AIBU to worry about my daughter's anorexic MiL?

[womaninblue]

My DD and her partner have been living together for a couple of years now and are talking of marrying and having children. I've met the in-laws a couple of times (they live a three-hour drive away) and on each occasion the BF's mother has talked rather obsessively and negatively about weight and looks. MIL is 5'11", very beautiful, whippet-thin and was a model in the 1980s until she married well and gave up work. In my family we're shorter and more shapely. My daughter is 5'6" and a curvy size 12 with breasts and hips and a waist. She plays a lot of tennis and runs, so she's fit and healthy, and of course she's beautiful (I'm her mum) but she'll never be a catwalk model.

The very first time I met MIL we went out to dinner and it was noticeable that she hardly ate anything. She also passed little comments about what I and my daughter were eating ('I can't remember the time I ate a cream sauce', 'You're not planning to eat all those potatoes, surely' etc). She asked if all my family were heavy and said that she was so lucky never to have to worry about her weight, while looking pointedly at my daughter. At one point during the evening someone showed photos from a wedding they'd attended and potential MIL sighed and said of the bride, 'She has a lovely face, even if she is obese.' Her son took the photo out of her hand and told her to stop it. The bride in the photo didn't look obese to me.

The second time we met we were all away for a weekend event and she made excuses to miss meals –headache, not feeling well. It was clear that her husband and son are used to this. When she did appear after breakfast one morning she commented on my make-up (I don't wear much) and told me how contouring could make me look less round-faced. Later that day, when we were having tea and cake and my daughter helped herself to a slice, she said 'Chloe, are you really sure you need the calories?' My daughter said yes and ate it with relish.

My daughter and I have talked about it and my daughter just laughs it off and says that everyone knows MIL is obsessed with food and weight and they all ignore it and I should too. But I've only met the woman twice and I'm already wary of her and the way she's managed to dent my self-esteem. I can't help wondering how my DD will cope over the years, particularly when it comes to having children.

Does anyone here have a MIL with anorexic tendencies? Am I being unreasonable to worry about it?

My MIL is a bit like this, not quite as bad, but she's pretty fat-phobic. Not everyone will be hurt by someone like that - if your daughter's ignoring her, she's ignoring her and it's fine. SIL has totally survived MIL being ridiculous about her lovely, healthy size 10-12 figure. MIL has never targeted me per se - she's commented if she thinks I've lost weight (in general I don't try to and I'm not aware of my weight particularly) which might be supposed to be pointed, and she obsesses about people's carb intake, which we tell her not to do in front of the kids.

But basically it is possible to ignore these people. If my MIL were to comment on me putting on weight (which I have in recent years) I'd probably just shrug and tell her it's middle age, it's gonna happen as far as I'm concerned. Your daughter can reply similar if MIL makes any 'post baby' comments.

I am slightly dreading if DD ends up not being stick thin (there's a variety of body types she might inherit) because she is MIL's 'favourite', but luckily DD already knows her grandmother is ridiculous about this stuff.

I think you need to take a measured approach. Yes, mil is rude with her comments but you can't "catch" anorexia as such.

There is so much focus these days on women's appearances- frequently in the press, all over social media and the weight loss industry is huge.
Weigh that against mil's scattered comments and it really puts them in perspective.

It sounds as though your dd and her partner can see mil's issues for what they are and not give them validity. She appears to have huge psychological issues and should be pitied.

Therefore I expect they would protect their dc sufficiently from negative comments or call her out on them.

Of course you worry as a mum but don't make this a bigger issue than it is.

Your daughter should be very careful if she has children - my MIL is like this, and is the root cause of my daughter’s eating disorder

I think your DD is handling it brilliantly.

If she does have children you will need to emphasise that all women's bodies change during pregnancy and after birth and help your DD see this as a positive to outweigh the negatives the MIL will spout.

Be very wary if your DD has children. I suspect the MIL will try to feed boys (to the point where they eat to please) and make negative comments to girls who she considers imperfect physically.

