Do I tell them it’s gone to a charity shop?

[Thebvert]

My DM has an annoying habit of buying DD stuff that isn’t wanted or needed. If it’s in a sale my DM has to buy it, she can’t seem to help herself.

I asked so many times for them to stop buying DD toys as I am very low on space and DD has plenty of toys. The toys DM kept buying were things that DD didn’t play with (even though I said to stop for that reason she continued). It took to me snapping at her to get her to stop. Not my proudest moment and I do have a difficult relationship with my mum anyway but she did stop.

However, now she’s moved onto getting DD clothes. She’s recently bought a hideous pram suit that isn’t needed as DD already has two that will last a while and it’s ugly. I don’t really have the space to store it and I don’t want to.

I don’t want to have to snap at her to get her to listen but it looks like it’s going that way. I sent her a message saying we’ve got plenty of clothes to last a while, please don’t buy anymore.

But my AIBU is: do I tell her it’s gone to the charity shop if she asks where it is? It was only £4 from Poundland so I doubt I’ll be able to return it, especially as there is no receipt but I don’t want it. It won’t get worn.

Does she notice if she never sees the clothes again?

@yellowallpaper - your probably right that it’s more to do with our relationship

She would never think badly of herself like that. She’s never in the wrong. She was especially difficult in the build up to my wedding and when I was pregnant with DD, to the point I had to block her on my phone close to the due date as she was getting me down so much

She wants to buy things for her GC I would see that as something nice. Maybe instead think of something you do need for DC and ask her to get that. She will then feel involved and you will not upset her. From someone who unfortunately didn’t receive any treats for my DC from either GP i would have loved the involvement.

@HollowTalk - as she moved on from toys to
Clothes, she’s not noticed yet if something isn’t worn but I thought she would mention it when I see them next week if DD isn’t wearing it (it looks massive anyway)

But thanks all!

I apologise for venting some really good advice on this thread

Choose a time that isn't immediately following a "new gift" moment, and speak to your mum and say you are feeling overwhelmed with the amount of stuff in your home and ask her if she will help you declutter. She might not appreciate the scale of how much she is giving you when it is just a little something here and there (or the fact that other people in your life might also be giving you stuff), but if she sees it all piled up it might hit home more. When you go through the stuff say something like "I don't think I can deal with having to do this again once DC2 comes along. I think I'm going to start a 1-in-1-out rule to keep on top of things and everytime I get given something new I'm going to take something else to the charity shop so it doesn't get this much again".

You could notice that a lot of it has come from your mum and say "I feel really bad to be getting rid of it, some of it has hardly been worn, they grow so quickly. Mum, this has been so kind of you, but seeing it all together, it is a bit much isn't it? I know you want to contribute and I really appreciate that, but I'd much rather you put £1 a week in a saving account rather than having to go through sorting it all out again!" You could also say something like "Would you mind if I sold some of it and started a savings account for DD?"

She obviously wants to contribute to DD's life, so think of some other avenues that you could explore to achieve that. Talk to her about it. As PPs have said, a savings account is a great idea. You could start a weekly family trip to the post office to pay it in so that your mum can still get the joy of telling random cashiers that she is treating her DGD.

Or perhaps your mum could pay for/take DD to swimming classes or music classes or something that DD would get more out of long term (she could perhaps take DD swimming herself to give you more time with DD2).

Send her a text saying something along the lines of you appreciate her thinking about DD and buying her clothes etc but as she already has lots they will go to waste so you don't want her wasting her money. Then if she continues you can donate the clothes guilt free.

Imo for her it's not about doing something thoughtful for you and your children, for her it's just a thoughtless compulsion to buy whatever happens to be the right size in the sale. So alternatives like savings account or even mentioning specific items you need won't work. My mum is the same. Whenever I've mentioned a specific item she's bought something almost like it but inferior in some way because it happened to be in the sale or she saw it and thought it would do. Generally means the thing isn't for for purpose and doesn't get used. With clothes I've managed to get it down by consistently saying we don't need things or not getting excited or pleased when presented with things. I've also made her sit through me sorting out piles and piles of stuff so she understands the scale of the problem she creates. I still get a lot of passive aggressive comments though. Its exhausting so I have to emotionally detach. I give loads to the charity shop on a monthly basis.

@Marmighty - that sums her up so well! Especially about wanting a specific item. She always does that to me!

With the toys thing she would make dogs and say “well I’m not allowed” to buy her toys to anyone who would listen.

Could you not use it to your advantage and drop into conversation about things dd Is going to need soon.

My mum loves to spoil DS and was buying random things so I now will say “I’ll need to get new x and z for DS for the holidays” and it gives her something to shop for.