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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Coercive control

81 replies

Fairygodmotherplease · 26/01/2020 14:43

I don't have an aibu, sorry.
I'd like to know how someone can go so long - multiple decades for example - without realising they are being controlled.
And what steps do you take to recover from such a thing?

OP posts:
MGC31 · 27/01/2020 18:29

I remember a boy at college who ended up in a relationship with an older woman when he was 17. She literally took over his life and controlled every tiny aspect.......made him feel guilty for “making” her do horrible things to him, crushed his spirit, made him believe he was so useless no one else would ever want him and that she was the only one that really cared about him. You could see his confidence and self-esteem disappearing day by day.

Eckhart · 27/01/2020 18:40

Big day for you, OP. This'll be the best thing you ever did, even if it's hard right now. Your child is lucky to have a mum who will stand up for them so bravely. You're setting a great example. Stay strong.

Gilead · 27/01/2020 19:15

Well done! 💐

Stronger76 · 27/01/2020 19:16

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. It won't always be easy, in fact you don't need us to tell you some days are going to be hard as hell. But taking this first step is a huge day.

NoFun21 · 27/01/2020 19:35

ScrimshawtheSecond just describes the last 10 years of my life.

thescarftwins · 27/01/2020 19:39

ThanksThanks

ScrimshawTheSecond · 27/01/2020 19:55

I'm so sorry, NoFun. Flowers

Original poster
Fairygodmotherplease · 29/01/2020 17:29

The police want me to give a statement tomorrow and I'm really scared. The police are much scarier than social services and I'm back to being scared they won't believe me.
Now i know and can see it all, even I don't know how I couldn't have seen. I want to shake my past self awake.
Please tell me this is normal?

OP posts:
MitziK · 29/01/2020 17:33

Of course being scared is normal.

Are you still 'in' the relationship? The police will be able to help protect you, whether you are or not.

You can do this.

Original poster
Fairygodmotherplease · 29/01/2020 17:41

He is still living here, he is on the tenancy so I'm relying on them helping to remove him as orders will take a while and he would be notified I've been told.
I have not loved him for years, I've resented him for so long. The last almost 2 decades have been damage control for the kids. I've dreamed about leaving but always knew I couldn't just leave, in the back of my mind I knew it wasn't a 'normal' relationship but I didn't know what it was.
I won't lose my children, will I?

OP posts:
MitziK · 29/01/2020 17:45

No, of course you won't.

ScrimshawTheSecond · 29/01/2020 19:01

Fairy, of course that's normal. One doesn't recover from years of that kind of situation instantly. The doubt and fear are completely normal, your situation (very unfortunately) is not that uncommon.

Police given the task of dealing with a situation like yours should have had specific training in coercive control and abuse. They are there to help and protect you and the children.

Is there someone you could ask to be with you when you give a statement? For moral support? I'll be there holding your hand in spirit.

Have you spoken to Women's Aid? They could perhaps advise on getting a lawyer sorted out.

Wishing you bon courage for tomorrow. You are amazing, and you are stronger than you think you are. Think of this as work that has to be done.

StrawberryJam200 · 29/01/2020 19:02
Flowers
ScrimshawTheSecond · 29/01/2020 19:06

Lots of info here, including legal stuff:

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/

ScrimshawTheSecond · 30/01/2020 08:27

Thinking of you today, OP.

Original poster
Fairygodmotherplease · 30/01/2020 20:44

The police officer was amazing today. She could see I was nervous and so she made it more of a chat and will write the statement up for me to sign off.
I'm so relieved that's over!
Social services and the police will be having a meeting tomorrow.

OP posts:
StrawberryJam200 · 30/01/2020 21:09

Well done x

ScrimshawTheSecond · 30/01/2020 21:13

That's brilliant, well done. Take it easy on yourself, you're doing so well.

OhioOhioOhio · 30/01/2020 21:14

Because each tiny communication or demand is presented as reasonable and because they lie. All of the fucking time.

KundaliniRising · 31/01/2020 11:11

Well done Fairygodmotherplease you are doing really well, you should be proud with yourself.

Flowers
Original poster
Fairygodmotherplease · 03/02/2020 21:55

Well, an update.
Social services have decided to put the children on child protection plans and do a full 2 week assessment before actually helping us to get away.
DC14 now knows as was questioned at school, so we are both treading on eggshells around him. Sad Feels utterly miserable.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fairygodmotherplease · 03/02/2020 23:20

Can't actually cope with the thought of losing the kids. How am I going to make it through this?
I reported it. I've done everything I can to protect them, they are my world. I'm breaking.

OP posts:
StrawberryJam200 · 04/02/2020 07:56

You won’t lose them if you follow soc services advice, which you are doing from what you’ve said. Don’t worry x

Original poster
Fairygodmotherplease · 04/02/2020 08:39

I will absolutely follow everything. Any support, programmes etc I'm fully accepting. I will be their protective factor. I am a good mum and that will show.
But. I can't help but feel terrified.

OP posts:
BrettAndersonscheekbones · 04/02/2020 22:32

I have just escaped a coercive controlling relationship. Everything started very gradually and encompassed every aspect of my life from how a cup of tea was made to how and when we had sex. The sex was coercive which is tantamount to rape. After yet another of his late night rants something just pinged in my head and, after having kept my gob shut for years I poured all the worst bits to a close family member who pointed out what he was doing was a criminal offence. I walked out while he was in the shower, blocked his number and went straight to the police.

He was arrested the following day and cannot now approach the house. Me and my kids are safe. I feel relief, sorrow but mainly guilt for having turned my/their lives upside down.