Personal hygiene

[Halloweenbabyy]

I have made a couple of posts regarding my mother recently- she’s a manic depressive and her behaviour is 9/10 unacceptable.

She does come to visit every other week. The thing is, and forgive me for sounds horrible, but she absolutely stinks, it’s foul. From her general body odour to her breath.

We currently have a leather sofa, I sit at one end and she sits at the other and I can smell her breath from that far away. When she leaves my front room/sofa stinks. Thankfully it’s leather so it can be washed, but we’re getting a new fabric sofa in a week or so.

How do I tell her she stinks in the nicest way possible? She’s erratic and cry’s at everything then talks about wants to be dead ect if you say anything that’s she doesn’t like. It needs to be said to her, I just literally have no idea how I’m going to word it.

On a practical level you could throw a blanket (or two) over the sofa when you know she’s visiting and throw it straight in the wash when she leaves, keep some windows open and a candle burning.

I would meet her in a public place in future so she doesn’t stink out your home. Your sister did the right thing telling her and you should do the same. There’s no real tactful way of saying it so you just need to take the kindest tone possible.

I had to tell a boy at school once because he was being bullied mercilessly and I felt really sorry for him. I asked whether he wanted to borrow some deodorant and explained he might not be teased so much if he used it and washed more often. I had the best intentions.

She’s had O.Ts, physios and community support workers in upon my request, I fortunately I genuinely can’t always be there for them coming due to work. They come then she gets discharged from them.
This might sound strange but it’s almost like a split personality thing around health workers, she plays this nice lady who can do all sorts and to some degree she can do more than she makes out she can so with this in mind on a scoring sytem she probably comes out low? Then as soon as their gone she goes mad about the lack of care she’s received - this is after she has declined all the help offered. When she is with health care professionals she can tell some lies, like she’s had cancer - when she clearly hasn’t.

@AutumnRose1. A recent conversation went something like this “you have nothing to be depressed about, your not me” and it just went on from there really.

I think you're not the right person to be helping her. You've been on the receiving end so long, and your reserves of sympathy have understandably run out. So do not feel guilty if you decide to leave her to her own devices.

You mention that you have depression and anxiety. I think you need to prioritise yourself, to be honest. As I've said before, she's not alone. She has a husband. You are not her only source of company or support.

You need to look after yourself, and soon, your baby. To be honest, I'd be pulling right back from her.

She needs a meds review. What she's on isn't working if she's that low that hygiene gone by the wayside & she's sobbing etc. You need to tell her re the hygiene & possibly be very firm & go with her to the Dr if she's reluctant (insist, the I'm here to suffer is part of the depression not the real her). . I've had a few bi polar friends over the years. When their meds are working they function fine, not like you're describing. But I do know hormones & stress can make meds less effective & it can be tricky to get the right dose as everyone varies.

I doubt she’s taking her meds.

OP, what she says to you is terrible.

I echo everything that karencantobe says.

Also, some anti-depressants have a side effect of BO (which isn't helpful when one of the major symptoms is self-neglect).

Talk to her about the bad breath and show her some of the sprays that are on offer. Bad breath is often caused by bad diet, my daughters breath is awful due to her living on beige food (no veg or meat). I also have a relive who had awful breath but a few months ago his cousin decided to tell him how awful his breath was and pointed him in the direction of a spray he could use, he was actually really grateful for the advice and now uses the spray daily and no one has to put up with his bad breath anymore.

I definitely think she might have bi polar or something more complex. It would be just a case of trying to make her see it? I don’t know what I’d do about that. Obviously take her to the drs but the conversation around it would be brutal x

I’d tell her straight that her hygiene is bad and she needs to address it. Make clear you’re concerned for her.

Bi-polar is manic depression OP, just the more recent for it.
My mum has bi-polar disorder; I don't know if she is an exception to the rule but she is very fastidious, depressed, elated or otherwise.

I’ve never known her to have massive episodes of mania or hyper behavior at times it’s been very random and only for a few minutes at most and hour then crying after. I’ve only known her be really angry and aggressive and mildly violent.

"Mum, I'm very concerned you are not looking after yourself. You don't seem to be keeping yourself clean. What can I do to help? Would you like me to go with you to the GP?'
You don't have to say, 'God you stink.'
I have had to have this conversation with people I worked with and always approached it from the position of being worried about them. Which was true
No one wants to smell

It is OK to set your own boundaries, in fact, it is vital. When she starts saying hurtful things to you, tell her that you are ending the conversation/walking away because you aren't prepared to be her punching bag and you don't think engaging with her at that point is of any benefit to either of you.

You decide how much support you can give your mum without it having a huge impact on your own mental health. If you don't want her at your house because of how she smells you can put that boundary in too.

She has a husband, you need to protect your own mental health. I understand that it is difficult but please decide what you are and aren't prepared to do and put those boundaries in place.

I had this with a colleague and in the end the managers just had to address the issue directly. It's not easy but gentle hints or gifts of toiletries don't tend to work unfortunately.

Maybe frame it as asking if they are ok because they seem to have quite a strong smell (not saying it's been for a long time).

It’s just awfully sad

Put a waterproof mattress protector on your new sofa with a fleece blanket over it - the fleece can be washed and the sofa won't smell..

It is sad, Halloween.

It is really sad that an illness can make your mum have such little care for herself or be able to recognise how hard you have tried to help.

She has capacity, and this is her choice. It's baffling, upsetting and really difficult to tolerate - but, it is her choice. I hope she engages with her GP soon.

You sound very caring, and very tired.