Lots of people are fat phobics it is pathetic.
My big fat uncle constantly comments on large women with venom, He obviously doesn't look in the mirror.
Your DD is right to ignore her, though it is an illness, image having to plan a weekend away thinking of how she can avoid eating, she is clearly obsessed.

My MIL is like this and I have admit, there were times over the years when she made me feel a bit bad - when I had tiny children and was vulnerable. But all in all I have been able to brush it off, as your daughter does, as everyone in the family knows she has food issues. Plus I am fit and love exercise, so that has always helped me be positive - I think she got to me when the children were small because it was harder to exercise.

Anyway, fast forward and years of restrictive diets and no exercise means MIL has terrible osteopororis and is like a gaunt, hunched skeleton, old before her time. So it is pretty easy to ignore her nasty remarks about fat people and how much I eat. A life of constant dieting is not good for anyone and is pretty tragic, really.

Thanks for the reassuring words from those who have someone like this in their lives. I'm fairly robust in both body (I'm a 14 occasional 16) and mind (I hope) but the constant digs on that weekend away did leave me feeling that I didn't want anything to do with the woman.

There's nothing I can do or say about the situation. Obviously I'll be as positive as I can and will support my daughter fully. And we'll just have to avoid her as far as possible.

WimpeySpread what makes your mil responsible for your dd's anorexia? Does she make similar comments about food or other people's figures to the mil in the OP or is there more to it?

How do you think OP could be very careful with grandchildren? I'm interested because my mum can be very appearance and weight focused.

I hope your daughter is recovering

My DD doesn't have anorexia. I suspect future MIL has anorexia or something close to it. I'm not concerned DD will become anorexic but I'm concerned that her sense of body confidence and self-esteem will be knocked by MIL's constant sniping and that any granddaughters will be affected too.

Sorry, I see that was addressed to someone else!

I don't think it's particularly fair to armchair diagnose her as anorexic. It's a serious mental illness and if she suffers from it she needs support rather than criticism.

By all means, be robust in your response if she comments on your food/weight and discuss that issue with your daughter if you wish.

That's ok womaninblue I was just interested in Wimpeyspread's thoughts after reading her post;
"My mil is the root cause of my daughter's eating disorder".

Back on the topic of your own mil, you're probably right that she suffers with some degree of anorexia. It's possible to exist as a functioning anorexic for decades. Anorexia is definitely not just the usual picture we imagine of young women starving themselves until hospitalised.

My DD doesn't have anorexia. I suspect future MIL has anorexia or something close to it.

And yet your thread title says she is anorexic?

There's a generation of women who set great store by being thin, or "trim" as my friend who is this way inclined says. She would have been genuinely horrified if her daughter was fat / got fat. She does eat fairly normally though!

I have to be honest I am a fat hater.. i believe if there is no health conditions there is no excuse to be obese I believe people with obese children and no health conditions should stand child abuse charges and obese people with no heath conditions should be limited on food and it should absolutely not be a disability but i really mean obese people size 12 is not fat it is healthy! Infact not even close to fat! Not even over weight A12 is a perfectly good size Your daughter is right I think the mil have a serious eating disorder and she is massively over taken by constant food/weight worries it's sad that her life revolves around this but it is an illness and I can assure you she's feels much worse about herself than she has made you feel just ignore her let her live consumed by her eating disorder and Allow your ( no where near fat ) beautiful and heathy daughter deal with her ..
More cake for you two!

I would say MIL was in the fat phobic club. I was never thin enough even though, even though part of my shape was my skeleton. She seemed to think I basically should eat nothing. ‘Are you sure you want lunch/breakfast/dinner, you ate yesterday’.
She was obsessed that thinness was a sign of health. She couldn’t walk a mile but she would comment at people at the olympics saying she was ‘fitter than them’.
She was another one who ruined her health with these obsessions. When her muscle started wasting away she seemed pleased at how thin she was.
Your DD has a good attitude. I’d only be worried if there was female GC

I think the fact that her own son told her to stop it (shut up) says it all. Your DD will be fine as her BF is not into it at all.

