Do I tell them it’s gone to a charity shop?

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My DM has an annoying habit of buying DD stuff that isn’t wanted or needed. If it’s in a sale my DM has to buy it, she can’t seem to help herself.

I asked so many times for them to stop buying DD toys as I am very low on space and DD has plenty of toys. The toys DM kept buying were things that DD didn’t play with (even though I said to stop for that reason she continued). It took to me snapping at her to get her to stop. Not my proudest moment and I do have a difficult relationship with my mum anyway but she did stop.

However, now she’s moved onto getting DD clothes. She’s recently bought a hideous pram suit that isn’t needed as DD already has two that will last a while and it’s ugly. I don’t really have the space to store it and I don’t want to.

I don’t want to have to snap at her to get her to listen but it looks like it’s going that way. I sent her a message saying we’ve got plenty of clothes to last a while, please don’t buy anymore.

But my AIBU is: do I tell her it’s gone to the charity shop if she asks where it is? It was only £4 from Poundland so I doubt I’ll be able to return it, especially as there is no receipt but I don’t want it. It won’t get worn.

I had this with my ex mili had to put my foot down in the end. She kept getting the most hideous clothes for my baby. The kind of things in the bargain section for 50p. She would buy from charity shops and never nice things, old fashioned, stained and scruffy stuff. I asked her not to, I told her they wouldn't be worn and she was wasting her money, she kept doing it. In the end I took what she had turned up with walked outside and chucked straight in the bin. (Recycling bin) that worked she stopped then! Unfortunately our relationship never got any better and she used to tell anyone that would listen that I was selfish and refused to dress the kids in anything she got them 🙈

We have this issue with MIL. Constantly buys total crap despite regular requests not to.

I immediately send to charity, friends who might be interested or sell on fb. She's bought all the kids these ENORMOUS teddies that are hideously expensive and they take up way too much space, the kids aren't remotely interested in them. DH has decided to sell them and make up something if she happens to ask.

OP, instead of you buying all her presents on BD, or Xmas, ensure your mum knows beforehand what you intend to buy, and she can either pay half with you, or the whole amount. Thank her for the past gifts, then apologize and tell her that many items she buys is not getting used, and that either she should discuss her proposed purchases with you or send money. Your DM was brought up in a different world, we now live in a throwaway society and today’s children and young parents are drawn away from old tat and guided towards the latest fads. Her present buying is because your DM will remember lovely things she had as a child and would love her GD to have the same enjoyment. It will be hard for her, so just show her this post.

95% of the stuff my ILs bought for my sons went straight to the charity shop . Hopefully someone liked the endless striped polo shirts and wallets she bought them over the years . Along with bicycle puncture repair kits , money boxes , books often repeated ...

She's probably forgotten about it. My DM is exactly the same. Both our DDs (5 & 3) have loads and loads of clothes (especially DD2 who also has all of her older sisters clothes as well as new ones). I've repeatedly said to my DM we do not need more clothes. Yet every time she finds some clothing in the right size on sale she buys it (and it's usually on sale because it's not very nice). She actually buys so much half of it never gets worn, and I don't think she notices as I genuinely don't think she can remember everything she buys. It gets on my nerves no end as we simply don't have the space for hundreds of clothes.

We managed the present buying by sharing info about what we did want - for birthdays, Christmas and 'treats'. So - 'Jesmond Junior is 'collecting' duplo/lego/happyland/brio' - and making a huge big deal when my DM bought just that.
It stopped the tat and meant DC's had good quality 'sets' of toys. Didn't mind even if DM bought these from the charity shop.

If you say anything harsh that appears unkind/ungrateful I guarantee you will remember it vividly when your mum's no longer here. My parents bought some awful things - a giant electronic thing when we lived in a miniscule flat, for example, and I asked for the receipt to swap it for a camera! It haunts me now that they had all the pleasure of choosing something themselves and I took that away...
Just smile and say thank you, that's lovely. Then donate away. If she asks, just say it's at a friends' or too small now etc. Maybe take a pic in it as someone else said!

When she gives you something unwanted tell her immediately that you don't have a use for it and request the receipt so you can take it back.

My mum does this, it drives me nuts. I have said please don't buy the boys stuff, it's very nice of you but they don't like/play with /wear them - not because I'm a cow, just because we have so. Much. Stuff already. So she's taken to just leaving things for me and the kids at our house, in random places (they live 4hrs away, come a few times a year). Latest are a way too big dinosaur top for Ds2 (he's not into dinosaurs), a copy of Adrian Mole and a princess Diana tea towel, on which she looks v v miserable...now these clearly aren't the worst things to be left but grrrr

I could imagine lying to say I gave it to a skint friend who couldn't afford her own.

Maybe you could sit her down and say that you really appreciate that she wants to buy things for your DD but a way she could do something to really help is put the money to one side so that when it’s time to buy shoes there is money available for a trip to Clarkes and you can all go together. You could say how much it would help for her to do this on an ongoing basis. She would have a useful role to play and you wouldn’t end up with rubbish you don’t want or need.

