AIBU to worry about my daughter's anorexic MiL?

[womaninblue]

My DD and her partner have been living together for a couple of years now and are talking of marrying and having children. I've met the in-laws a couple of times (they live a three-hour drive away) and on each occasion the BF's mother has talked rather obsessively and negatively about weight and looks. MIL is 5'11", very beautiful, whippet-thin and was a model in the 1980s until she married well and gave up work. In my family we're shorter and more shapely. My daughter is 5'6" and a curvy size 12 with breasts and hips and a waist. She plays a lot of tennis and runs, so she's fit and healthy, and of course she's beautiful (I'm her mum) but she'll never be a catwalk model.

The very first time I met MIL we went out to dinner and it was noticeable that she hardly ate anything. She also passed little comments about what I and my daughter were eating ('I can't remember the time I ate a cream sauce', 'You're not planning to eat all those potatoes, surely' etc). She asked if all my family were heavy and said that she was so lucky never to have to worry about her weight, while looking pointedly at my daughter. At one point during the evening someone showed photos from a wedding they'd attended and potential MIL sighed and said of the bride, 'She has a lovely face, even if she is obese.' Her son took the photo out of her hand and told her to stop it. The bride in the photo didn't look obese to me.

The second time we met we were all away for a weekend event and she made excuses to miss meals –headache, not feeling well. It was clear that her husband and son are used to this. When she did appear after breakfast one morning she commented on my make-up (I don't wear much) and told me how contouring could make me look less round-faced. Later that day, when we were having tea and cake and my daughter helped herself to a slice, she said 'Chloe, are you really sure you need the calories?' My daughter said yes and ate it with relish.

My daughter and I have talked about it and my daughter just laughs it off and says that everyone knows MIL is obsessed with food and weight and they all ignore it and I should too. But I've only met the woman twice and I'm already wary of her and the way she's managed to dent my self-esteem. I can't help wondering how my DD will cope over the years, particularly when it comes to having children.

Does anyone here have a MIL with anorexic tendencies? Am I being unreasonable to worry about it?

Thanks WimpeySpread Yes I can see how continual negative comments like that could affect your daughter. On their own those comments don't appear too damaging but I suppose it's a drip drip effect that made your mil's weird attitude to weight normal to dd?

I think a lot of (mainly) women have some sort of disordered eating. I know I do, perhaps as a result of my mum being continually on a diet and very appearance focused. I could never tell her I blame her for my difficult relationship with food, she'd probably be mortified.

My MIL is like this in many ways. I have sometimes found it hard - she was obsessed with how much weight I 'needed' to lose before my wedding - but I can now, mostly, see it as sad for her that she is ill. She is lovely in other ways, though, and it's very clear that her weight issues are an illness, which makes a big difference. She is a genuinely kind person but is so messed up about food and weight that she can't see that she's being nasty. Both DH and FIL also make it clear when she's crossed a line with comments to me. I think without those things - otherwise nice, family who will tell her to stop - I would find it unbearable.

My MIL is a uk4. I've known her almost 20 years and whilst she'll cook for others, She will not eat herself. However, she has always drunk wine by the tumbler. Her stomach is ALWAYS growling. The first time she came to stay at ours she brought a bag of salad with her and her own bottle of wine (we deliberately didn't by her any as she's an alcoholic and we felt unc9mfortable enabling it). Put the kids to bed, came down and she was she with her bag of salad and her usual tall glass of wine but her stomachs was growling away, so I quickly.said "we've made dinner, would you like some now?" And she replied laughing "Oh, no! I have this!" pointing to the bag of leaves. Queue her stomach loudly rumbling again to which I said "...are you sure? There's plenty?" And she laughed again, pointed to her bottle of wine and said "Oh I never eat, I need to save room for my wine!'

And she literally does just that. We've only ever seen her eat salad and drink her precious wine.

I would also have concerns about future GDC being exposed to her attitude towards food, it could potentially damage their self-esteem. My DM made lots of negative comments about my weight growing up and I've been a yo-yo dieter ever since. I used to be obsessed myself, but I've been very careful in front of my DDs not to talk about weight and dieting. And they're both slim and healthy and great at gymnastics. (Although I do think DD1 (10) is too thin and I keep an eye on it without mentioning it.)

It sounds as if your DD will be able to handle her MIL, she sounds like she has a great attitude and would be able to cope with negative comments about her MIL.

For the moment, I think it would be best to follow your DD's lead and let it all wash over you. Your DD's MIL is clearly not well, but it's not your place to get involved.

Her rudeness towards you has nothing to do with any potential eating disorder.
On the other hand, you don’t know this woman you’ve met her twice. Maybe try to build a relationship with her. She may be in your life for a long time. Get to know her, question her negative remarks towards yourself and your daughter but try to show some compassion.

she is so messed up about weight and food she can't see she's being nasty
I agree, my mum is like this and her own mum had some form of anorexia and died young (40) although not much was known about it then. It was definitely "passed on" to my mum.

I remember my mum watching me play netball when I was about 12 and I thought I'd played really well. Afterwards she said My thighs were getting big and she was going to stop me having any second helpings.
..cue an obsession with my legs and worrying about my weight!
I don't suppose dm thought she'd said anything hurtful.

Comments can stay with you, and I think young teens are particularly vulnerable as it's a time of insecurity and figuring out your own self image.

