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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I tell them it’s gone to a charity shop?

59 replies

Thebvert · 29/01/2020 17:11

My DM has an annoying habit of buying DD stuff that isn’t wanted or needed. If it’s in a sale my DM has to buy it, she can’t seem to help herself.

I asked so many times for them to stop buying DD toys as I am very low on space and DD has plenty of toys. The toys DM kept buying were things that DD didn’t play with (even though I said to stop for that reason she continued). It took to me snapping at her to get her to stop. Not my proudest moment and I do have a difficult relationship with my mum anyway but she did stop.

However, now she’s moved onto getting DD clothes. She’s recently bought a hideous pram suit that isn’t needed as DD already has two that will last a while and it’s ugly. I don’t really have the space to store it and I don’t want to.

I don’t want to have to snap at her to get her to listen but it looks like it’s going that way. I sent her a message saying we’ve got plenty of clothes to last a while, please don’t buy anymore.

But my AIBU is: do I tell her it’s gone to the charity shop if she asks where it is? It was only £4 from Poundland so I doubt I’ll be able to return it, especially as there is no receipt but I don’t want it. It won’t get worn.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thebvert · 29/01/2020 17:11

Oh wow that was way longer than I thought sorry Blush

OP posts:
jackstini · 29/01/2020 17:13

I would have just given it her back and said no thank you

If it's already gone, just say you lent it a friend who needed one and you already had 2

MrsWooster · 29/01/2020 17:13

You were clear when you asked her not to buy things. She chose to ignore you. She bought it, it’s yours to do with as you wish. You owe her no duty to treasure an unwanted gift.

Meruem · 29/01/2020 17:14

Given the fact she clearly isn't listening to you, I would say yes be honest. It might be the only way to get her to stop!

notanotherjigsawpiece · 29/01/2020 17:16

“Oh thanks, let’s keep it at your house for a spare when you are looking after DD”.

She’ll soon stop when her house is full of stuff

Original poster
Thebvert · 29/01/2020 17:18

They always make me feel like I’m being horrible and unreasonable whenever I say no to them which is pretty upsetting.

I wish I had the guts to have said that to her when it was dropped off.

I know I need to say something to her next time she does it I just hate confrontation and I was raised that if someone gifts you something you say thank you.

Even if I had the space I feel like she’s undermining me Sad

OP posts:
Herocomplex · 29/01/2020 17:19

Ask her if she wants to start a savings account for your DD instead?

I wonder if she just likes the buying bit, telling the assistant it’s for her granddaughter?

I’m not excusing her, she not listening to you and that’s wrong.

Butterymuffin · 29/01/2020 17:19

I would feign ignorance and say 'I don't know where it's gone, we have so much stuff - this is why I asked you not to get her any more'.

Can you ask her to get DD something more disposable like those crappy kids' magazines or comics? I say those because then you can chuck them when they've been scribbled over and the next one arrives. They're not meant to hang around forever.

Mrsjayy · 29/01/2020 17:23

Ok it is a pram suit of course you had room you just didn't like it tell your mum it didn't fit properly and you sent it to the charity shop, you don't have to fall out with your mum over this she is over excited about her GC put the clothes on the baby take a photo send to mum donate or ebay job done My late mil used to give us all sorts of nonsense for the dc we just started a toybox/spare clothes at her house,

bridgetreilly · 29/01/2020 17:24

If she asks, be honest. If she doesn't I'd just leave it, but next time she turns up with stuff, don't take it from her. Just keep repeating, "I've told you she doesn't need any more clothes at the moment. We don't have room for these." And literally do not take the bag. Let her keep hold of it.

starfishmummy · 29/01/2020 17:27

We just used to say thank you to my mil and either keep if we liked/it was suitable or donate. We only once discussed why ds wasnt wearing some clothes - she had brought them back from America and thought they were wonderful. They had weird labelling and just said 3-6. She assumed they would fit 3-6 YEARS, nope they were 3-6 months!!

( surely logic tells you that clothes dont normally cover a 3 year age group!!).

MuddlingMackem · 29/01/2020 17:36

Nah, you'd not be unreasonable. This kind of selfish generosity is infuriating.

