Leaving DS home alone

[ThisIsNotADrillLangCleg]

My DS 8 was off school sick today. He was fine last night but didn't sleep well and woke up with a sore throat and a temperature. Tonsils were swollen as well so I kept him off school. I literally had no milk or bread in the house at all and needed to go to the shop. I asked DS to come with me but he wanted to stay in bed.

He'd had paracetamol and his temp was under control. He was tucked up in my bed watching TV. I set up the I pad and face timed him from my phone downstairs, then spoke to him the whole time I was gone. He was happy and confident. He promised not to get out of bed. I could see him, he could see me and was happily chatting to me/laughing at Scooby Doo. I was gone 11 minutes.

This is ok isn't it? DH thinks I should just have waited for him to get home from work at 6.30pm. I've never left DS before but felt in these circumstances it was acceptable. Is it really that selfish to want a cup of tea? AIBU?

What @Fivetillmidnight said. I’m a SW and don’t see an issue (providing there’s no underlying problems) with this.

I think it's fine. I left mine for short bursts at that age. Now at 10 and 12 they are happy to be left for longer.

Thanks for all the opinions. In terms of the worst case scenarios:

Fire
Our smoke detector goes off when I cook sausages, giving DS plenty of time to get out of the house. He is happy to open the locked door, can reach the key and does this often to let the cat in and out. I was on the phone to give instructions as well.

Power cut
Tough, he'd just have to wait for me. He can watch the iPad.

Gas leak
DS won't smell anything upstairs from a gas leak and all was fine when I'd left. I'm not sure but don't think a leak could make the house explode within 10 mins. If it can, then there is no additional risk with me not being in the house. I wouldn't smell gas that quick if I was upstairs with him either.

Someone banging on front door
He'd ignore it. I was on FaceTime and would also tell him to ignore it.

Mum not coming home ie accident
He would have seen that something had happened and was briefed to call 999. Id also hope that if I collapsed in the street then a stranger would look at my phone and see DS there, then use their initiative. He knows his full address and how to call DH and grandparents.

DS is a sensible and mature boy for his age. DH has always struggled with encouraging independence. We had some very long intense conversations when DS was 6 and DH was doing the school run every day. DH was still putting DS socks and trousers on him, as if he was a toddler. To speed things up. And make life easier. Apparently. I end up feeling like maybe I have my perspective skewed too far the other way in order to counter DH and raise DS to be well balanced.

I’ve just asked my v sensible nearly 9 year old if she would be happy to be left on her own whilst I popped to the shops & she said she would be nervous but okay if she could text me. I don’t think you did anything wrong. I would do it. When I asked her I actually thought she would say yes & encourage me to do it! I was quite interested by her response.

Should have added, no other underlying issues. No CP plan or SS involvement. DS is high functioning Asperger's, very good at following instructions and sticking to the rules. Sensible and logical.

When I was ill at that age mum left me on the sofa with the tv for her morning at work (ten minutes away) YANBU! I was fine as I’m sure was your son too.

The thing is 8 is on the cusp of it being ok...so I don't think it's as simple as saying "of course it's fine". It's a judgement call.

I didn’t leave my dd at that age. She would have been scared. Your ds wasn’t. In your situation, I would have done the same if I could. That said, have you been through the what to do If x happens scenarios?

Sensible 8 year old for 11 minutes? Absolutely fine op. And definitely not illegal! My youngest is 10 and won’t let me leave her but my eldest was happy to be left whilst I popped to the corner shop when she was 8.

I leave my 8 year old (at his request) once a week to collect his older brother. He knows how to call me and his father, no cooking, no answering doors. It takes me 20 mins.
I'd leave him for 11mins when ill if he wasnt at risk of throwing up or really ill (if he's well enough to be watching tablets he isnt really ill in my book).

Fine.

I think 8 is too young. I don't leave mine at that age - 10 is the earliest I left/will leave any of mine - we have big electronic gates too. I don't think they are sensible enough at that age to either manage in an emergency or to not answer the door if someone. Things do happen when parents are out of the house.

That is probably fine assuming he was highly unlikely to do anything stupid in the short period you were away. Obviously it's a slight risk but the chances of a break-in etc during an 11 minute window are slim.

