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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

After work drinks?

76 replies

Oreo04 · 27/01/2020 21:31

I’m really confused, allot of this post may be quite contradictory but please stick with it and help me because I really don’t know what to do.

I have been with my husband for 10 years this year and it’s really made me start questioning my relationship with him.
We have two children, a boy aged 4 and a baby girl aged 8 months.

When my boy was 3 we separated for a period of 6 months because he kept choosing his mates in the pub over us. We got back together, overdid it on the making up and now have an 8 month old.

He has now gone back to his old ways, so far since December he has let me down 4 times. He will go to work and I always give him a ring at 5pm whilst I’m on my way home to see where he is and if he needs a lift. I would say at least 3 of the 5 days he’s in the pub, I’ve told him over and over again that I don’t want our kids growing up with a dad that always smells of alcohol and I don’t want a husband that smells either.

Every now and again (4 times since December) he’ll just go awol. Leave me with both the kids, tell me he’s coming home and just not turn up.

The straw that has broke the camels back this week is him going to the pub on Friday even though I asked him to come straight home because he’d planned to go for a couple of drinks on Saturday (which is fine, it’s planned and I can sort the kids out). I finally get hold of him at about 6:00 and he’s in the pub sorting out his wages with his boss who he has actually been with all day!
I suggest he stay for a few instead of Saturday to which he agreed to be home by 9:00.

I get a text message about midnight saying he’s walking home and he’s spent every penny of his wages in the pub.

I am furious, and the worst part is that it’s now Monday and I haven’t even had an apology.

I do the lion share of everything, I look after the kids, do all the cleaning and pay all of the bills so we need his money for food, petrol and basic living expenses.

My question is, am I unreasonable for being annoyed at him going to the pub most nights? I spend most journeys home anxious that he’s not going to be in when I get back, if he isn’t, whether he’s going to turn up at all.

He says that he’s been working hard all day and fancies a drink which, when put like that, makes me feel bad but I don’t get to go for drinks because I’ve got responsibilities. Maybe I’m just resentful that he has more freedom than me....HELP!

OP posts:

WeThreeKingsofOrientAre · 27/01/2020 21:35

I think it would entirely accurate to say this man is a cocklodger.

TopOftheNaughtyList · 27/01/2020 21:44

Going for a quick drink for half an hour would be one thing. Staying there all night and spending all his wages, therefore leaving you without money for food, petrol etc is unforgivable. I don't think I could be with a man who thought so little of his family. Sounds like he has a drink problem OP.

Inliverpool1 · 27/01/2020 21:49

Just get rid of him. You’ll get benefits to replace his wages and send the CSA after him. You won’t miss him neither will the kids

CSIblonde · 27/01/2020 21:51

Drink problem or other woman or both. He won't change. He's gone back to his default setting. You're right to be fed up but you won't break a behaviour pattern he always reverts to: the template was 'set' long ago.

Sally2791 · 27/01/2020 21:52

He’s had his chance. He won’t change and he’s completely disrespectful of you and your children

19lottie82 · 27/01/2020 21:54

How could he spend all his wages during one evening in the pub? Do you think it’s possible he could have a gambling or cocaine addiction?

Notimeforaname · 27/01/2020 21:55

Was this an entire weeks wages OP?? Spent in 6/7 hours at the pub???

Original poster

Oreo04 · 27/01/2020 21:55

I’m lucky enough to earn a good salary so I’m not entitled to any benefits.

I think I’m desensitised to the whole situation so it’s only when I speak to other people that I see their reactions and appreciate how much of a doormat I actually am. He’s been doing this for as long as I can remember but the 10 year milestone this year is really making me reflect on whether I want to put up with this shit for another 10 years

OP posts:

stophuggingme · 27/01/2020 21:56

This is horrendous
You would be better off in every conceivable way by leaving him.

Notimeforaname · 27/01/2020 21:56

I'm struggling to understand how a full weeks wages could be spent on drink in one evening?

Original poster

Oreo04 · 27/01/2020 21:57

@19lottie82 he gambled quite allot and it has been know for him to do coke so it’s not completely unreasonable to assume that’s what some of his wages went on.

@Notimeforaname he got paid about £250 so not a massive amount but still can’t afford to be pissing it up the wall

OP posts:

CakeandCustard28 · 27/01/2020 21:58

You’ve wasted ten years on the looser... do you really want to waste another ten? He’s never going to change.

Notimeforaname · 27/01/2020 21:59

Still, unless he's drinking pints of champagne.... It must be combined with cocaine and gambling.
I'm sorry he's treating you like this OP.

I think you know you can't /should not put up with this.

ScabbyBabby · 27/01/2020 21:59

You deserve so much better and so do your kids.

Next time he goes awol- change the locks and tell him to find somewhere else to live.

I am thinking coke too.

BackforGood · 27/01/2020 22:00

This really is not normal or even acceptable.
I can't understand why you let him back after splitting up.

What is he contributing to your family ?
Why would anyone accept this ?

1Morewineplease · 27/01/2020 22:04

This is awful OP. You’ve also been working hard all day. What would he say if you told him that you were going to the pub to unwind after a hard day?

You and your children deserve much more than this.
My father was like your OH, I grew up hating him. Is this what you want your children to feel?
Please think about your and your children’s futures.

Inliverpool1 · 27/01/2020 22:06

So you’re a good earner, you given him a couple of kids, pay the bills and he gets to rock up home when he likes and sleeping the house you’ve paid for does he ? Is his dick made of gold or something ?

Notimeforaname · 27/01/2020 22:07

As you said, you have a good salary and you obviously coped whilst you were separated for those 6 months.... There's nothing stopping you doing that again.

And you would be entitled to some money for the children.
At least then you would not be feeling so undervalued 3 nights out of 5. X

Notimeforaname · 27/01/2020 22:10

If he's unwilling to show you and your babies what you are worth, you should show him. I'd tell him to leave.

He's living a single man's life and coming back to you when he's too tired/broke to continue.

IDoNotHaveABlackCat · 27/01/2020 22:11

So, what is he for?

SirGawain · 27/01/2020 22:12

Dump him ASAP decent men don’t behave like this.

MintyMabel · 27/01/2020 22:15

What does he do when he isn’t working? Obviously he doesn’t work full time.

Notimeforaname · 27/01/2020 22:17

I think he does work full time. OP said 3 nights out of 5 he goes to pub after work. And he'd been with his boss all day....

bungleZippy12 · 27/01/2020 22:23

Christ this is dreadful! The sheer disrespect from him along with the stress and anxiety this must cause you. Seriously I’d be asking him to leave.

Original poster

Oreo04 · 27/01/2020 22:23

He does work full time most weeks depending if there’s work
Weekends is mostly spent watching football unless we plan a day out or something.

If he’s not working in the day I can leave him a list of jobs to do that he can then ignore lol. Sometimes he’ll do them sometimes he won’t but mostly he’s at work 5 sometimes 6 days a week

OP posts:

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