We had it with GPs buying DC too much for birthdays and Christmases. They ended up with so many toys crammed in their rooms they didn't actually have the space to play with them. But of course we couldn't get rid because they were things the kids wanted, and once they were given them wanted to keep. Drove me mad.

Brokenlightfitting · 29/01/2020 17:38

Donate a new pramsuit to a food bank or a refuge

Tell her that

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 29/01/2020 17:41

Why not just be nice and kind and say thank you. Then quietly move on and say nothing. It gives her pleasure, why be rude? I have a huge family and all but one are gracious, the one is a nightmare as mst presents are not well taken whatever they are unless they come off a wishlist

TopOftheNaughtyList · 29/01/2020 17:47

Say to her "Do you remember when I kept asking you to stop buying toys, and I ended up snapping at you when you didn't stop? Well, that's where we'll unfortunately end up if you don't stop buying clothes. I'm saying once and for all - please stop. I know you enjoy buying things, but DD doesn't need any more clothes and I don't have the storage space to keep them. If you bring any more, I'll donate them to someone else who needs them."

mrsm43s · 29/01/2020 17:49

Can you not just say "thank you", as then drop it at the charity shop when you are next in town. Repeat if she buys further items. I don't see the need to upset her, and she might end up buying something you like!

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 29/01/2020 17:50

I think the suggestion of a savings account is a very good idea. Tell your Mum that every time she is tempted to buy something for her DGD to put the cash into the savings account instead and tell her how wonderful it will be for DGD to have savings for her future.

Sally872 · 29/01/2020 17:52

Why is she buying it? To undermine you or because she saw it, thought of dd and got over excited? She enjoys buying and giving for DC. Turns out it is annoying but is it really that big an inconvenience?

I say thanks for all gifts even unwanted ones. Then pass them on to charity shop. If she asks say it is getting washed, been given to a friend who needed one or whatever suits you best.

Urkiddingright · 29/01/2020 17:55

She’s never going to get the hint if you keep accepting the things she is buying for you. Why don’t you turn them away when she first offers them?

Sheld0r · 29/01/2020 18:00

I would tell her every time she buys things to please stop because DD has enough clothes/toys and I would keep repeating it. As others have said, you could then suggest to her that she puts money into an account for your DD. If she keeps ignoring you and insists you have all the stuff she keeps buying then take it straight to the charity shop. When/if she asks where the x,y or z is then be honest "I had to take all of that to the charity shop because DD has so much stuff and I don't have the room for it all." Once she knows you get rid of the things she buys she might get fed up of wasting her money.

notangelinajolie · 29/01/2020 18:10

Pram suit sounds grim. However, I would accept her gifts graciously and dispose of them without causing a fuss.

BlueJava · 29/01/2020 18:16

Exactly as @Herocomplex say - what about a small savings account for DD instead?

TeacupDrama · 29/01/2020 18:17

ask her to limit buying to her birthday Christmas Easter summer holidays and 1 summer outfit and 1 winter outfit
grandparents used to turn up with sweets or a comic, ask her to buy strawberries or to put £1 in her piggy bank
my grandfather gave us 20p a week each ( it would buy what £1 does now) my grandmother used to bring a small bag of sweets to share probably 2oz ( from the big jars you used to get) to share between 3 each week

Drum2018 · 29/01/2020 18:19

Pass it to a charity or women's and kids shelter, if there's one in your area. If she asks where it is tell her you passed it on to someone who genuinely needed it.

SpikyButt · 29/01/2020 18:21

I have this with my mum though she's improved a bit, kinda. At first I didn't want to offend her, and I can understand that she means well, but she doesn't listen/doesn't care about giving me the burden of excess crap that I don't want but feel bad about wasting..

I just started leaving stuff at her house, the hideous clothes can be spares kept there and the toys "will have to stay here because we've no space". I've said that line so many times.
Pretty much all of my kids' Christmas presents from them this year are still at their house and the children haven't asked or missed them, nor do they ask to play with them when at their house. I feel kinda bad about that, but she went OTT AGAIN, after promising she wouldn't, so if asking politely doesn't get the message across...