Feel awful about letting DD cry herself to sleep last night

[CapaldiL]

Background - DD is one and not a great sleeper but since the new year has improved and occasionally just woke once for milk, usually it was twice. That was fine. I have always gone to her when she cried or woke and comforted her.

The night before last she woke every 90 minutes and I'm not sure why, I gave her calpol, milk, changed her etc. I couldn't see the reason.

Last night she went to bed at 7pm, woke at 10pm and I gave her a bottle. All fine- usually she goes straight back to sleep. This time she woke as soon as I put her in her cot. I took her temperature and it was fine, gave her calpol in case of teething pain. Cuddles her and walked her around. If I was holding her she was fine she just didn't want to go to sleep. After an hour of me putting her in her cot and her waking up DH encouraged me to just leave her to it and effectively let her cry herself to sleep. DH has wanted to do this for a while as some of his friends have done it and claim their children now sleep much better.

She wasn't so much crying as shouting and protesting but I've woken up riddled with guilt and feel like I've ruined our relationship. I think it took her about 30-40 minutes to fall asleep. She is of course behaving normally today and seems happy and fine.

I guess I'm looking for informed people to come along and tell me either way anything they know about this.

DD did this every nap time, not at night, at around the same age. It's fine, and honestly I never found out what else to do.

Your DD is just cross she can't have her own way.
She has shown you this morning she is fine.
This is mother nature's way of ensuring the baby is cared for.

DD did this every nap time, not at night, at around the same age. It's fine, and honestly I never found out what else to do.

Mine did too. Leaving her to get on with it, she cried less than anything else we tried. After a few days it subsided.

I didn't do it but shouting is not as bad as crying imo. Does she have a bit of a cold? Mine are like that when they have even the slightest runny nose. Really makes it seem difficult for them to sleep

I coslept for months due to the unsettled times.

Maybe a regression or developmental leap!

Thank you for the replies. I think it was more of an angry shouty cry than a distressed one. I just didn't know what else to do as if it had been like the previous night I would have effectively been up all night holding her.

I was trying to tell myself that if we go down the route of letting her cry herself to sleep she will learn to do it and overall it will be less crying for her- however my guilt today is absolutely huge. Now I don't know what to do tonight as I don't want to make the situation even worse by being inconsistent.

There are different perspectives. I'm in the camp that thinks that babies cry when they need something, even if that need is for contact with their parents. I think that 30-40 mins must have seemed like a long time to a baby.

Personally I co-slept but controlled crying is kinder than leaving a baby to cry it out.

We have this from time to time. Sometimes it’s our last resort. She seems to recover from it and is bright and breezy in the morning. Don’t beat yourself up.

Stick to your guns op, and tomorrow night you will reap the benefits when she settles to sleep with you having to stay and cuddle her

She may even manage to do it tonight. Stay strong and consistent.

I probably could have written your OP when DD was a similar age. Heck I could probably write it these days and she is 19 months. Sometimes I feel like it’s constant guess work but it will be something that will probably go away in a couple of days. Mine goes in cycles like that and it did feel worse after she was one as other than the blips her sleep pattern is quite stable so the blips catch us out and make us feel like zombies.

Yes I could have written your OP too! My 10 month old was a terrible sleeper, slept on me or in his pushchair only for weeks. I stuck to the pick up and put down method for three nights, it killed us and the sleep deprivation was horrific but he finally got the message and now once he’s put down he stays asleep. Still can’t manage to get him down without some sort of prop though (feed, dummy or motion)
I read the no cry sleep solution, it’s a long read and takes an age to actually see any benefits but she also has a section on crying it out which might be worth reading. I personally wouldn’t do it, but my DS didn’t shout cry he just sobbed and then threw up.
We have a sleep consultant coming on Friday For our eldest but she’s going to help with getting DS into his cot awake and letting him get himself to sleep.

I did controlled crying early on with all my boys. (About 12-16 weeks) and they all slept through 7-7 from that point. (They were Gina Ford babies, all late teens now).

However if one got a cold or something and i was getting up to them in the night several times, once the cold had gone they were used to crying and me appearing and would carry it on repeatedly. One night of leaving them to cry and not appearing more than the once for a good check sorted it out.

I wouldn't be surprised if she slept fine tonight.

If she does cry tonight (and she probably won't) and you hate it do controlled crying instead. Took us 2 nights with our eldest. Hour and a half the first night, 30 minutes the second night and about 3 seconds the third night. After that she was a brilliant sleeper.

Put your hand on their her tummy if hard .
It is normally wind .
So in pain .
What you could do is let her get up and run around

I tended to leave DD in her cot but let her hold my hand or rubbed her back, so she knew I was there but she wasn't coming out. I still do it now and she's 3yrs old.

This is unless ill, hungry/thirsty or dirty/really wet nappy.

I wouldn’t leave a young baby to cry if they were actually distressed but it sounds like your DD was just grumpy and fighting sleep. If that’s the case, surely allowing her space to develop some self soothing skills is not a bad thing? Can’t stress enough, this is not ok for babies who are actually distressed about pain or whatever it might be.
My DSD is 8 and still wakes up crying for attention every night without fail. Has never gone to sleep independently in her life and doesn’t know how to cope with waking up. That’s the nightmare scenario

Honestly I think sometimes that’s what they need? We’ve never done sleep training but thereve been a couple nights here and there where DD hasn’t seemed to actually WANT anything and just needed to be left to grump it out. If she was actually sobbing/upset crying I’d go to her but a bit of angry shouting is ok imo.

I think you know your child best and could tell if they were in distress.
I did controlled crying not cry it out- though some nights if my DD wakes at like 3am, much like yours takes a bottle, isnt unwell, and just wants to be awake, I leave her to it- usually with her mobile on.

Personally I didn't let mine cry for more than 10/15 minutes but just went in and didn't speak. Patted her back and came out for another 10 mins until they slept.
I couldn't have listened to 30/40 minutes of an upset baby.
Mine were a similar age too so perhaps controlled crying may work for you but if I'm honest my dd is 28 now and I regret doing it because she really hated sleeping alone even when older and I think some dc just need more reassurance than others.
When you get to my age you will wish you had been more indulgent . But I totally get that this is your life now and you're exhausted.

Why do you think you feel so guilty?

@CuckooCuckooClock I think because I have never left her to cry before and I imagine her feeling completely alone and abandoned. I don't know if what I'm doing is for the best or not.

If does seem like a long time to leave a baby like that. Maybe try controlled crying next time?

I never did controlled crying with my DD5 and she’s a terrible sleeper even now. Did it with DD1 when she was about 8 months, and she sleeps through approx 12.5 hours every night. I’d highly recommend it - it only took a couple of nights.

What would happen if you sent DH in to her instead if she won't go to sleep, do you think?

The thing is, OP, you know your little girl best and you sound like a really loving mum so I would trust your instincts. If you think she is fundamentally OK and ready for a bit more separation at night, she probably is. But you think it's too distressing for her just to be left on her own - or too distressing for you - then there's nothing wrong with going in to shush and comfort. You won't have spoiled a loving relationship built up over a whole year by one bad night. But if she usually relies on you to get her back to sleep then I would probably ask DH to come on board and do the settling for a while rather than just leaving her to it. That often helps to transition little ones gently towards being a bit more independent from mum at night.