Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can't stand friends partner

60 replies

beckywiththeshithair21 · 26/01/2020 08:27

I cannot bear my best friends partner. He is an absolute jerk.

He's a known conman who rarely does an honest days work but likes to flaunt his fancy holidays, clothes and cars that he's bought with his ill gotten gains. Drug dealing, gambling, unpaid debts and so on. Friend knows but doesn't work and is financially dependent on him so has to go along with it.

He's rude, aggressive and abusive in the way he speaks her and her 3 kids from previous relationship. He doesn't care whose around, he will talk to them all like shit and unnecessarily discipline them all over petty things.

He controls her financially and emotionally. Gets really annoyed even if she just goes out for a coffee with me. He tries to isolate her and it's worked as many of our mutual friends have stopped bothering inviting her to things.

She is currently pregnant with his twins - that will make 5 kids age 9 and under. I know she isn't happy with him but I feel like she's staying because she needs support even though he barely gives her any. And because she thinks nobody else will want her with 5 kids. I help her out with the kids especially the middle two who are similar ages to my dc. But last week they came for a play date and when they were slightly late going home (never been a problem before) the boyfriend came round and started kicking off. This has made me feel like I will struggle to even be civil to him going forward which I've always made an effort to do in the past for my friend.

I know people will say that it's her choice and her life and nothing to do with me. Which I know. But it's very hard to see someone you care about be treated so badly and from my own point of view I can't stand to be around the prick so it'll prevent me going to her house and since she's barely allowed out it's going to impact our friendship and her support network which I don't want either. Wwyd?

OP posts:
redexpat · 26/01/2020 11:01

Encourage her to give the kids her surname. Go with her to register the birth. She should think very carefully about whether to name him as the father.

Original poster
beckywiththeshithair21 · 26/01/2020 11:04

I've seen him tell the kids off over very silly things. I don't know if he's trying to assert his authority perhaps? He talks to them in an unpleasant tone but I certainly don't think it warrants ss intervention. He's an arse and she's made poor choices by being with him but she she's not a bad mother and doesn't deserve a friend ringing ss on her. I don't believe he's a risk to the kids he's just not very pleasant in his mannerisms.

OP posts:
AllergicToAMop · 26/01/2020 11:06

I think what @misspiggy19 was about was that he was known to be dodgy. So she knew he is dodgy.

Chocmallows · 26/01/2020 11:12

Meet her away from the house, taking kids to parks and softplay. Keep a door open as if things get worse she may really need to talk and this way you keep the friendship.

averythinline · 26/01/2020 11:26

You're now minimising things from your earlier posts as you don't want to see that your friend is not a good mum... it's hard because she is your friend but a good mum wouldn't keep her kids in that situation...or she just doesn't care and likes the holidays etc

If You're not prepared to get more involved maybe go with the doors always there for her n dc but meet elsewhere as protecting your dc from him... I guess she knows what you think of him....

Original poster
beckywiththeshithair21 · 26/01/2020 11:32

I'm not minimising things. The guy is an idiot with no morals but I don't think the level of his unpleasantness would be on the radar of ss. I do find it frustrating that she subjects her kids to him but I don't think they are being abused or mistreated by him. He's just not especially nice in the way he talks to them.

I do think he controls her but she's an adult capable of making her own choices. From my perspective I will try to avoid him as I can't trust myself not to tell him what I think of him after his latest outburst. And that would make things awkward for me and her.

OP posts:
AllergicToAMop · 26/01/2020 11:35

He's rude, aggressive and abusive in the way he speaks her and her 3 kids from previous relationship

He talks to them in an unpleasant tone but I certainly don't think it warrants ss intervention.

It's one or the other, OP

Boom45 · 26/01/2020 11:36

My friend is living with an absolute bell end. Not criminal and drugs but the smiley, nice-on-the-outside, middle class type abusive wanker. She knows, she's talked to us about it and told us that he's hit her. But she stays, hes the one who is living with her, in her ear all the time, gas lighting and manipulating her. Intellectually she knows what's going on but emotionally she's tied to him still.
I have faith she'll leave eventually and until then I have to bite my tongue and offer advice when she asks and play like it's a normal relationship when she doesn't. The alternative is abandoning her to him and that's exactly what he wants.
Shes an intelligent, financially independent women (although hes working on that). But she's made a catastrophic choice and it's really difficult to get out of now even for someone with all her advantages, that most women don't have.
Stick by your friend, it's hard but it's the only thing you can do right now to help.

Nomorelaundry · 26/01/2020 11:45

A good mother doesn't force her children to be abused by a drugs dealer.

Nomorelaundry · 26/01/2020 11:46

It's fine to stick by a friend when there are no children involved. The minute there are children suffering it stops being about the adults and starts being about what is best for them and what the adults choices are forcing them to experience.

