Coercive control

[Fairygodmotherplease]

I don't have an aibu, sorry.
I'd like to know how someone can go so long - multiple decades for example - without realising they are being controlled.
And what steps do you take to recover from such a thing?

Yes, of course. There's the hope that someone else might see parallels, and find a way out.

I'm finding the coronation street storyline so hard to watch too, and I've never been in that situation before

Morgenrot please let us help you. And realise that you are resisting already, by posting on here if nothing else. And that you are worth SO much more. @Fairygodmotherplease do you need help too?
to anyone feeling there’s no way out. I felt like that once too. I was wrong.

@namechangenumber2 I think the point is that it's obvious to those looking on that there is coercive control taking place, and also looking back at your own past life. When you're with someone you love (or have a father who you've been told really loves you and has your best interests at heart), you really can't see it, and feel bad that you want to escape from it.

It really is only those on the outside who can see it, or when you're out of the situation, that you can see it, with hindsight.

I've also been in the position of looking on from the outside when someone was describing what their relationship was like, just after it had ended. My DSis's first marriage was abusive, and when it first ended, and she told me what he had done to her, I was really angry, as you can imagine, but she wouldn't let me to say a thing against her exH. Now that she's in a new marriage with a really loving second marriage, she can see the truth about it.

It's 22 years since our F passed away, and it's only now that I'm finally coming out the other side.

I'm telling someone tomorrow and I'm terrified they'll think I was to blame for not realising. The guilt is awful, how could anyone believe I couldn't see it?
Terrified to say everything.
Terrified how he'll react when asked to leave or arrested.
Hand hold appreciated.

@fairy handhold and unmumsnetty hug from me. I believe you

Oh, OP. Handhold here. You are so brave. Will be right here if you need support. There are also lots of organisations and so on who can offer help, Womens Aid would be a good start.

I know the guilt is a thing. It's part of it, it's completely normal, and just best to try and think of it as part of your process. You need to heal.

I believe you.

I believe you too, good luck!

Handhold here. One step at a time

So well done for deciding to tell someone, @Fairygodmotherplease! If they’re a professional who deals with DA, they will absolutely believe you, and completely understand how you feel.

I'm one who got away and life is so much brighter now. Be brave

I believe you x

Gosh. I have no advice but I am currently a couple months on from leaving my husband. Even now he causes me issues, confuses me, switches from nice to horrendous in the space of a second, I'm still walking on eggshells. He currently has my DD too even now I question whether this is real. Whether this is actually my life. Whether I am actually the innocent party in all of this - I blame myself daily. I am confused, depressed and utterly bewildered. Have a negative statement to police recently because of the harassment but still didn't have the guts to make a positive statement (which would mean him being arrested and facing 3 charges ). I still question to this day whether I am actually the one in the wrong and overreacting. My family have been gaslighted against me. Luckily, my friends have been a tremendous support. But even now, this is the man I married, the man I had so many happy years with. I'll never understand why he changed. If at all - perhaps I woke up who knows

There's no point to this post other than to say, I am confused and understand so many of you whom say the same. Sorry, I know this was a load of word vomit!

Oh and OP, I believe you

fairygodmother. I did 22 years. The police were really good in my case. I’m a bright, intelligent woman but as others have said, it’s insidious.
I’ve been away a good while now and it’s fabulous. It wasn’t at first, it was scary, and lonely and odd, but now it’s bloody wonderful most of the time. I live a long way from him, and have my own place. My children fully support me. Good luck!

Just over 2 hours to go and I'm terrified! My heart is going crazy and I need to look normal for another hour.
What I need to say is really bad.
A DC is in care and I experienced what I now know (as in, realised about 5 days ago) to be sexual abuse, maybe even rape.
The DC in care has said they experienced sexual abuse too.
He has devastated us.

Here for you. 💐

@Fairygodmotherplease how are you?

I did it, it's all out. Apparently they don't rush things as it can increase risk. So hurry but not rush.
They said I did the right thing.
Back to normal for now.

Well done you brave lady. I really hope things start to slowly get better for you, you keep talking and keep receiving support. I think you are marvelous, to be able to start to see your way through such a shitty frightening situation. There are lots of ladies here who will listen and give you any advice we can. Sending you huge hugs and complete respect.

So much admiration for you, Fairy. Well done. Wishing you and your children all the best - you've been through so much. Hopefully this is the beginning of you getting your life back.

Well done!! You are working for your DC, being the best mum you can be. (You might want to read Lundy Bancroft’s The Batterer as Incest Perpetrator at some point.)

Sorry OP I probably sounded too much like you’d supplied a dozen cupcakes for a school summer fayre rather than the horrendous thing you are actually having to do. Can’t really imagine what you’re going through.

I believe you, here too holding your hand.

Poor you and poor dc, please speak to the 'lifecentre' it is an organisation for people who have been sexually abused and the family of an abuse victim, it has a national phone line and face to face counselling can be offered if you are in sussex. They may know of a similar organisation near to you. Your dc may be able to have counselling too.

Have you contacted womans aid for help in exiting this relationship safely?