Re contacting my half brother who is unaware of my existence. WWYD?

[Bayleystrim]

I’m currently pregnant with my first DC which has made me think a lot about my family circumstances. I’m 30, have never met my Father but know that he isn’t willing to acknowledge my existence whatsoever. He now lives abroad (within Europe) and a few years ago I tracked down his Facebook page and sent him a message. Sure enough I never received a response but over the years I’ve continued to check up on his profile page out of curiosity and have also found the profiles of other family members including my Grandmother and my half brother.

My DM had already told me that I had a half brother as he’s a few years older than me and lived part time with my father when my DM met him. As far as my DM knows, my existence was very much kept a secret so we don’t believe that any of my father’s family know about me.

I recently noticed via Facebook that my half brother, his wife and children have moved back to the UK and are now based not too far away from me. DH thinks I should make contact. Part of me feels as though I have nothing to loose but the other part of me feels as though it’s best left well alone after all these years. I’m conscious that my contact may not receive a warm welcome.

Would be really interested to know what others would do in my situation?

*If that’s the case and that’s true, then why not contact the grandmother, rather than your brother?

She’s far more likely to remember your mum and immediately believe the possibility that you are in fact her granddaughter.*

Yes it is true. There is pictures of their second marriage all over their Facebook pages, with references made to the first marriage in one of the posts. My grandmother knew my DM, however, the reason I was more inclined to contact my brother is because he’s in the UK now. My father, grandmother and most of the other family members from his side are still living abroad (they have a family business out there).

^ apologies, bold fail

Some of these responses make me so sad.

I’m NC with my father. I know he had affairs. If a half sibling contacted me I wouldn’t hold the circumstances of their conception against them - why would you?

Regardless OP said that her DM told her that he had his son part time when they met so obviously her half brothers parents were already separated by then.

I would contact him OP, just be prepared not to get the response you want.

When I was a child my dad had a longterm girlfriend. We were so close. She left him when she discovered he was abusing me (but should have left sooner because he was abusive to her too). I tracked her down on fb finally a few years ago but she never responded to me. It was upsetting but I got past it.

I would go for it and would want any half siblings to contact me.

I have a half brother who I haven't contacted - but only because there would be hurt caused in the process and I'm closest to those who would be hurt the most. The circumstances are different than yours but not knowing how contact would be received is the same. I would love to contact him though, and hopefully will one day.

I contacted my half sister who knew nothing of my existence. I was adopted out, but my birth mother kept my brother and half sister.

I would add that I had contacted my birth mum years back but she made it known that she did not want to know and did not want her other children upset.

Through my half sister I found out she had not spoken to her mother for over thirty years.

I did not click with my half sister although I really tried. It felt really awkward and she did not even want a photo of me nor did she want to meet. She rang me once but I think she was worried I may get in touch with her father who I am unsure is my dad or not. I don't think she wanted to share so I have backed off.

What got to me was how cold she was. She had never had children herself. She also no longer speaks to her brother, who appears to be the only one who does not officially know about me.

It is up to you op, but I wouldnt do it whilst you are expecting. This should be a happy peaceful time for you and whilst being pregnant does cause you to think of family, you need to protect yourself.

I don't think anyone would hold it against the 'child', per se, they obviously had no input into the circumstances.
However as in my husband's family, discovering that a deceased parent had lied to you almost your entire life casts a long shadow over all childhood memories, and has definately caused irreparable damage within the family. Sadly for some of his siblings the 'new' family member is a constant reminder of the lies and there is no hope of any relationship being built there, just pain and total disillusionment with regard to the deceased parent which cannot now be repaired.
I'm not saying don't do it, just be aware that the results may not be what you hope - no happy reunion and another family in turmoil through no fault of theirs either can be the result

I would be very careful. The reasons why you were kept a secret are very important.

Personally I think I would only be open to a sibling conceived before I was born not one conceived during my parents' marriage. I'm sorry if that makes me a bad person but I would hate someone to shatter my world like that. I know it is probably something you need so you have to weigh your needs Vs theirs.

Also why is your father still keeping you a secret and refusing to communicate with you? Do you think making contact will open up a can of worms?

Think about what you hope to gain - is it another means to try to make contact with your dad, for example? Or do you want medical info? Or are you hoping for a sibling relationship? - and then consider the impact for you if you don't get whatever end you are seeking from it. Only then can you decide whether to or not - but I think it's important you articulate, even if only to yourself, what you want to achieve from the contact, so that you can decide if it's w putting your own wellbeing at risk.

@yellowallpaper

Tbh I don't see what harm can come from it

Sadly not the case - discovering that a much loved parent has lied to you for many years can cause irreparable harm within a family unit - trust me I've seen it first hand

I’m aware I have half siblings. I don’t know who they are. Honestly they are nothing to me, if they found me and made contact I’d be thinking they wanted something from me and I would ignore the message.

Does you father live in a country where biological children have an automatic claim on any estate? That might alter how your brother receives the news of a long lost half sister.

im aware I have half siblings. I don’t know who they are. Honestly they are nothing to me, if they found me and made contact I’d be thinking they wanted something from me and I would ignore the message

Same here, I have a half sibling. He’s older then me. I want nothing to do with him. If he contacted me I’d ignore him.

In your circumstances I wouldn’t contact. The brother probably doesn’t know about you and his parents are back together. I doubt anyone will thank you.

I wouldn't hold anything against a half sibling. There are no secrets in my family that would come out. But I have an adoptive father who is 100% my dad, and (biologically half) siblings who are 100% my brother and sister, and I would feel other in my family. It would upset me. And because I wouldn't hold it against the half sibling, I would feel bad for disappointing them by rebuffing their approach.

Quite shocked by some posters who appear to be foisting 'the sins of the father upon the child' ! The Circumstances of her conception are not her responsibility. Neither should she feel she has to 'protect' her fathers family from knowledge of her existence.

Why should the OP feel ANY responsibility to be complicit in denying what is an actual fact. Far from it. This man is entitled to no such consideration. He made that choice when he thought only of himself when your mother was pregnant.

Go for it OP.. as long as you are prepared for a negative OR positive response .. but most of all prepared to be ignored.. personally I would contact the grandmother .

@Bayleystrim my grandmother wanted to know me and I had a separate close relationship to her until she died. I'll never have contact with my parents or half siblings and that is perfectly fine with me.

Did you contact him OP? How did it go?