Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

AIBU to worry about my daughter's anorexic MiL?

75 replies

womaninblue · 26/01/2020 13:09

My DD and her partner have been living together for a couple of years now and are talking of marrying and having children. I've met the in-laws a couple of times (they live a three-hour drive away) and on each occasion the BF's mother has talked rather obsessively and negatively about weight and looks. MIL is 5'11", very beautiful, whippet-thin and was a model in the 1980s until she married well and gave up work. In my family we're shorter and more shapely. My daughter is 5'6" and a curvy size 12 with breasts and hips and a waist. She plays a lot of tennis and runs, so she's fit and healthy, and of course she's beautiful (I'm her mum) but she'll never be a catwalk model.

The very first time I met MIL we went out to dinner and it was noticeable that she hardly ate anything. She also passed little comments about what I and my daughter were eating ('I can't remember the time I ate a cream sauce', 'You're not planning to eat all those potatoes, surely' etc). She asked if all my family were heavy and said that she was so lucky never to have to worry about her weight, while looking pointedly at my daughter. At one point during the evening someone showed photos from a wedding they'd attended and potential MIL sighed and said of the bride, 'She has a lovely face, even if she is obese.' Her son took the photo out of her hand and told her to stop it. The bride in the photo didn't look obese to me.

The second time we met we were all away for a weekend event and she made excuses to miss meals –headache, not feeling well. It was clear that her husband and son are used to this. When she did appear after breakfast one morning she commented on my make-up (I don't wear much) and told me how contouring could make me look less round-faced. Later that day, when we were having tea and cake and my daughter helped herself to a slice, she said 'Chloe, are you really sure you need the calories?' My daughter said yes and ate it with relish.

My daughter and I have talked about it and my daughter just laughs it off and says that everyone knows MIL is obsessed with food and weight and they all ignore it and I should too. But I've only met the woman twice and I'm already wary of her and the way she's managed to dent my self-esteem. I can't help wondering how my DD will cope over the years, particularly when it comes to having children.

Does anyone here have a MIL with anorexic tendencies? Am I being unreasonable to worry about it?

OP posts:

TheFuckingDogs · 26/01/2020 13:16

Sounds like your daughter is coping brilliantly with this! The MIL has a problem not your daughter. Take her lead.
One of my in laws a is a fat hater - it’s so weird but I just ignore it

DingDongDenny · 26/01/2020 13:17

It sounds like your daughter has a really great attitude and can brush her comments off, although it may grate over time

However, I'd be worried if she has kids that they will face the same comments and it may have a negative impact on them.

I think she needs called out on it

plunkplunkfizz · 26/01/2020 13:19

Your daughter seems to be coping well but I’d be very worried about grandchildren being exposed to her influence.

Bigmango · 26/01/2020 13:27

I’d point out the glaring inconsistencies between “never having to worry about me weight” and her clear obsession with fat and calories. In fact I would invite her to dinner and serve everything with a massive dollop of cream sauce and say “well with you not having to worry about your weight Janet, you can really dig in.”

Original poster

womaninblue · 26/01/2020 13:29

At the moment my DD doesn't have to encounter MIL very often, but I suspect that once there are grandchildren MIL may want more involvement. I can remember how pregnancy and baby weight affected my self-esteem and I worry for DD and for grandchildren exposed to her toxic views.

OP posts:

Savingshoes · 26/01/2020 13:34

I would worry about when your daughter has times of insecurity (such as just after birth etc) and of any future grandchild's body confidence when around someone like MIL.

Howcouldyoubelieveme · 26/01/2020 13:35

My mother is like this and is the root cause (I believe anyway) of my own Issues, anorexia and bulimia in my 20s, a tendency to binge eat now.

You and your daughter sound like you’ve got an amazing attitude/outlook. I guess all you can do is encourage this positivity in your daughter and watch out for any signs it might be affecting her.

I have 2 dds now and despite many harsh conversations about the kind of comments you mention above and my mums strange ways with food I’ve come to the conclusion that I can’t change her but have to be extra vigilant that my daughters aren’t affected by her.

littleyikes · 26/01/2020 13:39

My MIL is like this, she thinks "fat people have lower IQs" (she's one of the least intelligent people I know.) I don't deal well with it, especially after having children, I'm a size 12-14 btw. It sounds like your DD deals well with it.

My absolute boundary where I will enforce NC is if I hear any of her disgusting opinions uttered in front of my DC. I'm not having them develop a terrible relationship with food because of her.

Please don't let the comments get to you, I know it's hard, but her opinions really do not matter, it seems such a sad life to be that obsessed with calories and weight.

Elle7rose · 26/01/2020 13:45

I think it's reasonable to worried about this. Whilst your daughter has a great attitude towards her MIL and seems to take it in her stride, I would be more concerned about any future joint grandchildren- surely if your daughter has a DD, MIL might make remarks about the granddaughter's size and appetite?

My Gran was no model but always weighed under 8 stone and used to comment on my size (normal weight) and appetite from when I was about 6 years old- it did affect my confidence and I've struggled with Body Dysmorphic Disorder and disordered eating through the years.

BackToBackTheyFaced · 26/01/2020 13:46

I said YABU because you’ve done what you can but fundamentally this is your DDs inlaws and not much to do with you. Your DD sounds like she’s got a good way of coping, she knows it’s batshit and she knows you’ve got her back. That’s all you can do. You can’t change this woman and would you seriously suggest your DD break up with her bf or not have kids because of this? As if not, she needs a plan and not worries.

