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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Feel awful about letting DD cry herself to sleep last night

61 replies

CapaldiL · 28/01/2020 12:03

Background - DD is one and not a great sleeper but since the new year has improved and occasionally just woke once for milk, usually it was twice. That was fine. I have always gone to her when she cried or woke and comforted her.

The night before last she woke every 90 minutes and I'm not sure why, I gave her calpol, milk, changed her etc. I couldn't see the reason.

Last night she went to bed at 7pm, woke at 10pm and I gave her a bottle. All fine- usually she goes straight back to sleep. This time she woke as soon as I put her in her cot. I took her temperature and it was fine, gave her calpol in case of teething pain. Cuddles her and walked her around. If I was holding her she was fine she just didn't want to go to sleep. After an hour of me putting her in her cot and her waking up DH encouraged me to just leave her to it and effectively let her cry herself to sleep. DH has wanted to do this for a while as some of his friends have done it and claim their children now sleep much better.

She wasn't so much crying as shouting and protesting but I've woken up riddled with guilt and feel like I've ruined our relationship. I think it took her about 30-40 minutes to fall asleep. She is of course behaving normally today and seems happy and fine.

I guess I'm looking for informed people to come along and tell me either way anything they know about this.

OP posts:
Ratbagratty · 30/01/2020 16:39

I hated leaving them to cry so I did the gradual retreat method. Both are really good sleepers now (2 and 4). Or takes a bit longer to get a good rhythm with it but it feels a lot less guilt free.

lilgreen · 30/01/2020 19:54

@lucieinthesky controlled crying is settling the baby and leaving the room. If the baby cries, you don’t go in straight away, you wait outside for a few minutes then go in with minimal involvement other than a gentle ssshhh and maybe a kiss / stroke then leave and repeat if necessary but gradually stretch out the intervals. For my DDs it was over in 2 or 3 days.

BigusBumus · 30/01/2020 20:48

@lucieinthesky I did CC. But it was in 2002 so was a bit different to now and my post will probably get lots of criticism from more recent mums, but this worked for us and I'm talking about my 17 year old son who passed his driving test today (yay!) and is doing his A Levels.

When I had decided to do it, it was quite early, about 16 weeks, which corresponded with weaning in those days. (4 months).

The first night I did bath time at 6pm, gave a bottle, cuddled on the sofa, not much talking, dim lights, maybe a few little softly sung songs. Then put him in his Grobag, laid down. Stroking the forehead from hairline to nose which is a miracle move to get babies to close their eyes btw. Then I said Night night and lef t. Dark room, door shut. My son cried on and off for 35 mins. I only went in twice and just touched him on his forehead again, did not pick up. He was fine although crying. He fell asleep at 40 mins. It was stressful but ok. My friend told me. "No baby ever died of crying". I kept thinking about that. It wasn't nice, but he had a Dream Feed at 1am and then slept though till 7am.

Day 2, I did all the same and the crying was for 15 minutes.

Day 3, I did all the sane and the crying was for 3 minutes.

Day 4 and forever more there was no crying. Just happiness and contentment at going to sleep with kisses and cuddles. Asleep with no noise within 30 seconds or so. I checked throughout the ebbing though, quietly creeping in and looking. Sleeping through the night 7-7 very soon after.

I did this for both my sons I had normally and also my step son who I've had since he was just 3 and who was a terrible sleeper till then. At that older age he didn't cry, just the routine of bath, milk, story was enough and sharing it with his step brother and watching him go to sleep too.

I hope anyone reading this haS the courage to do it IF THEY WANT TO. Not everyone wants to and that's fine, we are all different parents. But if you're struggling with a baby that can't self settle and won't go down or wakes cryjng all night then 3 days will sort it out. BUT, you have to decide to do it and stick to it, you can't do this half heartedly and then give up mid way, as then you're putting your baby though something for nothing with no positive outcome. If you stick out the 3 days you'll be rewarded by a content baby who is almost grateful to go down each night in a peaceful, loved way.

This is v controversial and I WILL get slagged off by people who will tell me all about the mental harm I've caused my perfectly normal, high achieving teens, so I won't be looking at the post anymore as I CBAed with conflict. But please do PM me if you would like support to perhaps do the same.

lilgreen · 30/01/2020 20:51

@BigusBumus my DD is 19, at uni and a great sleeper.We used grow/sleep bags too.

ColdWinterChild · 30/01/2020 20:54

Don't worry. It happens.

My 4 year old woke up crying at 9 last night. Except she wasnt awake. Glazed over nightmare. Comforted back to sleep. So when it happened at 1am, I couldn't be arsed to get up. The baby was asleep on me, and she went back down, because it wasn't an issue

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 30/01/2020 21:01

I don't think a 1 year old is going to feel "abandoned" in their own comfy cot which they regularly sleep in, knowing that mummy or daddy are always there in the morning.

Yes, grumpy because they want mummy because she is lovely. But it's where you draw the line between tending to all your child needs (of which sleep is one!) and pandering to their every whim.

Sometimes sitting with them is stimulating at that age, and gives them even more reason to resist the sleep they need. They don't know what is good for them.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 30/01/2020 21:09

Bigusbumus we did it with DS and it was even less crying
We had always had a calm routine of bath, feed, stories, grobag etc.

Laid him in cot, patted his tummy gently about 10 times, then said our usual sleepytime phrase.

Left room, he fussed. Went in & patted 10 times after 5 mins, then again after 10. 3 mins after that he was asleep. 13 mins fussing in total.

Night 2: 5 mins - he stopped as we were about to to in.

Night 3 - under 1 minute.

Evilspiritgin · 30/01/2020 21:29

I have never ever met an adult ( even those with terrible childhoods) that can remember being left to cry for 30 mins at 6 months let alone 19 months. The ones that go in all the time, are you going in 2-3 times a night or more? When do you think it will stop?

My ds was a baby in the early 2000s, in those days baby’s were encouraged to be in their own rooms at 3 months, he also slept all night from 3 months and before anyone says anything it was after the cot death awareness

lilgreen · 30/01/2020 21:37

Yes at 5 months the 11pm feed stopped. DDs just stopped waking for it. At 12 months they don’t need a bottle of milk.

HoneyCheesecake · 03/02/2020 21:44

@HoneyCheesecake that sounds dangerous. Babies shouldn’t be drinking laying down. Are you not worried about choking or vomiting?

We didn’t do this until she was around 11 months and she was very mobile by then, she wasn’t a baby she was a toddler and would wake up and find it to have a drink. I always breastfed lying down but it was the only way she settled by herself in her own cot. It’s a decision that we made, she’s 19 months old now and it’s part of her bedtime routine. We always use a baby monitor and I in no way feel like I have put my child at risk by doing this. Otherwise I wouldn’t have done it! It’s more the fact if she gets thirsty in the night she can have a drink and then go back to sleep. I 100% feel safe doing this otherwise I wouldn’t.

2020vision10 · 03/02/2020 22:08

Wow... Just wow... Shocked at some of these responses.

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