Ex nanny wants to keep visiting

[chillichoclove]

We had a nanny for 12 months before moving to a childminder 18 months ago. She has occasionally babysat since then but as she started studying at college and lives relatively far away hasn't had much contact.
The children liked her well enough but she has always been 'excessively' attached to them, in my opinion. Very over the top with effusive messages about how much she misses them and loves them. We were very grateful to have had a caring person looking after our children and were happy to write her a good reference but don't miss having her in our lives particularly.

She asks to come and visit them now at the weekends. Children are 5 and 7.
We are quite busy at the weekends and it is valuable family time as we both work but I feel really mean saying no.

Is it unreasonable that I don't want her to? She is making a special hour long trip to come. The last time the kids said hi then went off to play despite my encouraging them to interact with her and she isn't someone I'm naturally very close to, although perfectly nice we aren't 'friends'

How could I nicely ask her to stop asking to come and visit. Am I just a coward ? Or a bitch?!!

Sorry we're busy.

Rinse and repeat

YANBU, eighteen months is a long time at that age! Just say it’s not convenient, sorry.

Yup. 'Sorry we can't, take care.'

A polite brush off is fine!

Thanks. I was worried that people would think she should have a right to see them. It is strange to spend so much time with children and then not, tough job.

She’s nuts. Don’t have her to babysit either.

She has no right to see them at all and, whilst it’s quite sweet she wants to, they’re your kids and it’s your life and you shouldn’t feel any obligation. She is an ex employee, not a member of the family. I speak as a former nanny so I understand the dynamics.

Send a nice but vague and non committal text. “It would be nice to catch up at some stage but we’ve got so much going on at the moment, we’re struggling to find the time just now. Keep in touch and take care” and then ignore all future messages!

That’s a strange level of attachment to have to children she no longer works with. It’s hard working with kids and then never seeing them anymore but it’s part of the job. I wouldn’t have her visiting or babysitting anymore.

She’s a crack pot! How’s your dh relationship with her and do you have rabbits?

Hand that rocks the cradle might be a good film for you to watch!

YANBU

It is fine to just say no.
But it is hard to work with some children and then suddenly never see them again. I am sure some of the young kids I worked with don't even know I exist now, but 40 years later I still think about some of them.

I thought it was accepted practice that the job ends and they move on in the nannying business as a general rule?

YANBU

Oh I found this a bit odd!
I'd tell her we're moving out of area and block.

So to give the other perspective, I have a close family member who is a nanny and for posters who say “it’s a weird level of attachment” when you consider this nanny spent (assuming she was full time) 9-12 hours a day five days a week for a year in sole care with these preschoolers it would be much weirder and more worrying if she wasn’t attached.

My family member found leaving the first job particularly hard - she cried after, was down in the dumps for weeks. It’s sad when you love your charges then suddenly you’re not around any more. But she had already previously discussed with the parents what future contact looked like.

Some families basically go no contact immediately - I think this is pretty brutal including for the children, especially if they’re not old enough to understand where she’s gone. Most agree for 1-2 visits over the next couple of months, and families where she was particularly close to the parents have sporadic visits sometimes for years after.

So YABU in that thinking she shouldn’t ask, YANBU in saying no. But be honest and say “whilst we loved having you look after our family, it was over a year and a half ago now that you left us and we think it’s best for our family to say thank you and goodbye with no more visits”. Don’t just keep evading the requests with “we’re busy” as she won’t realise you want them to stop.

You’re lucky you had someone looking after your children who cared so much about them.

Am I right that she’s young? (I’m thinking about the fact she went away to college recently.)

If this was her first long-term nanny job, she probably hasn’t learned yet about how to get the balance right between caring for the children and maintaining a professional detachment. I imagine this is quite a difficult thing to do.

I think these visits will peter out naturally in time. It’s not unreasonable of you to speed up the petering out by being mostly unavailable but it would be kind to allow her another visit or two.

I know women who gave up nannying for this reason. And who wants to keep some detachment? If you are going to give good care of course you end up loving the kids.

I find it sad you want to cut her off. Our DC's nanny of one year moved away but she still comes to visit and they have a lovely relationship independent of us and go out for trips (DC is 10 now, nanny looked after them as toddler). She was such a huge part of DC's early life I think it's great she still wants to know them.

It seems like it would be kinder to let this fizzle out as you don't seem to understand the bond a nanny can have with a child they have cared for and it will be awful for her to not be wanted.

I was given away by my boss and the child I had nannied for for over three years was my page boy. 20+ years later we are still in contact as I am with the family I worked for next albeit by text as we live a long way away now.

Be kind. She's doing nothing wrong. You come across as unappreciative, not understanding and quite sneery.

Don't do what DoloresOnTheDottedLine suggests. That's just cruel.

Don't feel bad for saying that a visit won't suit you. You don't need to apologise or give reasons. Simply say 'it won't be possible this month' or 'that won't suit for a few weeks' and hopefully as time goes on she will move on to a new job. You're kids aren't missing out by not seeing her. She's an ex employee, you have no reason to maintain contact and that's perfectly fine.

I am not saying you need to maintain contact. But seeing a nanny as just an ex employee is I think harsh. Yes she was employed, but good nannies love your children. Its not like having a cleaner.

Why wouldn't you want your children to keep in contact with someone who loves them? Why would that be weird? I really don't understand people sometimes. There are people who still see their old nannies well into adulthood. What are you teaching children, that it's fine to use people and then discard them as long as money is involved.

Have to say I dont get why you cant say yes every once in a while. We have had an after school nanny, only 1 day a week, for about 2 years and if she isn't needed over the school hols (for more than a couple of weeks) she calls round and catches up with the childrens' news. Stays for 20 or 30 mins and its lovely. She loves spending time with them and vice versa (and my children are pre-teens / teens!!)

I dont think asking to spend a bit of time with children you looked after full time for 18 months is too much to ask.

You wouldn't expect a teacher to keep asking to visit. Play the kid card if you have too. Say sorry but it's confusing for them you feel a clean break is needed. Alternatively move and change your phone number she sounds obsessed

Thats funny - a teacher, selected & paid by a third party, teaching 30 children for about 4 hours a day (when you take out lunch and play times) is precisely the same as a full time private nanny . Not.