My MIL talks openly about how she 'used to have' anorexia, but she never had any sort of treatment, so what I think she means is that she is no longer dangerously underweight (though she is underweight and it's causing more problems as she ages, as she very proudly announces the GP has told her - she sees being told that she's too thin as a real mark of success ).

These forever-dieting, self- denying women usually end up with saggy skin, shit hair and brittle bones in later life. Her problem. Lettuce freak.

These forever-dieting, self- denying women usually end up with saggy skin, shit hair and brittle bones in later life. Her problem. Lettuce freak.

This is an appalling comment on a thread where people are talking about personal experiences of mental illness.

Jesus Christ,she sounds ghastly!

Say something back. People like this get away with their little jibes because no one calls them on it. Say something like “maybe you should eat something, I’ve seen more meat on a used toothpick” or “it must be very depressing to count each calorie you and everyone else is eating” or “my man likes something to grab hold of”.

My partner's mother is like this. I have absolutely no contact with her or his sister, they are horrible, judgemental, shallow individuals. Completely obsessed with their weight and looks, if it's not that it's how people are dressed or what their homes look like, what car they drive etc! As a result my partner is extremely insecure about his weight/looks and judges success in life by how much money he has or what car he drives instead of how happy he is in his life.

I think it depends on personality. I grew up with a father who was a bit obsessed with weight. I don’t have issues with eating/my weight but I don’t delude myself into thinking everything is fine when I am a bit overweight. I accept it, loose the weight and carry on. Sometimes it’s good having someone to remind you about these things, it’s better than being around people who normalise being overweight at any rate. You DD sounds sensible and not particularly concerned about being thin so I’m sure she’ll be fine.

Wow, your DD’s MIL could be my MIL! Always with the pointed comments, ‘You’re not going to eat all of that are you, pinktornado?’ Yes. Yes I am. ‘I’m sure pinktornado just wants a small piece of cake.’ No I bleeding don’t! I’m a breastfeeding mum and a size 10 but even if I wasn’t, butt out!
My DH has turned out ok but his 2 sisters definitely have some food issues (unsurprisingly). It makes me glad our DS is a boy and not a girl tbh. I can ignore it but I can imagine going ballistic if the comments were aimed at my child.

LisaSimpsonsbff she doesn’t sound anorexic to me, just someone who is forever on a diet. Know the difference?

OP what is your daughter's partners attitude towards his mother's obsession and the barbed comments makes about others eating choices?
Does he stand up for your daughter? Does his father say anything when she makes these remarks?

What’s your DD’s BF like? You say he told her to stop it so he is obviously aware of her behaviour and issues around food/weight. I’m guessing if her views haven’t negatively impacted on him that the chances of a grandchild who has two resilient and relaxed parents are negligible.

We're all a little bit fucked up.

She might be stick thin and glamorous but she is also vacuous and toxic.

All you do is guide your dd and if she has kids she should call out with a "please can we stop discussing food around the children. I dont want them to grow up with a unhealthy obsession over every item they eat" or "I dont want you to instill in my kids that anyone needs to think about food 24/7 because that is how anorexia can creep in and I dont want my children to have a warped bady imagine hang up. You shrivelled up prune"

My son is obsessed with weight. He is 5,8 and has a 26 " waist. He thinks everyone is morbidly obese. I have no idea why but hes been like it since he could talk. I'm fat so it's from me but it is scary just how society views on being stick thin creep in, without toxic GP on the scenes

Come on kalifa You can't call anyone with food issues; whether that's a phobia, a mental hang up or full blown anorexia a Freak. That sort of attitude is from the dark ages. It's pretty ignorant.

It does sound as though the family in the OP have a reasonably sensible attitude to the mother's food/diet issues. They're shutting down her comments and have a grasp that her views aren't normal or healthy . It's difficult but I don't agree that "calling her out" every time would be helpful.

I'm inclined to agree, @SmileyClare as it doesn't sound as if the MIL is being taken seriously. Both parents seem clued up, and if the parents are concerned about the impact MIL might have, it's in their hands not to allow the MIL to have unsupervised contact with her DGC.

Anyway, there isn't any way of knowing whether the OP and her DP even want to be parents so there's no point even worrying about it. They might not even stay together long-term.

she doesn’t sound anorexic to me, just someone who is forever on a diet. Know the difference?
Really. Someone who is forever on a diet has fluctuating weight gain and loss.
She sounds to me like she controls her food as she may not have control in other areas of her life. Wait a minute Oh yes isn't that how anorexia starts. It is an MH self control issue nothing to do with being skinny.
Most anorexia hide their thinness under baggy outfits.

This is a time when the old cliche applies, that its might never happen'. There's no point worrying about something when it might not happen and it isn't actually the OP's problem to deal with anyway.

Oh dear, predictive text again. I mean, the old cliche 'it might never happen'.

2020Better, it's interesting you ask that. The BF has spent quite a lot of time with our family – far more than DD has with his – and has always been diplomatic about his mum around me. Before DD was introduced to MIL her BF told her that his mother was weird around food and would tell her she was fat and that DD was to ignore it. DD says she just lets the comments wash over her and she and BF try to laugh about it.

DD says that BF and his mum aren't close and she wasn't always around during his childhood and was sometimes depressed. BF is polite and respectful around his mum and so is the father from what I've seen, but there have been a couple of times when they have both been clearly irritated by her comments and the incident with the wedding photo was quite telling. I was troubled by it at the time. Yes, she was being horrible but as a woman of a similar age I didn't particularly like seeing her told to be quiet by her son. I think he did it for the right reasons but it was uncomfortable.