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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can't stand friends partner

60 replies

beckywiththeshithair21 · 26/01/2020 08:27

I cannot bear my best friends partner. He is an absolute jerk.

He's a known conman who rarely does an honest days work but likes to flaunt his fancy holidays, clothes and cars that he's bought with his ill gotten gains. Drug dealing, gambling, unpaid debts and so on. Friend knows but doesn't work and is financially dependent on him so has to go along with it.

He's rude, aggressive and abusive in the way he speaks her and her 3 kids from previous relationship. He doesn't care whose around, he will talk to them all like shit and unnecessarily discipline them all over petty things.

He controls her financially and emotionally. Gets really annoyed even if she just goes out for a coffee with me. He tries to isolate her and it's worked as many of our mutual friends have stopped bothering inviting her to things.

She is currently pregnant with his twins - that will make 5 kids age 9 and under. I know she isn't happy with him but I feel like she's staying because she needs support even though he barely gives her any. And because she thinks nobody else will want her with 5 kids. I help her out with the kids especially the middle two who are similar ages to my dc. But last week they came for a play date and when they were slightly late going home (never been a problem before) the boyfriend came round and started kicking off. This has made me feel like I will struggle to even be civil to him going forward which I've always made an effort to do in the past for my friend.

I know people will say that it's her choice and her life and nothing to do with me. Which I know. But it's very hard to see someone you care about be treated so badly and from my own point of view I can't stand to be around the prick so it'll prevent me going to her house and since she's barely allowed out it's going to impact our friendship and her support network which I don't want either. Wwyd?

OP posts:
misspiggy19 · 26/01/2020 08:29

I wouldn’t have much sympathy for her. She knew exactly what she was getting into.

Original poster
beckywiththeshithair21 · 26/01/2020 08:33

@misspiggy19 yep I have to wonder why she got herself involved with him in the first place but I think he can turn the charm on when he wants. He's far from charming now though and I think she feels like due to her situation she's stuck with him.

OP posts:
CallmeAngelina · 26/01/2020 08:38

I don't think you can fight this one. She has made her choice for now, and is clearly nowhere near being ready to ditch him.
All you can do is to remain her friend behind the scenes, and provide her with support and a safe place when she needs it.
Bide your time.

puds11 · 26/01/2020 08:39

Nice @misspiggy19. No sympathy for a woman in an abusive relationship. Wish I was friends with you Hmm

Barbararara · 26/01/2020 08:46

I think you’re doing very well to have stuck with her this far. Men like this gain power by isolating their victims and cutting them off from every avenue of support. Classic abuser tactics.

It sounds from the reasons you’ve given, that you’ve discussed the idea of leaving him. Is it something that she is thinking about herself, or was it something you suggested and she batted away?

It is an enormous thing to leave, and takes on average 7 attempts - some manage it in less, some far more, and some are murdered in the attempt. For many women the failed attempts lose them support each time, whittling away their meagre networks.

It’s easy to dismiss this as “her choice” but it’s actually the complicated outcome of an original poor choice. Every step of this relationship has likely eroded her sense of self, her identity, power and available choices. It’s easy to think she should just leave, but he sounds horrific. He doesn’t even keep his abuse out of sight because he doesn’t have to care. Presumably he’s involved with other nasty people through his “work”. She’s in too deep and probably knows at some level that leaving him is deeply risky.

If you really can’t maintain the friendship, let her know that you’ll still be there for her if she needs your help in the future.

AgentPrentiss · 26/01/2020 08:47

I wouldn’t have much sympathy for her. She knew exactly what she was getting into.

Oh yeah, you’re completely right. All these totally stupid women who wake up in the morning and think “I’m off to find a relationship to be abused in today! Fun!”

Aren’t you clever that you’ve never fallen victim to domestic abuse? Your medal is in the mail.

Asshole.

needanewnamechange · 26/01/2020 08:49

That's what people like him do alienate everyone so she relies on him only .
I suppose you can just be there for her . Tell her you dislike him but if she wants to talk that's fine . Be careful though because if she knows that you hate him she won't open up to you .
I despise people like him , I feel sorry for her getting herself in a situation with him especially now she's pregnant.

Lemonlimesoda · 26/01/2020 08:50

She is trapped in an abusive relationship and as you’ve mentioned he has successfully isolated her from many of her friends and is now trying to do the same with you. You obviously must protect yourself and your own family but if you can remain a friend I think it will be invaluable to this lady who may one day see for herself what’s going on. Try be there for her if you can.

