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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Personal hygiene

95 replies

Halloweenbabyy · 27/01/2020 10:38

I have made a couple of posts regarding my mother recently- she’s a manic depressive and her behaviour is 9/10 unacceptable.

She does come to visit every other week. The thing is, and forgive me for sounds horrible, but she absolutely stinks, it’s foul. From her general body odour to her breath.

We currently have a leather sofa, I sit at one end and she sits at the other and I can smell her breath from that far away. When she leaves my front room/sofa stinks. Thankfully it’s leather so it can be washed, but we’re getting a new fabric sofa in a week or so.

How do I tell her she stinks in the nicest way possible? She’s erratic and cry’s at everything then talks about wants to be dead ect if you say anything that’s she doesn’t like. It needs to be said to her, I just literally have no idea how I’m going to word it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Halloweenbabyy · 27/01/2020 11:41

We did get care staff in for her a few years ago. She wouldn’t have none of it and wouldn’t let them help her with anything x

OP posts:
Randomname85 · 27/01/2020 11:45

You 100% need to get to the bottom of the issue rather than focus on the outer issues. Are you particularly close to her? If she is a hoarder and her personal hygiene is that bad she doesn’t care about herself at all and you need to take some time to get her better. Can you make more time for her than every other week? Can she stay over for a night a week or something and you can run her a nice bath, do some washing for her etc. She sounds like she really needs and intervention ASAP.

SweetpeaOrMarigold · 27/01/2020 11:46

With severe mental health illness, its quite common to allow yourself to wallow so deeply that you don't look after yourself. You (or someone) needs to basically tell her straight. She will feel much better for it. Not saying its going to 'cure' her obviously but those in similar situations say its helpful.

Randomname85 · 27/01/2020 11:47

@CallMeRachel unfortunately I agree with this. I would be going to the ends of the earth to get my mum well again, it sounds like you see her as a nuisance OP. But I have no idea about the history of your relationship.

Luckystar777 · 27/01/2020 11:47

social services?

LakieLady · 27/01/2020 11:49

I'm sure the neglect is down to her MH. I've never known a client with serious depression who kept themselves clean and fragrant without a lot of prompting.

I'd start by saying that you know it's really hard for her to motivate herself to have a shower etc because of her depression, but could she please just make an effort to shower and clean her teeth on the days she comes to your house, because she frankly smells rank and it's unpleasant for you.

If she agrees to that, then ring her and remind her to shower etc on the morning that she comes to you. (I've done this with clients, actually said that I won't be able to keep coming if they don't get themselves clean on the day I visit). And when she gets there, give her a hug and tell her she smells lovely!

Your poor mum does sound quite unwell. Does she have any input from MH services? She could probably do with it.

Butterflyflower1234 · 27/01/2020 11:50

Your mother has a serious mental health issue, subtle hints won't work. Trying to bulldoze her into changing won't work. You need to be patient and supportive with her. Be direct but please be kind to her.

Frenchw1fe · 27/01/2020 11:52

Get a very thick and large throw.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 27/01/2020 11:53

Her behaviour is a symptom.

If she has capacity then, I'm so sorry, but, there is nothing you can do.

Suggest you make some clear boundaries for yourself so you can manage to maintain the relationship. Arrange to meet with her at a cafe, obliquely pressuring her to be dressed?

Carer's fatigue is real. It's ok to be exasperated with her and just withdraw from making her hygiene your problem. Keep encouraging her to engage with her GP, that's the only really helpful thing you can do.

LakieLady · 27/01/2020 11:57

Sorry, just seen the bit about the hoarding, OP. Is it so bad that she can't actually get in the bathroom to shower?

She sounds so like an ex-client of mine, that I'd think it WAS her if I didn't know for a fact that she never had children. And my late DM was a hoarder, clearing out her house after her death was a nightmare. She had dementia, and she was scared to throw anything away in case it was important.

If she's in a council property, the council might be prepared to to get involved with the hoarding. It's a fire risk and the risk of vermin infestation is infinitely greater in a property full of stuff. Most councils and HAs have someone who deals with tenants who hoard. My mate does a lot of work with hoarders, she's brilliant at it.

Foldinglaundryisnotforme · 27/01/2020 12:00

Correct me if I'm wrong, but in regards to capacity... Surely if her personal care and her home is in an extreme state of neglect then she cannot be regarded as having full capacity and is in fact putting her health at risk? She must be at risk of all manner of infection, not to mention hoarding causing fire risk etc

gingersausage · 27/01/2020 12:09

So she smells 🤷‍♀️. Ultimately that’s her choice and it doesn’t make her a bad person. There’s an absolute obsession on MN with personal hygiene, and the shaming of people who don’t keep theirs up to aseptic standards. When you have depression, self care is one of the first things to start to slip for a lot of people, simply because it doesn’t matter that much when you are struggling with everything else.