"Things do happen when parents are out of the house."
Things happen to children when they leave the house too. The risk of getting run over on a walk to the shops is probably umpteen times greater than the risk of a gas leak or fire at home in any given 10 minute period. There are risks in getting out of bed in the morning. You have to balance risk when it comes to parenting decisions - you cannot eliminate it, that is impossible. My assessment would be that the risk of a sensible willing 8yo coming to harm when alone for 10 mins (while being facetimed by his mum all the while!!!) is almost certainly lower than taking him out of the house. So it's fine!

At what point was your husband made away that he was off ill?
Why did you feel that you couldn't ask your husband to come home early?
Why did you feel that you could not have phoned DH and asked his opinion?
Instead, you as an adult made an informed decision, because you were there, and you got the heat for it from someone who doesn't seem the primary care giver? Tell him to get off his high horse and deal with it.
Personally I wouldn't have done this, because the kids wouldn't want to be left alone for 5 minutes in the house, but if your DS was happy and that you knew he would be safe for at least 30 minutes (I know you were only out for 11 minutes, but you know, accidents happen) then what's the problem? The use of facetime was a good decision on your behalf.

@mansviewpoint Thank you. DH knew when he left for work that I would be staying home, and also that we had no milk or bread. I'm starting a new job soon and have told him for at least the first 3 months he will pick up any and all sickness.

Thankfully DS isn't often unwell, but is a little accident prone. We normally have at least one call from school each year to pick him up and take him to a&e. DH will have to deal. And drink black coffee all day starving himself!

Of course it's fine. Your dh needs to get a grip. Does he want to be the type of parent that in 3yrs or so will have a secondary school child that needs taking to school, the type that still needs childcare for a y7? Will he be giving your dc a crash course in responsibility and independence just before he turns 18?

Dc that don't get the opportunity for age appropriate independence, built up over time are far more at risk at secondary age. Not only from actual danger because they are immature and lack experience. But at risk of missing out on normal, fun experiences. Nobody invites their new y7 pal along a second time if it results in their stifling parent tagging along because they couldn't be bothered to gradually teach them some independence.

It's fine, I would leave my 6 year old in those circumstances. We're abroad and he's also expected to walk to school and back alone, so he can certainly be home alone for 10 min. I don't think British children are that different.

@G5000 wow whereas I think it's great no 6 year old would walk to school alone here.
It's just now allowed at our school until year 5, I think. You have to personally hand them over!

At 8 he's more than old enough to walk a short and safe walk to school alone and play out on a safe street. He's definitely old enough to leave for 10 minutes unless he was a very immature child. We do our children a real disservice by all this mollycoddling. He should be taught what to do in the case of an emergency and he is old enough to know and act accordingly. Children don't learn problem solving, independence, risk taking and decision making unless we leave them alone occasionally to have the opportunity to learn those skills. While you are around your children will constantly defer to you and let you do all if this for them.

Just read your update OP and can see he has been taught what to do in emergencies. Bert similar time the repeated briefings I gave my son so he knew what to do in the event if a fire, if I didn't come home, if I collapsed etc etc etc. They need to know what to do and feel confident that they know and can act! Which they can!

Absolutely fine to leave him for 10 mins. Ask your DH to stay home all day with no food or drink and see if he also would not have made the same decision! Can’t believe some of the responses on this thread - a bit OTT if you ask me. We are in very real danger of raising a generation of young people with no independence skills whatsoever. Don’t give it a second thought you know your own child he was perfectly fine.

Interesting comments. I left my 8 year old home alone to drop my other 2 to school as she had chicken pox and was otherwise well but I knew if I brought her to the school with them that would be wrong but I’m a single mum and had no one to take the others to school, my son told the school I had left dd alone and they reported it to ss.

My eldest DN who is 18 is still so irresponsible he doesn’t even have a key and his mum arranges for family to sit with him even if be has to be left alone for an hour.

18! Are there special needs at play or is it just crap parenting?

Op I think it's important parents can make the judgement call for things like this because they know their children best. And they are in the situation at the time and can weigh up the variables.

In Queensland, Australia it is a misdemeanor for parents to leave a child under 12 unsupervised and maximum penalty is 3 years in jail. So, it really depends on what laws and regulations govern where you live.

PumpkinP sorry you got reported to ss for something that many parents deem reasonable. It's a good idea to check the laws for where you are residing, staying, as they differ.