Ex nanny wants to keep visiting

[chillichoclove]

We had a nanny for 12 months before moving to a childminder 18 months ago. She has occasionally babysat since then but as she started studying at college and lives relatively far away hasn't had much contact.
The children liked her well enough but she has always been 'excessively' attached to them, in my opinion. Very over the top with effusive messages about how much she misses them and loves them. We were very grateful to have had a caring person looking after our children and were happy to write her a good reference but don't miss having her in our lives particularly.

She asks to come and visit them now at the weekends. Children are 5 and 7.
We are quite busy at the weekends and it is valuable family time as we both work but I feel really mean saying no.

Is it unreasonable that I don't want her to? She is making a special hour long trip to come. The last time the kids said hi then went off to play despite my encouraging them to interact with her and she isn't someone I'm naturally very close to, although perfectly nice we aren't 'friends'

How could I nicely ask her to stop asking to come and visit. Am I just a coward ? Or a bitch?!!

Refuse. Kids of that age forget people very easily if they don't see them frequently so they get nothing from it and it's inconvenient for you.

I don't think the attachment thing is uncommon, it would be hard to stop all contact after such an intensive relationship with little kids. I had a (older - I think possibly retired) childminder when I was a toddler who continued to send us birthday and Christmas cards and presents until she died when I was a teenager. I barely remembered her but looking back I guess she must have felt some sort of attachment to us for her to keep doing that. We used to write thank you cards and occasionally phone a thank you.

Could you suggest some less time consuming thing like sending the odd pic of the kids or a video chat between them? Then she might be able to feel in touch and possibly reduce the visit requests?

I think this is pretty brutal including for the children, especially if they’re not old enough to understand where she’s gone.

I don't think it's tough on t

Once in a blue moon, ok, every weekend, no way!

I think it's strange. This is not "someone who loves them' not family she was doing a job. She cared for them and got attached but job ended move on. The kids are obviously not bothered so I wouldn't give up precious time to sit awkwardly with a former employee....

I’m nearly 40 and maintained contact with the wonderful woman who cared for me practically from when I was born until I was 11, until she died in 2006.

I know it wasn’t as long your nanny cared for your children, but don’t just cut contact. Agree with PPs: I hope I find someone as a nanny for my son who loves him as much as my nanny loved me. Having my son and caring for him on maternity leave has made me realise just how much she did for me. I still miss her and am grateful for her role in helping me become the woman I am today.

We’ve kept in touch with Nannies - after all they were part of the family for a period of time but it’s a text every few months , remembering birthdays etc and a visit once or twice a year.

I think a lot of people on here just don't understand the nanny dynamic. It isn't the same as a teacher. It isn't even similar. We do love the children. How can we not? We spend almost 1 on 1 time for long hours for sometimes years.
My nanny children are like my nieces and nephews. I stay in touch with nearly all of my families, the parents and I basically end up friends.
To call her weird is mean and unnecessary. It is making her sound like she has odd intentions which is horrible.

Former teacher and nanny here, I think calling a nanny weird for loving the kids she is looking after and wanting to keep in touch is odd, not the other way around.

As a nanny, some of the kids I looked after were 2 months old when I started and 2 when I left, most of them did their first steps with me and said their first words to me, I would spend 10 hours with them everyday, spending way more of their awake time with them than their parents did, not getting attached would be weird and cause for concern.

I have loved each and every of the kids I have looked after as a nanny, I am still in touch with them, I still visit some of them despite them leaving in other countries and in fact, a family I nannied for in Germany is coming to visit me this summer and I went to Berlin to see them in October.

Those kids were parts of my daily life for months/years, it would be impossible for me to leave and not look back. I would be mortified if one of the parents felt I was ''odd'' or ''weird'' for caring about their child with whom I spent most of my time with.

On the other hand, as a teacher, I have cared about my students on a different level, a more superficial one, I care about their well-being in class (and outside of class in a, want to make sure nothing that shouldn't happen is happening to them and no bullying is occurring kind of) but when I would leave the classroom, I would leave the classroom, when they would move on to another teacher/class, I wouldn't feel the same type of sadness than I have done as a nanny.
Kids are annoying, especially when you are with them for 10 hours a day and they aren't yours, to provide good care you need to love them, if you distance yourself from them as a nanny or expect your nanny to, chances you will end up with a nanny who doesn't like your kids, is counting down the hours and have little patience.

Be glad you have a nanny who cares and say no to visits if you can't be bothered but don't call her weird/odd for loving/caring about your kids.

If she had been a foster parent she would have had tips and advice on how to move forward after a child moves on and some areas offer foster care givers training on this too.
I don't know how nanny training works but if they don't provide training for separation, it must add to the heartache of not having a clue how to move forward.
They are your children so you choose who sees them but spare her feelings/be honest.

