Feel awful about letting DD cry herself to sleep last night

[CapaldiL]

Background - DD is one and not a great sleeper but since the new year has improved and occasionally just woke once for milk, usually it was twice. That was fine. I have always gone to her when she cried or woke and comforted her.

The night before last she woke every 90 minutes and I'm not sure why, I gave her calpol, milk, changed her etc. I couldn't see the reason.

Last night she went to bed at 7pm, woke at 10pm and I gave her a bottle. All fine- usually she goes straight back to sleep. This time she woke as soon as I put her in her cot. I took her temperature and it was fine, gave her calpol in case of teething pain. Cuddles her and walked her around. If I was holding her she was fine she just didn't want to go to sleep. After an hour of me putting her in her cot and her waking up DH encouraged me to just leave her to it and effectively let her cry herself to sleep. DH has wanted to do this for a while as some of his friends have done it and claim their children now sleep much better.

She wasn't so much crying as shouting and protesting but I've woken up riddled with guilt and feel like I've ruined our relationship. I think it took her about 30-40 minutes to fall asleep. She is of course behaving normally today and seems happy and fine.

I guess I'm looking for informed people to come along and tell me either way anything they know about this.

I’d say over age 1 DC doesn’t need milk at 10pm. Pretty sure that stopped around 5 months here. I’d carry on with this now. It has been proven not to cause damage, don’t worry.

I should add we did controlled crying much younger op and it worked in days. Our 2 DDs now teens have been great sleepers since. They need to learn to settle when they come into light sleep or wake in the night without you. Be consistent or reap what you sow.

Thank you for the support. DH wants to repeat what we did last night if she wakes for a while again but I've told him I'll go in at intervals to comfort her.

I'll update tomorrow on what happens tonight.

Good luck x

I'm in the camp that thinks that babies cry when they need something, even if that need is for contact with their parents

Agreed.
If it doesn't feel right for you (and it sounds like it doesn't, as you're still wrestling with your feelings about it now), then you don't have to do it again. Personally I've resorted to co-sleeping as DS is going through a similar nothing-is-quite-right-so-I-don't-want-to-settle phase, but I appreciate that isn't right for everyone.

I'm in the camp that thinks that babies cry when they need something, even if that need is for contact with their parents

Except that all babies are different. We figured out the reason our DD was crying at bedtime was because with all the fussing and patting and shushing and soothing we were actually stopping her falling asleep. We persevered for a couple of months but t made no difference. So we did what OP did and within 3 nights she was going off to sleep just fine.

Yes go in at set intervals and just lie her back down and stroke her head. Keep the light off and words to a minimum then leave. Repeat as needed.

@MintyMabel I think a lot of interruptions would confuse Dd too.

An update on last night- she went to sleep at 6.30pm with no problems. Woke at 10pm and I gave her a bottle of formula, she was sleepy throughout and I put her back in her cot and then DH got up with her at 6.30am. No wake ups after her 10pm bottle. I'm quite shocked to be honest I really hope she can repeat the same again tonight!

Great. Next she’ll drop the bottle wake-up. Try giving warm water.

my baby did this and it turned out he had tonsillitis!

I was about to post and say maybe double check she is definitely well, but your last update seems like a very positive one!

Hopefully you have cracked it!

We did controlled crying with our first two. They were great sleepers and by 5 months were sleeping 7-7. With our third we didn’t. She is now 7 and is still a terrible sleeper and ends up in our bed most nights. She still can’t fall asleep in her own bed. I regret it so much!

@mummmy2017 Your DD is just cross she can't have her own way.

I am pretty sure one yr old don't think like that! Crying is the only way babies can communicate, and she wasn't happy. She isn't cross at her parents for heaven's sake, something is wrong.

I wish people would stop expecting grown up behaviour from a child too small to communicate effectively!

I agree, personally it sounds a long time to let a baby cry...I also hope you live in a detached house.

@differentnameforthis

What she said. How sad.

If I cry in the night (to be fair it’s not often) my husband cuddles me. I’m nearly 37 for gods sake

Your DD is just cross she can't have her own way

Really?

What is controlled crying?

I’m sure that one size doesn’t fit all. Personally I would try controlled crying as a last resort rather than a first. Babies and toddlers going through phases of different sleep patterns is normal I would think. If they’re not getting the required number of sleep hours in 24 hours then that would need addressing.

I think it’s fine! You didn’t abandon her. You fed her, held her, changed her repeatedly and none of it worked. What else could you do? Co-sleeping unless you are properly set up is very unsafe. And 30 minutes in the scheme of life is nothing.

@CapaldiL, how did last night go? x

Personally I couldn’t leave my child to cry by myself. If you happy with it then it’s your choice but if your not then go and cuddle her.

With my DD we put her in bed with her bottle to settle herself to sleep. Then when she’s asleep we replace her bottle with water. She wakes in the night and drinks it, it’s her way of settling herself back to sleep.

Just to add, I’m in the comfort your child camp. Personally, I’ve never left DD to cry. Does your little one have some comforters? A special teddy etc?

Last night was good - she went to bed at 6.30pm, woke at 8.30pm and had a bottle of milk then slept soundly until 6.30am.

She had never ever slept this well before usually she is awake multiple times a night.

@HoneyCheesecake that sounds dangerous. Babies shouldn’t be drinking laying down. Are you not worried about choking or vomiting?

For those that have tried controlled crying - what exactly did you do?