Wotrewelookinat · 26/01/2020 13:47

My mother, while not anorexic, has food and weight hang ups...will say things like ‘I shouldn’t have eaten that cake, I didn’t deserve it’, and comment on how much weight she’s put in despite being skinny, etc. When my 3 daughters were little, but old enough to understand what she was saying, I told her that we wouldn’t be discussing that kind of thing in front of them. Your daughter will need to be firm with her MIL to protect her children from this damaging, distorted thinking,

thelongdarkteatimeofthesoul · 26/01/2020 13:48

My mother has similar tendencies, though she's one of those people who are always very vocally on a diet and very keen to comment on everyone else's weight and food choices (to be more accurate that of women and children) but she's not actually especially thin herself... She is a competitive undereater in public but the kind of person who shames other women for ordering chips or desert but then expects to be able to stick her cutlery into their food for "tastes" or shares...

Nobody is allowed to make any link between her constant drip of comments and restrictions as we grew up and the fact that two of her daughter's had serious eating disorders as teenagers (one institutionalised for a while). The family line is that she has a heart of gold, just wants everyone to be happy, and saying anything which might rock her view of herself as being an innocent victim who heroically withstood the ordeal of two of her children completely randomly suffering eating disorders is unkind which is not allowed...

I've never left my own children with her unattended, she isn't a bad person but she can't help herself and I will not let her damage them psychologically.

You may be right to be worried but your daughter is robust by the sound of it. Future grandchildren might need protection but hopefully your daughter is up to the task...

OneHanded · 26/01/2020 14:11

Her being anoretic isn’t a problem. Her being a cunt is.

WorraLiberty · 26/01/2020 14:18

Has she been diagnosed with anorexia or have you made up your mind that's what she has?

If it's the former, could you suggest your daughter's DP has a word with her to see if she's still getting the help she needs?

EnidBlyton · 26/01/2020 14:25

I also would worry about the grandchildren and her attitude. Other than that, be guided by your daughter.

EnidBlyton · 26/01/2020 14:26

She was a model after all. That must have left its mark on her.

Bluerussian · 26/01/2020 14:29

It's nothing for you to worry about, the woman is what she is. It wouldn't hurt for someone close to her to tell her to shut up, she's being boring. Many people don't have much level of self awareness and sometimes need to have things brought home to them.

At the end of the day you aren't going to be living with her so why worry.

KatherineJaneway · 26/01/2020 14:35

Sounds like your daughter has the measure of MIL. Also sounds like she handles her well.

sonjadog · 26/01/2020 14:37

I think you leave it up to your daughter and SiL to deal with this one. There is nothing you can do about it.

ImNotACuntYoureACunt · 26/01/2020 14:37

Luckily your daughter sounds like she’s managing her MIL very well and also her partner seems to be aware of his mother’s awful attitude which is a positive in that he and your daughter hopefully won’t butt heads about the shit she comes out with.

My exMIL is obsessed with diets, her weight, other people’s weight and looks and has a terrible attitude to all of it. Luckily I haven’t seen her in several years but unfortunately my children have to deal with her still. She’s completely alienated them and this is partly down to her shitty attitude to people she seems to be fat and/or ugly and old looking. Thank god my kids think the stuff she says is horrible and don’t agree with her. The weird thing? She’s not slim herself and is actually about a size 16 and has been for decades her diets don’t work presumably because she doesn’t stick to them but still she’s fucking horrible to and about people who are slimmer than she is and says they should “tone up/lose weight/their poor husband having to be seen out with her looking like that” I got this treatment a lot. Took years to stop being upset by it.

so to sum up, I think as long as your daughter doesn’t take this boring woman’s comments to heart and treats it all as the boring musings of someone who’s got nothing interesting to say your daughter will be fine.

ooooohbetty · 26/01/2020 14:49

She's really rude and nasty and I'd have said something about that never mind her anorexia.

Bogoffrain · 26/01/2020 14:55

I’d be very concerned about any future granddaughters. Yes I know it concerns boys too but I do feel that girls are judged more on their weight than boys.

Merryoldgoat · 26/01/2020 15:03

I think stuff like this is not considered enough before getting involved with people. I absolutely would not be involved with someone whose parents were so dysfunctional. Because you can only manage it whilst you’re there.

What is they have kids and then split? She’ll have zero control over the visits during her ex’s contact time.

Sounds melodramatic until you read the shit all over these boards.

Orangeblossom78 · 26/01/2020 15:08

You may well find she turns into a feeder with the grandchildren, we get this. It is good your daughter has you and her partner for support. When / if she has DC maybe need to think about boundaries or limiting contact with the MiL... we have it too with the in laws but find they more turn to feeding them

Orangeblossom78 · 26/01/2020 15:15

I'm already wary of her and the way she's managed to dent my self-esteem. I can't help wondering how my DD will cope over the years

Try and remember it is about them having low self esteem and needing to boost it with these comments etc, it is sad just seeing themselves as worthy through their weight etc. Maybe re-framing it like this might help a bit. I feel sorry for them to be honest. Or think up some good come backs. Like your daughter I mention how lovely the food is etc and eat with relish, this seems to work quite well.

Flip

1 2 3