Thanks all.

Glad to see that I’m not completely unreasonable.

That’s probably true @KitKat1985 - I think she’s probably forgotten by now.

I tried suggesting the savings account but that fell on deaf ears. They just want to buy what they want rather than actually do something kind or useful. I know it’s their money but I’d rather they didn’t spend it on getting DD tat.

They bought DD some trousers that were on sale from John Lewis last week that are miles too big but “she’ll grow into them” so I’m expected to store them until then when they know I’m really low on space.

To the PP who said it’s only a pram suit of course I have room - I genuinely don’t. DD has the box room and we live in a small 2 bed house. I’ve got DD2 on the way so we will have space as we will be swapping rooms with DD1 and we’ll be able to get more furniture but right now, a wardrobe won’t fit in DDs room.

Also nice hearing other people who have a similar problem with their DMs/MILs

My friends don’t have this problem!

I should add that I gave all the toys that weren’t warranted and weren’t played with to them to keep at theirs. DD is 11 months old and she’s only been round to my parents house once in that time as they have a dog that isn’t child friendly.

DD will be staying at theirs for a couple of days in May when I have DD2 (although I’m hoping it’ll only be for a night) but the clothes will be too small by then but I guess that’s not my problem

Put a bag by the door, every time she gives you something, put it straight in the bag.
If she asks why, the nice version is 'I don't have space anywhere else right now' the harsh version is 'that's the stuff I need to take to the charity shop'.

DM probably gets great pleasure out of buying cute (in her eyes) little clothes for your baby. You think it is wasteful, and unnecessary, as you already have enough. If it were me, I'd just say thanks, and donate anything I don't want. no need to be rude.

I'm coming at this from the other side. I'm a grandmother and even though we're broke I still like to treat my grandchildren. Luckily DiL has similar tastes to me in girls clothes. I know she likes the odd items I've bought for DGD as she posts on Facebook when she's out and about and the clothes are in them . I tend not to buy clothes for her brother but he likes books ,especially about dinosaurs, so I get him those. For my other DGS I buy him clothes but he comes to stay often I I keep them here.

What I suggest is that you give your mother instructions on what you child(ren) need and ask her to get that. You don't get crap and she satisfies her grandmother's urge to spend on her grandchildren.

That’s the thing I don’t want to be rude. I wasn’t brought up to be I just don’t know of any other way to tell her without her being offended. I tried being nice about it before and nothing sank in.

I can quietly pass it onto a charity shop etc but for some reason I feel like I’m being undermined

*by her

My DM was doing something similar with toys. She was bringing round bags of huge books she picks up a charity shops. Too big for a normal bookshelf and not age appropriate at all. I was frank and asked her to stop - anything baby couldn't use right now was to be stored at hers and can she check toys are age appropriate before buying. The message got through and she got DS some really small lovely gifts that he loves and I can store.

As an aside, it really bugs me when other people gift me clothes they've purchased in the sale which are out of season. MIL got DS a tonne of summer clothes for Christmas - that would fit him now - but not by summer this year. It's such a waste and I hate having put put them straight in the charity bag. I also got quite a few fleecy thermal type baby grows for my newborn in the summer 🤷🏼‍♀️. I'm not brave enough to confront this one

Someone on here once said 'if it's bigger than the baby it stays at your house' I've used that one a few times.

Although it must be annoying that your DM isn’t listening and going ahead buying things you’ve asked her not to; I do think it’s rude to not accept them gracefully. Regardless of what you plan to do with them just say thank you.

I wouldn’t ever suggest that she should open a savings account, that sounds quite grabby like you just want her money. She obviously gets enjoyment out of looking and buying things for her DGD. Could you suggest that she looks for items in the next size up and ask if she could keep them at hers until DD fits them?

It sounds more about your relationship with your DM than a few clothes. How much space does a pramsuit take up? You can leave it unworn if you hate it then send it with other outgrown clothes to a charity shop in time.

Just smile, say thank you and stick things in a drawer. Maybe she's trying to make up for being a difficult mum to you when you were younger?

I’m genuinely not after her money though.

I’d rather pull my own teeth out than ask her for money but I suggested the savings account last time as I didn’t want her wasting money and if she did actually want to be helpful (which she doesn’t) then that would have been useful.

She just wants to buy stuff. It’s not even her being kind if it’s against my wishes and DD screams when she has to go in her pram suits so I don’t think she’d want another one if she could speak 😂

I think gifts are her “love languages” as she acts like a child over Christmas and birthday presents (her own) which makes it more difficult.

My aunt is like this. I think it’s how she shows affection; she’s a very generous person and can’t help herself, despite being told she needs to stop buying tat that we don’t want.

I make a killing on eBay.

I would just say thank you, donate and if she ever asks just say "it went to the charity shop dd has so many clothes that when I got round to her wearing it, it was too small. Have I shown you how much she's got? There's so much she's not going to wear once!!!"