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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

After work drinks?

76 replies

Oreo04 · 27/01/2020 21:31

I’m really confused, allot of this post may be quite contradictory but please stick with it and help me because I really don’t know what to do.

I have been with my husband for 10 years this year and it’s really made me start questioning my relationship with him.
We have two children, a boy aged 4 and a baby girl aged 8 months.

When my boy was 3 we separated for a period of 6 months because he kept choosing his mates in the pub over us. We got back together, overdid it on the making up and now have an 8 month old.

He has now gone back to his old ways, so far since December he has let me down 4 times. He will go to work and I always give him a ring at 5pm whilst I’m on my way home to see where he is and if he needs a lift. I would say at least 3 of the 5 days he’s in the pub, I’ve told him over and over again that I don’t want our kids growing up with a dad that always smells of alcohol and I don’t want a husband that smells either.

Every now and again (4 times since December) he’ll just go awol. Leave me with both the kids, tell me he’s coming home and just not turn up.

The straw that has broke the camels back this week is him going to the pub on Friday even though I asked him to come straight home because he’d planned to go for a couple of drinks on Saturday (which is fine, it’s planned and I can sort the kids out). I finally get hold of him at about 6:00 and he’s in the pub sorting out his wages with his boss who he has actually been with all day!
I suggest he stay for a few instead of Saturday to which he agreed to be home by 9:00.

I get a text message about midnight saying he’s walking home and he’s spent every penny of his wages in the pub.

I am furious, and the worst part is that it’s now Monday and I haven’t even had an apology.

I do the lion share of everything, I look after the kids, do all the cleaning and pay all of the bills so we need his money for food, petrol and basic living expenses.

My question is, am I unreasonable for being annoyed at him going to the pub most nights? I spend most journeys home anxious that he’s not going to be in when I get back, if he isn’t, whether he’s going to turn up at all.

He says that he’s been working hard all day and fancies a drink which, when put like that, makes me feel bad but I don’t get to go for drinks because I’ve got responsibilities. Maybe I’m just resentful that he has more freedom than me....HELP!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 27/01/2020 22:24

He'll never change OP.

He's had enough chances and every chance you give him, you waste another few years of your life.

Get out now before your kids think this is normal. The 4yr old especially is at an impressionable age and that won't change for many years to come.

Judystilldreamsofhorses · 27/01/2020 22:25

This is not normal behaviour. We have a robust Friday after-work drink culture, and unless it’s an occasion (planned celebration of a leaving, birthday etc) most people have one or two drinks, and are away. Often people pop in for a soft drink if they are driving, and it’s very much about the catchup, goodbye working week, and not really the drinks.

If my DP was doing what yours is, I would be really unhappy, and probably wouldn’t stay in the relationship.

Original poster
Oreo04 · 27/01/2020 22:25

My mum & dad have our boy on a Wednesday night for a sleepover so it should give us some time when the baby has gone to bed to talk.

Try and pluck up the courage to say all of this to his face and ask him to leave 😕

OP posts:
WankStainWasher · 27/01/2020 22:26

Run like the wind OP!! And for fuck's sake, DO NOT HAVE ANOTHER BABY WITH THIS MAN!!

He definitely has a dependency problem and needs to sort it out. You need to get you and the kids away from him. There are benefits available to you and let's face it, you won't be worse off financially without him to prop up.

WorraLiberty · 27/01/2020 22:27

Next time he goes awol- change the locks and tell him to find somewhere else to live.

And it goes without saying to ignore that ^^ 'advice'.

Notimeforaname · 27/01/2020 22:28

Can you afford to pay rent/mortgage/bills by yourself OP? With some added maintenance money from him? Or single parent benefit?

You and your children clearly deserve so much better.
As PP's have said, he won't ever change.

Original poster
Oreo04 · 27/01/2020 22:29

I’m not completely opposed to him going the pub, he goes to pool on a Sunday night and that’s absolutely fine. If he’s got a birthday or an event I don’t even care what time he gets home. If he’s too drunk I ask him to stay at a friends so I don’t have to deal with him and he kids.

It’s just this constant going awol and I feel like I’m battling to keep him out the pub every day because even though he may go in for one with all the best intentions he gets a taste for it and then he’s off for the night. And I don’t want a dad/husband that smells of lager every night

OP posts:
Original poster
Oreo04 · 27/01/2020 22:32

@WankStainWasher in my defence the 2nd baby was a total accident. Split condom, had the morning after pill literally hours after the incident but it didn’t work.

I’m defo not having any more kids, with anyone! Lol

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 27/01/2020 22:32

I think that's a good plan OP, re talking on Wednesday evening.

And if you need some extra courage just come back here and we will give you a nudge.

You owe it to your child to be able to look them in the eyes and tell them you did your very best for them. Unlike him.