Needless to say, the attitudes of some people on here toward the obviously mentally ill are despicable as usual.

gingersausage · 27/01/2020 12:10

@Frenchw1fe get an ounce of fucking compassion!

Original poster
Halloweenbabyy · 27/01/2020 12:11

It’s difficult tbh. Are we close? Absolutely not no. She has always used me as an emotional punch bag, someone’s to scream and shout and to make herself feel better. She has pretty much neglected me over other siblings. She has paid more interest in me this last year as my sibling hasn’t bothered with her - she used to be there daily.
I try to do the best I can, I take her to hospital to see consultants, to the drs to the most medical appointments I can get to.
I try to talk and reason with her but she always thinks I’m wrong. I’m currently pregnant with scoliosis and I will be collecting my crutches soon to help me mobilise better, so I physically can’t do more than I can as I’m in constant pain. She doesn’t understand that I’m not in perfect health it’s always about her health.
Her hygiene has always been an issue - when I lived at home she would scream at me for taking showers and baths daily, for only wearing a top once then wanting it to be washed for constantly using new towels ect.

OP posts:
karencantobe · 27/01/2020 12:13

@foldinglaundry Not washing and hoarding does not mean you do not have capacity.

justasking111 · 27/01/2020 12:19

Take care of your health firstly. Secondly phone the council about hoarding, they can do something about that. Thirdly write a letter to her explaining her health, hygiene and you do not wish to see her until this improves. Fourthly as others have said contact adult social services and her GP.

You will not want her anywhere near your baby will you?? So time to sort now.

karencantobe · 27/01/2020 12:23

The council can only do something about hoarding if it is a council property or causing issues such as rats.
Councils have a vulnerable adults team that anyone can make a referral to. And OP can contact them to ask them for help.
But I think a lot of you are naive about the lack of support out there.

Rhea1981 · 27/01/2020 12:26

I really feel for you. My dad's the same but he won't leave his flat so I go to visit him. He doesnt wash, brush his teeth or change his clothes and has all his windows shut and his flat absolutely stinks. He's diagnosed with anxiety and depression and has had all the help of mental health professionals and medication but nothing helps. I've told him it smells and encouraged him to have a bath but he just won't budge from the sofa and always says he'll do it later. I have to open the windows as soon as I go in as the smell is so so bad and he complains I'm letting cold air in. I've tried everything to help my dad as have professionals but nothing works with him and he just blames everyone else for his problems, if I leave him to it he says no one cares, if I try and encourage him he gets really angry. It's soul destroying.

Original poster
Halloweenbabyy · 27/01/2020 12:31

It’s her/dads house. With hoarding it’s like plant pots and lots of plants. The kitchen is rammed full of everything, there’s no work surface bare. The bathroom is clear and is easily assessable. @Rhea1981 she gets very angry and very stroppy over anything. She becomes very personal and says things to be hurtful.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 27/01/2020 12:35

She has always used me as an emotional punch bag, someone’s to scream and shout and to make herself feel better. She has pretty much neglected me over other siblings. She has paid more interest in me this last year as my sibling hasn’t bothered with her

I kind of saw that coming, Halloweenbabyy, and I really am so sorry.
You're obviously doing your best with taking her to appointments, etc, and I agree with PPs that a referral to Adult Social Services might be worthwhile, but has the time perhaps come to take a big step back?

There really is only so much you can do here, and I'm not sure that neglecting yourself and your own family is going to help

Randomname85 · 27/01/2020 12:44

That’s really hard for you OP especially if you’re pregnant too. Flowers for you

ChicChicChicChiclana · 27/01/2020 12:51

I don't like the posters guilt-tripping this OP for not doing more for her mother. I think it would be quite understandable if she stopped seeing her altogether.

helberg · 27/01/2020 12:56

Sorry if I've missed this - but is your Dad still alive/still with your Mum?
You mention it's "her/Dad's house".
If Dad is still living with her, what is he doing about the situation?

isitpossibleto · 27/01/2020 12:57

@CallMeRachel - exactly. It is still ok to openly mock, belittle and blame those with MH issues.

dentydown · 27/01/2020 12:58

If you don’t want to address it, but a sofa throw and put it on your sofa before she comes round?