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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Lack of effort from husband

72 replies

MBalloch · 26/01/2020 21:40

Today is my birthday and I have expressed over the last couple of weeks that I was not looking forward to it as it's my last year of my 20s (that may sound daft!!).

I went down to manchester on friday for my aunts suprise bday party and came home tonight. My husband didnt come as me and my sister just went down with my dad. I said all week that I would really like it if my husband could make pizza dough so when I got home we could have home made pizza (we used to do that all the time and my husband keeps saying that he wants to start cooking again as I I alot of the cooking which I really enjoy) my bday and I also said that i really wanted new pjs. Feel a bit sad because when I woke up, I could hear my dad and sister chatting about my bday and they presented me with a few gifts then my sister bought me brunch before coming home. I got home a while ago and feel really annoyed. My husband has been complaining about a sore wisdom tooth all week and he has been in alot of pain, however, when I got home he hadn't made pizza dough and just handed me his phone to order what i wanted from justeat then added that he didnt have the chance to get to the shops to buy me pjs as his tooth was too sore. He then handed me a card and chocolates that he obviously got from the local tesco. Why couldn't he just get me pjs? He also said at Christmas that he wanted to buy me a smart watch but I disagreed saying that I didnt really want one and would need to look into it more and it could be a possible bday present. My husband also just said that he will take me to the shops to buy me one 😪 I just feel annoyed as he done this a few years ago with my tablet, he said he wanted to buy me one. I didnt have a strong desire to get one but thought it would be hand and on my bday he took me to currys and told me to pick one. I am not a selfish or ungrateful person but it's the lack of effort which upsets me. I've been away all weekend and just feel like no fuss has been made. I dont want to be spoilt or to receive hundreds of gifts or expensive presents, I just really appreciate the effort. I feel bad as he keeps reminding me that his tooth is sore but I just thought he would of made it a bit more special considering how upset I was about turning 29.

Am I being horrible? Currently watching love island in a right mood :(

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 27/01/2020 07:52

It is a problem because it's really thoughtless of him. How hard is it to buy some pyjamas?! I know his tooth hurts but it doesn't seem to have stopped him doing things he wants to do.
Do you want to stay with someone so inconsiderate?

firstimemamma · 27/01/2020 08:03

On my birthday I'm just happy that my fiancé, ds and I are all alive, happy and healthy. Any gifts are just a bonus on top of that. Life is fragile and good health is an amazing gift

Shoxfordian · 27/01/2020 08:07

Did your fiance buy you a present @firstimemamma?

firstimemamma · 27/01/2020 08:12

@Shoxfordian sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't. I couldn't care less! I can assure you I'm just as happy each birthday regardless. Last birthday was my 30th so he got me a little something despite me telling him he didn't have to. He's a paramedic so is never fussed by presents because he's seen with his own eyes the fragility of life and it's made him so grateful just to be alive! Each to their own

Shoxfordian · 27/01/2020 08:16

Cool, whatever works for you

SunOnAll · 27/01/2020 08:22

It sounds like you have unrealistic expectations of your partner. Some people just aren't great at thinking of surprises/thoughtful gifts, YABU to expect him to be a certain way when he's just not.

And stop making such an effort on his birthdays, it'll make you feel less hurt.

It's not fair to judge him on his actions this year though while he's in severe pain, maybe mention to him that you'd like a birthday 'do-over' when he's better, pick a day and ask him to buy the PJs you want and do the pizza dough thing.

It was my birthday recently and I'd made lots of plans but DH was very poorly and they had to be cancelled - that's just life! We'll do something when he's feeling better instead.

You do come across as a little immature 'dreading' being 30, it's just a number. Trust me you'll soon be wishing you were 30!

DramaDromedary · 27/01/2020 08:25

I get you, OP. You were specific about what you wanted, you didn’t ask for much, it would have cost him hardly any effort, and he still didn’t bother. I don’t think you’re a drama queen or a princess at all. It might be worth thinking about whether he loves you as you want to be loved in other ways, for the future...

Shoxfordian · 27/01/2020 08:43

It's not unrealistic to expect your partner to buy you a birthday present

BaolFan · 27/01/2020 08:47

You have different ways of communicating - the smart watch is an excellent example. He said he wanted to get you one. You said you didn't know much about them and would have to look into it. What you meant was, I don't want that as a present - what he's heard is "I may want it as a present, I haven't ruled it out".