Notimeforaname · 27/01/2020 22:32

*children

Original poster
Oreo04 · 27/01/2020 22:34

@Notimeforaname yes, I’m very lucky that I can pay the mortgage and bills on my own. It would be tight but I could even manage without additional benefits etc. When we split last time I took his name off the mortgage and made sure I was financially independent

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 27/01/2020 22:36

Well there you go OP you're more than capable. That already puts you ahead of the game. X

Notimeforaname · 27/01/2020 22:38

Wishing you the best of luck to stay strong and do the right thing.

And if he starts to pull you back in again, just think of your children an how proud/lucky they will feel to know they had a mum who always put them first and did her best!

WankStainWasher · 27/01/2020 22:38

I wasn't having a go at you for baby number 2 Smile Seems like she was the product of a loving make-up after a break-up Wink

It just amazes me how many women will have another and another when the situation is already so awful, but then give in for whatever reason. I just don't want you to make your life harder for yourself, while he carries on regardless.

OhNoMyCheds · 27/01/2020 22:49

Urgh, get rid. What a total waste of space. You sound like you deserve so much more.

Dolorabelle · 27/01/2020 22:53

Someone who spends a week’s wages in the pub is an alcoholic.

There’s not much you can do about him - he’s a grown up and is responsible for himself. But you might try to get some support for yourself - friends have found AlAnon to be a really supportive helpful place to go to help them deal with the effects of living with an alcoholic.

You might also start to think about whether this is the environment in which you want to raise your children.

It’s a tough situation , OP. Good luck Flowers

user163578742 · 27/01/2020 23:00

The issue isn't the pub, the issue is he's an alcoholic who does the opposite of pulling his weight at home.

If he’s not working in the day I can leave him a list of jobs to do that he can then ignore lol.

He's lazy and disrespectful and setting a terrible example for your kids. I don't see the funny part.

Why did you take him back last time and are you strong enough to stand your ground this time?

Have you been to Al Anon?

TheHonestTruth100 · 27/01/2020 23:00

Sounds like you're basically a single parent with a live-in husband. I would run a mile OP.

Happy101 · 27/01/2020 23:29

My first ever LTB. What is he actually bringing to the relationship? Sounds to me he's got a right good deal, a woman to cook his meals, clean his house, pay his bills, and look after his kids! And he gets to go down the pub like a lad with no responsibilities and piss away his wages! What a charmer!

In all seriousness imagine if you took his stance, an prioritised 'fun' over everything else. Everything would come crashing down. But you have responsibilities and so does he. Leave the man child to sort his own shit out.

Purpleartichoke · 28/01/2020 01:54

You need alc-anon or counseling or both.

Being around someone like this does skew your perceptions. You don’t know what a normal, healthy relationship looks like anymore. You don’t know what a good father looks like anymore (hint, it isn’t choosing the pub more nights than he chooses his children).

Kirkaz95 · 28/01/2020 08:18

250 is a lot of money to earn in a week and a lot of money to waste in one evening. I'm so sorry you're going through this, my partner went through a similar phase when I fell unexpectedly pregnant 4 years ago (except his was weed and staying at our neighbors house smoking it all night). It was awful, I was so anxious all the time and he lost his job as he stopped going in so I had to pay for everything whilst growing a human. We split up and he eventually changed for the better and we're now engaged. Splitting up with him was the best decision I ever made because it spurred him to change... But I don't think your husband will, seeing as you've already split up before and nothing changed :( you deserve so much more op, you're a hard working mum of 2 who deserves a man who will lift you up and support you, not give you constant anxiety and never do anything for you.
If you've reached the point where you feel grateful if he doesn't go to the pub, gives you money or cleans then you need to leave him because they're not actions that should be appreciated, they should be a given. Xx

coffeeforone · 28/01/2020 08:30

he got paid about £250 so not a massive amount

but how on earth can someone spend £250 at a pub one evening?! Even if he drank a dozen pints it just doesn't add up!

HowlsMovingBungalow · 28/01/2020 08:34

Pisses all his wages away in the pub
Does drugs
Goes AWOL
Is in pub 3 days out of 5

Hmmm.

BemidjiMinnesota · 28/01/2020 08:38

@coffeeforone

he got paid about £250 so not a massive amount

but how on earth can someone spend £250 at a pub one evening?! Even if he drank a dozen pints it just doesn't add up!

OP says he's previously has issues with gambling and cocaine, so that might explain it.

BohoBunney · 28/01/2020 08:45

My question is, am I unreasonable for being annoyed at him going to the pub most nights?
Yes YABU. Because you know what he is like and by going back the first time you’ve set a precedent. He won’t change, if he really cared he would have changed. You’ve given him a second chance and he has shown what kind of man he is. The kind that prefers getting drunk, taking coke and gambling than being around his family. You can talk at him until the cows come home but will he change.. I know where my money lies.

Honestly OP, he’s in the pub more than he is at home, what is he actually contributing to your life, your relationship and your children? You deserve better than this bullshit!