I still occasionally see my nanny 40 years later! Can anyone beat that?

It is normal for nannies to keep in touch with families especially if they have cared for children more than the parents have during a specific period. Many do offer old clients weekend babysitting services if they leave on good terms. It’s all very normal

A nanny can spend 12 hours a day, 5 days a week with a child.

That's 60 hours a week....

A VERY close bond can form in that time.
Especially if the child was a baby when they started with her

I was a nanny and i would of chopped my arm off for one of them

I don't think it's weird for her to be attached to them, I'm surprised that people think that. Presumably she loves kids if she is a nanny, and she spent most of her time with them. It's normal for her to miss them.

You definitely don't have to facilitate a relationship between them though. 18 months is a very long time for the kids to move on with their lives. She probably thinks that you two are friends, and you are encouraging that by agreeing to these weekend meet ups.

Just keep saying that you are busy.

I think it is a bit sad that you feel that way. Surely she just means now and then.
I’m a TA and kept in touch with a couple of my one to ones. Then I let it slid naturally but one of the boy’s mum bumped into me twice and asked me to come and see them. I am going to do that.

The other one has only been gone a year or so and I took a tin of sweets around at Christmas. They were delighted. I also gave mum a game that he loved as I was getting rid of some of my stuff. His siblings are still at school so he comes to pick them up so he can come and see me.
Lots of other children come and say hello if they see me in town and they do it with other staff too. I know because staff mention it. Some of them come and visit after school and several have come for work experience. Now I have some of the parents coming to ask if I remember them. I‘ve been there that long.

You do get attached to them. I couldn’t do the job if I didn’t.

The Royal Family kept in touch with their Nannies could you manage once or twice a year at least.

Phew, the first few comments, including the OPs were so utilitarian, it is a relief to see how the tide turned on this thread. No wonder some children develop attachment disorders.

I am sure some of the young kids I worked with don't even know I exist now, but 40 years later I still think about some of them

As the mother I still have fond memories of the people who worked in the nursery I sent my dd to over thirty years ago. I feel that I owe them a lot for the wellbeing and self-confidence of my dd.

I expect she will stop soon anyway, if the children just say hi and then run off. It will just fizzle out and she’ll start to see it differently too.

Wow some of these ex employee comments. I couldn’t have just any old person caring for my child every day.

Whatever you do, be kind to her. She clearly loves your children very much. Take a step back and remember the good things she gave to your children. Then find a caring way to reduce contact. It is bonkers to accommodate weekly visits. But equally you could perhaps do another visit later in the year.

this is hugely inappropriate. I would also stop her babysitting.... I am a qualified Nanny and would never behave like this.

there is a huge difference between staying in touch with a family and wanting to meet up all of the time.

have you tried talking to her.asking her if she is ok or finding it tough to let go.perhaps try helping her.some parents happily let their kids go to nannys.they become the parents basically.so it depends on what type of a nanny she was to you.but they are with them almost all hours of the days for years who wouldnt get attatched.
in every other way you asking them to protect you childs life with their own.care for their every need.you cant suddenly backpeddle now your done.
of course it should be easy.but human contact and care never turns out that way.its like in a care home or childrens hospital.of their had been a child or patient with them for years,with them caring for every aspect of their lives it would be hard to say goodbye.but nurses and carers usually have help with managing this.
so no your not wrong.its time.but try to help her do that.

I don't think that she is wrong to ask. I babysat for two young children for a long time, (sometimes I was referred to as the nanny) and when I finished, the mother asked me to come round for dinner every couple of weeks . We all thought it was nice to keep in touch. If she didn't want to - I would have been fine with that aswell. They are her children.

I think it is okay for her to ask, and it is of course okay for you to say no.

user I really don't think it is 'hugely inappropriate' at all. OP didn't say she wanted to meet up all the time, she just said she wants to see them at the weekends. She lives away from them so I can't see it being often.

It can't really be compared to foster caring.

I have always left on good terms with my families, we become friends and I see them all occasionally. I am invited to parties and I try to attend if I'm free. It is a nice way to keep in touch.
One of my families, the parents travelled internationally several times a year. I lived in with those kids for 3 weeks at a time. When I told the children I was leaving (moving 2 hours away) the children were extremely upset, they had known me for 3 years and kept repeating that I didn't love them! Of course I loved them. I see them about once/ twice a year now, usually a weekend their parents are away. It works well for everyone.
Another family, I went away with them and all their extended family (for work) but of course I socialised with them all. It would have been odd for me to just look after the children and then hide away.
It it the most personal job I've had. It is really hard leaving the children, but I am emotionally mature enough to deal with this. If the parents are happy to facilitate it then I will stay in contact.
Think of those little children who basically spend more of their waking hours with a nanny and then suddenly they are gone. Like I said previously, I love my nanny kids like a niece or nephew.