AufderAutobahn · 26/01/2020 08:50

@misspiggy19 No, not necessarily. Abusive relationships usually start with the man being all charm and loveliness. It's only when the relationship is more established that their real selves emerge, and often by then it's far harder for the woman to leave. This man is clearly very good at lying, she's obviously just another person he cruelly conned.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 26/01/2020 08:53

It’s so frustrating, but if you cut her off, that’ll be exactly what he wants.

BobbyBlueCat · 26/01/2020 08:55

@beckywiththeshithair21 make an anonymous report about his drug dealing. As much info as possible but even just his name, address and what he deals is a start.
Police need several seperate bits of intelligence before they can act so yours might be the final one they need to start an op / get a warrant etc.

Every time you know a new thing about it, make a new report.

Report him to HMRC for cash in hand work.

It's not the nicest way to deal with it, but it'll get him out the way for a bit to hopefully make her see sense and protect her bloody children.

Original poster
beckywiththeshithair21 · 26/01/2020 08:55

I certainly wouldn't cut her off. She is a great friend. I just find it hard to be around him. I think before she got pregnant there was hope she would wake up and leave but now she will stuck with him on some level even if they do split up.

OP posts:
puds11 · 26/01/2020 08:58

@beckywiththeshithair21 not if she can find the strength to report him.

Savingshoes · 26/01/2020 09:05

Aren't you worried your children will be influenced/affected by his behaviour?

lyingwanker · 26/01/2020 09:12

It's really hard for everyone but I'm in your friends position and I know other women in similar positions too. She will know what he is but will have loads of reasons she feels she can't leave.

SandyY2K · 26/01/2020 09:16

This is another case where a woman can see she's with useless man, yet proceeds to procreate with him, tying herself to him for many years to come.

She'll soon be a single parent of 5 children.

He's known for dodgy dealings yet she isn't bothered. A good mother would not want or have her children around such a poor role model.

The bottom line is she has made a series of poor choices in her life and continues to do so.

I don't think I could be around her, because I would find it too difficult to watch her go through it, without saying something that she may find offensive.

I suspect her childhood and relationship experiences have a lot to do with what she thinks she can't do better than this.

Chamomileteaplease · 26/01/2020 09:40

The thing is she is knowingly making her children live with a man who abuses them and treats them cruelly. And is now about to bring two more into the mix.

While it is easy to feel sorry for women in abusive relationships I do think it is harder to have sympathy for those who make their children live that life too.

He's rude, aggressive and abusive in the way he speaks her and her 3 kids from previous relationship. He doesn't care whose around, he will talk to them all like shit and unnecessarily discipline them all over petty things

Nomorelaundry · 26/01/2020 09:50

Have you said to her that she is forcing her children to be abused and that she needs to leave? She risks having them removed.

Original poster
beckywiththeshithair21 · 26/01/2020 10:10

My children spend very little time around him. I wouldn't allow it. To them it's not obvious what a waste of space he is regarding the work/dodgy deals scenario but yes I don't like the way he speaks to her children and certainly wouldn't want mine exposed to it.

I don't know enough about his current dealings to report him and I'm not sure it's the right way forward. He's not a big time gangster or anything I would consider 'dangerous' - more of a wannabe who will do anything other than hard graft to earn a quick buck.

OP posts:
Original poster
beckywiththeshithair21 · 26/01/2020 10:11

And she insists her kids love him...

OP posts:
Nomorelaundry · 26/01/2020 10:15

Then she's an idiot and a terrible mother. Is there enough to call social services?

MyOwnSummer · 26/01/2020 10:31

I think @Barbararara has nailed it. If you care about her, don't let him win by isolating her!

PegHughes · 26/01/2020 10:42

She knew exactly what she was getting into.

Not necessarily. These men don't actually come labelled, Abusive twat do they?

redexpat · 26/01/2020 10:57

I was going to say SS as well.

I think if it was my friend I would be feeding her info, and helping practically. Get her a bank account in her sole name and have all statements turned off. Get her a payg phone. Keep her documents for her. Offer to keep an emergency bag at your house with essentials for when she actually leaves.

redexpat · 26/01/2020 10:59

Re SS. did you see him discipline the kids unnecessarily? Or was it something she told you?

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