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 26/01/2020 11:49

Just see her separately, be her friend and pick up the pieces when it goes wrong

dottiedodah · 26/01/2020 12:08

I think people saying she has got herself into this and have little sympathy are being quite judgmental and very unkind TBH. You sound like a very good friend to her .These people who think she should up and leave with 3 soon to be 5 children are being unrealistic .She probably feels she loves him on one level, and makes excuses for him .Many men seem to be caring and loving but as things wear on more and more of their original personality comes to the fore .Women do try to leave but things are often against them ,they have no money and often no way of working either .It makes it very hard for them ,they already feel they have little or no confidence .

PatellarTendonitis · 26/01/2020 12:14

You are enabling the abuse to continue by not reporting this situation to SS and this man for working cash in hand. Your friend is a fool. I'd find it very hard to stay with friends to anyone who does this to her kids and then brings more into it, tbh.

Nomorelaundry · 26/01/2020 12:20

And I don't think some people know what it's like to grow up with a mother who forces you to live in this situation and fails to protect you.

Original poster
beckywiththeshithair21 · 26/01/2020 12:21

I'm enabling the abuse?

Wow.

I actually can't get over the insanity of MN sometimes. Would people here honestly call ss on their best friend? And say what exactly....'My friends partner is strict with the kids and talks to them in a tone and manner I don't like'. I'm sure it would be taken really seriously. The cash in hand and dodgy dealings is none of my business. I don't approve of it and it irks when he rolls around in his flash car thinking he's someone important but really, what's that got to do with me?

I don't like the guy and deep down I believe she is unhappy but as many others have said, women don't go into these things knowingly and it can be very hard to leave. Such a huge lack of empathy from some posters here.

OP posts:
Kittykat93 · 26/01/2020 12:24

I do feel sorry for your friend op but jesus christ it makes me want to shake her. She's already got three kids, no job, no money and is now pregnant again with twins with someone who deals drugs and treats her kids like shit. I mean why oh why is she bringing more children into this?? It's a disaster situation.

PatellarTendonitis · 26/01/2020 12:24

I actually can't get over the insanity of MN sometimes. Would people here honestly call ss on their best friend?

Yes. You're backtracking and minimising. Said he is financially abusing her, which means he's leaving her kids short, too. She subjects her kids to this man and brings more kids into it.

Nomorelaundry · 26/01/2020 12:24

You said he deals drugs. Do you know what types of people will be in and out of that house. Around those children?

I don't blame you. As you say you're powerless and without concrete info you can't help.

But your friend is not a good mother.

notanotherjigsawpiece · 26/01/2020 12:36

Her poor kids Sad. Unfortunately the only person who can change this is her. I think all you can do is be there for her when things fall apart.

LisBethSalander07 · 26/01/2020 12:38

She may be a good friend OP but she's making some very shit lifestyle choices and inflicting them on her kids.

I don't think it's easy to understand the mindset of someone in a bad relationship, but all you can do is keep the door of friendship open and be there for when the shit hits the fan as it inevitably will. It's perfectly ok to have your own boundaries as to how much of this affects you.

AllergicToAMop · 26/01/2020 12:49

I actually can't get over the insanity of MN sometimes. Would people here honestly call ss on their best friend? And say what exactly....'My friends partner is strict with the kids and talks to them in a tone and manner I don't like'.

Read your OP again. YOU said he was abusive and aggressive. I am with Pat and Nomo here...
And yes. If my best friend was letting her partner abuse the children I would call SS. Because it is not about the friend at that point. It's about the children.

Rubyupbeat · 26/01/2020 12:50

@misspiggy19 that is truly harsh!
Men like that work women very cleverly no woman would ever a relationship that would obviously abusive.
My best friend was in a terrible relationship, I watched her going from a professional sports woman to a wreck who never went out and (after the break up) was beaten and raped regularly.
He drove everyone away, except us, me and DJ, we knew he totally disliked us and was abusive to her, although we never knew about the physical and sexual abuse. We would regularly go round, help her out, she then had a baby and that what gave her the strength to leave, but the main point t to this, is, she always says, if it wasn't for us being in her life, knowing she was lo ed and not judged, she doubts she would be here now.
Thats how these evil c**its work, drive everyone away, for total control.

Rubyupbeat · 26/01/2020 12:51

I mean we found out after the break up she was also beaten and raped.

Rubyupbeat · 26/01/2020 12:51

Dh

Thestrangestthing · 26/01/2020 12:51

Is the children's father/ fathers around?

You could report to ss and the police, they might check up, but the will do fuck all else, because they can't. The only thing they will do anything about is the drug dealing (which you probably don't have proof of anyway and they probably already know of him, it's rare that someone is regularly dealing and go unnoticed). Even then, if they do anything, they will come and raid the house. No matter who is there. This used to happen to my dp regularly as a child. Not nice.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.