It's likely that she has a fear of food?

Your daughter seems to be ok. Don’t let her dent your self esteem
And the reason your daughter is ok, will be because of how you’ve brought her up. She can see it’s ridiculous

Let’s hope the future DH doesn’t deep down feel the same way as his mother. It can happen. All is well when you’re young and thin. When you’re 2 kids in and a size 16 things might become different.

On an aside, I went for lunch with my friend and her mother and her mother had cut out diets from all the papers to show her at lunch and made endless comments. I was actually a bit my mum wouldn’t dream of doing that. And I’m fat!

My sister is like this.

It grated on me for years but I ignored it.

Her older teen is horrifically thin and probably anorexic.

When my neice started telling my DD2 that she should lose weight, I stopped all contact with my DSis and her family. We have enough challenges in our lives and don't need that toxic shit.

I would worry about the MIL being around her DGCs (assuming she has some) enough that they started to see her attitude as normal. I would also encourage my DD to tell her to mind her own business.

YANBU to be concerned, but it sounds like your daughter has things in hand. I would (gently) say be careful not to introduce your own issues on top of everything - pregnancy doesn't have to negatively impact on body image, and a few comments from a clearly deluded individual should be brushed off if possible, not taken to heart.

The issue here isn't that she is anorexic (though she may be). Many anorexic love feeding others and have a very healthy perspective on other people's bodies. They also usually don't comment on other people's eating habits because they know how hurtful it is when people comment on theirs.
The problem is that your DDs MIL is being unkind and controlling about other people's food as well as her own.
And yes, family influences like this while growing up can be a causal factor for developing an eating disorder.

Argh I can see all the views here. At least it's out in the open and everyone can see MIL has a problem, so that should help your DD cope because it's common knowledge she's unwell. I like that her partner has boundaries i.e. removing the picture from her. If your DD can keep her resolve to let it bounce off her then you/she might actually find the opposite- namely that watching MILs obsession, her hidden sadness, the missed family time, is actually just really sad for MIL and would deter your DD from becoming food obsessed.

While I do think MIL has made some rude and unkind comments to you all, when you are that entrenched in an ED the way she is thinking is to be expected. It's a sign of the illness and it's horrible because it does completely skew your view on life. To cope, I'd recommend trying to take everything with a huge pinch of salt and remember the torture she will be putting herself through internally. Like if you had a relative with psychosis and a delusion they used to be in the army (an example), when they talked about their army days you might just respond quite neutrally and try to gently shut it down and move on "yes I have heard the story about when you were in France. Would you like a cup of tea?". I'd recommend the same with MIL. "That's a shame, the sauce is delicious." and just don't buy in to her skewed view of the world.

It's not possible for your MIL to make your DD anorexic by being around her. MIL will be thinking her thinness is her only value to herself and the world, you and your DD have the opportunity to be living examples of vibrant, happy, fun loving women with hobbies and self esteem that are so much more than your body shape!!

Sorry for the long response, I'm coming out the other side of life long anorexia myself so I have lots to say on the matter!

Forgot to say though, by the time grandchildren are involved I would think it VERY reasonable (and necessary) for DD and SIL to refuse to allow her negative talk and diet speak around children. Some damage could easily be done there, although your DD sounds like a brilliant role model for any future children!

SmileyClaire. It’s not anorexia, but it is a difficult relationship with food, exacerbated by other medical issues - she is much better than she was. My MIL constantly singled her out (she is one of 4) eg offering a choice of yoghurts to them, then calling her greedy in front of the others for picking one of the larger pots, offering everyone seconds but her, etc. The feelings of shame are still with her 30 years later. She got inside my head so much I took her to the HV to be weighed, who said she was a perfectly normal weight. It’s extremely damaging for young children