Be very clear with what you want and your expectations. So, if birthdays are important to you, make it very clear to him that this is non-negotiable and that you want him to make you feel valued. To address the present issue, start an Amazon wishlist and give him access to it. Then add things to it throughout the year so he has a cast-iron list of things he knows you will want. Plus doing it via wishlist means there is no excuse for not getting them because all he has to do is add them to basket. Make it clear you want wrapped presents to open on the day - not being handed a shopping trip with his card.

Seriously, don't spend time festering and feeling pissed off - although I understand why you feel annoyed. But at the moment you're grumpy because he hasn't 'got it' and he's probably feeling mystified and a bit grumpy as well because his tooth pain is horrible and he's been thoughtless because he thinks that taking you shopping is what you want.

I spent the early years of my marriage feeling very miserable because my DH thought that taking me Xmas shopping in the Boxing Day sales was a good Xmas present. He used to get grumpy because he couldn't understand why I was giving him the cold shoulder - which would make me upset because I couldn't understand why he didn't put two and two together. All of this was addressed by learning to communicate more clearly.

TheWernethWife · 27/01/2020 08:53

In future OP, don't make the effort on his birthday. See if he likes them apples.

GabriellaMontez · 27/01/2020 08:53

Did he used to make an effort?

My experience of a man like this, is if someone doesn't care you cant make them. Sorry.

Straycatstrut · 27/01/2020 09:12

If he has genuine tooth pain as bad as mine last year I feel for him. I was on the floor howling with pain. Literally screaming into cushions. I took a couple of Tramadol that belonged to my ex's GM (she had boxes and boxes of it) because I couldn't eat, sleep or look after my kids. It knocked me out it was stupid. I never want to feel it again!

I also know what it's like to have a "DP" who uses pain as an excuse to make no effort for anyone. It was quite obviously faked a lot of the time.

mumto2teenagers · 27/01/2020 09:20

I think YABU.

You told him you were not looking forward to turning 29 but are now complaining he didn’t put much effort into your birthday. If you mentioned the watch but wanted to look into them more then him taking you shopping so you can choose one seems reasonable.

dottiedodah · 27/01/2020 09:21

Firstly ,Happy Birthday from me ! hugs to you .Wait until you turn 50! I get the lack of effort but tooth pain is the worst .Maybe he went to his DP for tea and sympathy? Its not the end of the world is it ? Can you go shopping for some nice PJs with him, or pick some online? Why not book an evening next W/E for a Pizza Restaurant ? Doesnt have to be the exact day (we went out Saturday Eve for friends birthday which was last week)! xx

CheshireDing · 27/01/2020 09:23

YANBU
I don’t know why people are saying you’re childish and hard work, sounds pretty straight forward to me.
You asked for Pj’s and pizza, DH can go to work etc but not be arsed to order pj’s on line weeks ago and even pick up a pizza in Tesco as a last resort whilst he was there, it’s pathetic of him and shows no care. You didn’t ask for much ffs!

Tell him, you need to otherwise you will be on here in 20 years saying how selfish he is

ActualHornist · 27/01/2020 11:31

He might have bad bad toothache but this is clearly how he is regarding birthdays, or specifically, your birthday.

YANBU to be upset he made the bare minimum of effort for you (I don’t like my birthday and don’t do anything but I’m not competitive about it like some!). I agree with @cheshireding - you asked for pyjamas and pizza, he got you a card and chocolates. He could have ordered the pyjamas online; if he was completely poleaxed by toothache I’m not sure he’d still be able to go to the gym!

Happy birthday

Mrschainsawuk · 27/01/2020 12:37

It sounds like he can't win either way if he wants to get you something you say I am not sure and if he get you to pick your own you are not happy also you are 29 not 7

Sh05 · 27/01/2020 12:45

If he's been going in to work then it can't have been that crippling. It's just lazy to blame tooth ache when he's fine doing everything else besides the one or two minor things you asked for.
I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a little effort from him at all.

EKGEMS · 27/01/2020 17:21

JKScott Oh buzz off you sound nasty and without a jot of empathy

EKGEMS · 27/01/2020 17:24

He sounds like a lazy ass and you deserve to have what you wanted for your birthday. I'd have a sharp word with him and let him know he's fucked up. You are NOT hard work or childish idk why there are so many posters who cannot see beyond the end of their noses

GoodnightJude1 · 27/01/2020 17:29

I’d be upset too op....he could have ordered your pjs online if he didn’t want to go out shopping. Nice card from moonpig and the pizza dough is hardly tricky. Although I’ve had really bad toothache before and it is horrible....but I think he could have made more effort.
Happy birthday 🥳

topcat2014 · 27/01/2020 17:31

I expressly ask DW not to get anything for my birthday apart from a card. I prefer it that way.

Who needs the stress. Just buy your own stuff..

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