Ex nanny wants to keep visiting

[chillichoclove]

We had a nanny for 12 months before moving to a childminder 18 months ago. She has occasionally babysat since then but as she started studying at college and lives relatively far away hasn't had much contact.
The children liked her well enough but she has always been 'excessively' attached to them, in my opinion. Very over the top with effusive messages about how much she misses them and loves them. We were very grateful to have had a caring person looking after our children and were happy to write her a good reference but don't miss having her in our lives particularly.

She asks to come and visit them now at the weekends. Children are 5 and 7.
We are quite busy at the weekends and it is valuable family time as we both work but I feel really mean saying no.

Is it unreasonable that I don't want her to? She is making a special hour long trip to come. The last time the kids said hi then went off to play despite my encouraging them to interact with her and she isn't someone I'm naturally very close to, although perfectly nice we aren't 'friends'

How could I nicely ask her to stop asking to come and visit. Am I just a coward ? Or a bitch?!!

You’d think I and my ex employers are really weird. Their eldest daughter was a bridesmaid at our wedding and the parents are our middle DD’s godparents!
I worked for them for a year in the mid 80s and they’re some of my dearest friends.
I often think of the first family I was a nanny to too. I eventually lost touch with them, but always wonder what they’re up to and if the children have had children of their own.
Being a nanny is a unique and privileged position and the relationships are different from working in a school, nursery or hospital (which I’ve also done).
I’m sure her interest In your family will fade in time as her own life takes over, but until that happens, I’d be kind to her and let her visit every so often - she obviously likes you all very much!

I’m still in touch with various women who cared for my children when they were little, one worked for us when my youngest was first born. She was a wonderful addition to our lives and I love seeing how well and happy she is.

Thanks for all the messages, food for thought and really helpful.

For context, I am nice to her, I've helped and advised her about college work. And I do appreciate how lucky we were to have someone care for our children so well, it made going to work much easier. I don't work full time, but she did spend hours with them every week.

My nursery worker from when I was a child stayed in touch. She came to my mums funeral. I do appreciate the bond. I think it's the frequency and relative lack of interest of my children that makes it tricky. If she lived nearby and could just pop in for twenty minutes that would be easier. It is just very intense when she comes and wants to stay for several hours and it doesn't feel very 'natural'

Thanks again

Also I think it's that we aren't friends. With our current childminder I can chat for ages and would be very happy to see her independently of the kids in the future.

By the way - no rabbits and my husband finds her very intense. I'm (maybe naively!) not worried.

It's up to the children, and if they're not that bothered to see her then I would politely decline.

That sounds fair enough then op! I was more annoyed at other people insinuating that the nanny or any nanny was weird for having a bond/ wanting to keep in touch with the children!

Are you sure she wants to see the children ??
If the children do not miss her there isn’t much point really is there?
Especially since you feel you are not friends per se.

Going against the grain here. My girls nanny still sees them twice a year ish. She was nanny from age 1-3 and they are now 8. I love that she loves my children and wants to see them grow up. I also love that they love her.

If the children don’t bother when she’s there, and she tries to stay for hours on end I would simply say you’re busy. It’s nice she wants a relationship with them but it’s seems like your children aren’t bothered and that should be respected. Would be different if they wanted to spend time with her etc.

Nannies cannot ask to see their former charges, they have to be invited back. I feel it’s up to the family if they want to see her again or not.

I was a nanny for 20yrs and now been a maternity nurse for 10yrs

I keep in touch with my nanny families - my 1st charge was 4mths - now a mum of two herself

Others I may not see much but exchange Xmas cards and news even after all this time

People do underestimate the bond that a nanny may have with their children

I think it’s nice she wants to keep in touch - wouid it really hurt to give her a date and say pop over for an hour or two

aww I had a childminder when I was little who even when we left the area when I was still pre-school, kept in touch. We knew her as Grandma L. and I saw her regularly until she died a few years ago- over forty years. At her funeral, her family mentioned me in the eulogy. Don't underestimate the bonds. Try and be gentle even if you don't want to spend time with her.

Awww I do think it's sweet of her but can see exactly how you feel. I'd allow her to visit for a short period very occasionally when it suits you but really she needs to be moving on with her life now.

This is all about gut feeling, and whether you click.

Lots of posts describing those lovely unexpected relationships which come out of random 'clicking' with others, even if fate only throws you together for a relatively short time.

This isn't one of those situations.

OP hasn't clicked.

Nanny hasn't either - she's just coming over to OP as intense and it's all a bit weird.

Make excuses, OP.