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AIBU?

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Original poster

Lack of effort from husband

72 replies

MBalloch · 26/01/2020 21:40

Today is my birthday and I have expressed over the last couple of weeks that I was not looking forward to it as it's my last year of my 20s (that may sound daft!!).

I went down to manchester on friday for my aunts suprise bday party and came home tonight. My husband didnt come as me and my sister just went down with my dad. I said all week that I would really like it if my husband could make pizza dough so when I got home we could have home made pizza (we used to do that all the time and my husband keeps saying that he wants to start cooking again as I I alot of the cooking which I really enjoy) my bday and I also said that i really wanted new pjs. Feel a bit sad because when I woke up, I could hear my dad and sister chatting about my bday and they presented me with a few gifts then my sister bought me brunch before coming home. I got home a while ago and feel really annoyed. My husband has been complaining about a sore wisdom tooth all week and he has been in alot of pain, however, when I got home he hadn't made pizza dough and just handed me his phone to order what i wanted from justeat then added that he didnt have the chance to get to the shops to buy me pjs as his tooth was too sore. He then handed me a card and chocolates that he obviously got from the local tesco. Why couldn't he just get me pjs? He also said at Christmas that he wanted to buy me a smart watch but I disagreed saying that I didnt really want one and would need to look into it more and it could be a possible bday present. My husband also just said that he will take me to the shops to buy me one 😪 I just feel annoyed as he done this a few years ago with my tablet, he said he wanted to buy me one. I didnt have a strong desire to get one but thought it would be hand and on my bday he took me to currys and told me to pick one. I am not a selfish or ungrateful person but it's the lack of effort which upsets me. I've been away all weekend and just feel like no fuss has been made. I dont want to be spoilt or to receive hundreds of gifts or expensive presents, I just really appreciate the effort. I feel bad as he keeps reminding me that his tooth is sore but I just thought he would of made it a bit more special considering how upset I was about turning 29.

Am I being horrible? Currently watching love island in a right mood :(

OP posts:
WaggleWiggle · 26/01/2020 21:45

Well, has his tooth been sore for an entire fortnight or has it just been the last 48 hours, indicating that he left buying pyjamas until it was too late to actually get any? I suspect the latter and if so then I agree that a box of chocolates from Tesco is a crap and thoughtless sole gift for a husband to buy for his wife.

WaggleWiggle · 26/01/2020 21:46

Happy birthday btw FlowersCake

busybarbara · 26/01/2020 21:47

My husband has been complaining about a sore wisdom tooth all week and he has been in alot of pain

Dental pain is the worst. It can really stop you in your tracks and make you a different person temporarily. I would cut him some slack and expect the same in return of course

Original poster
MBalloch · 26/01/2020 21:48

It's been sore for the last week :( dont know if I'm being horrible as he does have a sore tooth but just thought I would've got a wee bit of fuss as I have been away all weekend and wasn't looking forward to turning 29 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
RedskyAtnight · 26/01/2020 21:49

I think you need to cut him some slack if he's had tooth pain - it can be absolutely crippling.

Original poster
MBalloch · 26/01/2020 21:50

I do feel bad as dental pain can be the worst but he has still been going to work and pop by his mum and dads and my bday is the same time very year. Just a wee bit of effort would have been nice :(

OP posts:
londoncanyouwait · 26/01/2020 21:54

He might have had toothache the last few days but actually if he'd thought ahead he'd already have bought/ordered something.

Even on Friday he could have got something delivered for Saturday.

I'd be disappointed too. I had a shit birthday last year so I can relate.

Make sure he knows you're hurt. One thing my partner pointed out a lot in the early days is he didn't really know what I wanted from him so he always felt like he was getting it wrong. He is better now but still uses that excuse which I don't think is ok after 20 years!

Piglet89 · 26/01/2020 21:55

Yeah I had 3 months of bad dental issues and pain. It was crippling and my husband said I was a different person during that episode. I couldn’t cook or do all the stuff I usually do to keep the household running.

HOWEVER I did manage to design him some personalised stationery on the same day I had my wisdom tooth extracted, as one of his birthday presents, so there are ways and means...

Original poster
MBalloch · 26/01/2020 22:00

That's my issue that my birthday is never planned out well. I usually have to show him exactly what I want as he never just surprises me. Just annoyed at the lack of effort that's all. He could have easily bought me pjs from tesco when he obviously went to buy my card. I know I probably sound ungrateful and bitchy but it's the lack of effort which upsets me when I put alot of effort in for his bdays.

OP posts:
flouncyfanny · 26/01/2020 22:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DappledThings · 26/01/2020 22:01

So you weren't looking forward to it and had asked only for one specific thing (the pizza dough) which he was legitimately too ill to produce.

Sounds a bit confusing to me. You said you weren't looking forward to it which to me would mean you don't want a fuss so he's only got it wrong but not being psychic and knowing you not looking forward to it actually meant you did want a bit of a fuss after all. I think you were really unclear.

londoncanyouwait · 26/01/2020 22:02

Maybe if this was a one-off you would be disappointed still but not as hurt? Having form for this before would make me far less sympathetic about the tooth pain.

Original poster
MBalloch · 26/01/2020 22:08

I've just been telling everyone that I am not looking forward to turning 29... and that I'm terrified of being 30 next year I dont think that means I'm not looking for any effort etc. The only two things I really wanted were pjs and to have home made pizza. I understand that he has been in pain so making dough would have been a bit much but I just felt hurt that he just handed me his phone and told me to choose a take away when I got home. I didnt even get wished a happy birthday then he said he has been in too much pain to go to shops to buy me pjs... but he could have picked me up a pair in tesco when he was buying my card. It's the thought that counts!

I am feeling bitchy :( but he never puts effort in for my bdays just hurts when I put alot of effort in for his bdays

OP posts:
JollyJlly · 26/01/2020 22:10

Plenty of ways for him to order stuff online without leaving the house.....

Lunafortheloveogod · 26/01/2020 22:19

He could’ve ordered pj’s or any other present on amazon n had it over night if he’d realised he’d cut it short. Probably could’ve stuck an online order on somewhere for the stuff for pizza dough or a premade dough, wouldn’t have been the same but the effort would’ve been there..

Actually fuck he was at Tesco he could’ve bought a pizza base.

Toothaches the pits but he’s had it for a week, if it’s bad enough to really stop you in your tracks you see a dentist and if it’s not quite there you take pain killers as often as you can.. I’ve no sympathy for martyrs who won’t touch a paracetamol but will lay dying of whatever when it suits them.

Original poster
MBalloch · 26/01/2020 22:21

Yes, I dont know why I added the smart watch part in. I was illustrating that he doesnt suprise me with gifts and most of the time I have to pick exactly what I want.

Realised some of my rant is a bit confusing aswell. I was typing quickly whilst waiting for my take away!!

I do feel for him but he has been popping into his mum and dads, going to work and going to early morning gym classes... all with this toothache... so I am hurt with the effort 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
MBalloch · 26/01/2020 22:23

To be fair he has seen his dentist and has been given antibiotics but he has still managed to go to work, morning gym classes and see his mum and dad. All I wanted was pjs and a pizza lol

Feel bad that I've had a moan at him but missed him all weekend and thought there would have been more.. that's all.

OP posts:
CripsSandwiches · 26/01/2020 22:25

Why couldn't he just order the PJ's online? It would have taken him two minutes. I agree that's very lazy.

WorraLiberty · 26/01/2020 22:26

You sound complicated to be honest.

I think if I was living with someone who was 'terrified' of turning 30 next year and unhappy about turning 29 today, (leave aside all the mixed messages about Christmas presents), I think I'd opt for a box of chocolates and a card too.

He was probably scared you'd throw a fit over his choice of pyjamas.

It's just a birthday - well all have them and turning 30 beats the shit out of dying young.

JKScot4 · 26/01/2020 22:30

You sound like a 5 yr old, expecting surprises, terrified of turning 30??
I’d rather choose a gift than be given some surprise I didn’t want.

Weenurse · 26/01/2020 22:30

I am married to a similar one.
After 30 years of marriage I have taken to leaving brochures on the kitchen counter with ‘I want this’ message and picture circled.
Happy birthday 🎁

Molly2017 · 26/01/2020 22:34

I don’t think YABU, he sounds lazy.
Has he even said sorry?
Not to wish you happy birthday sounds a bit nasty and getting you to order your own birthday dinner? No effort at all.

Original poster
MBalloch · 26/01/2020 22:34

Mixed christmas present messages? He suggested buying me smart watch, I said I didnt know much about them nor have I ever shown an interested to owning one so I said I would look into it and it could be a possible birthday present. But I didnt look into it as I dont really want one in all honesty and I've said that! All I said i wanted for my bday this year was a home made pizza and pjs.

It is just a birthday but I put so much effort into his bday every year that I have found tonight quite hurtful.

OP posts:
Original poster
MBalloch · 26/01/2020 22:38

I dont think its childish to expect effort?
I didnt say I wanted a suprise for my bday? Not sure where you read that? I wanted pjs and a pizza!

OP posts:
Frenchw1fe · 26/01/2020 22:51

I have an impacted wisdom tooth. Some days it's very sore but I pop a painkiller and crack on. I don't think it would stop me making pizza dough.
Of course all pain is subjective but if he's going to work then I think he probably spent the weekend in bed or slobbing round the house.
When it's his birthday I suggest you have a really bad headache and stay in bed.