Can't stand friends partner

[beckywiththeshithair21]

I cannot bear my best friends partner. He is an absolute jerk.

He's a known conman who rarely does an honest days work but likes to flaunt his fancy holidays, clothes and cars that he's bought with his ill gotten gains. Drug dealing, gambling, unpaid debts and so on. Friend knows but doesn't work and is financially dependent on him so has to go along with it.

He's rude, aggressive and abusive in the way he speaks her and her 3 kids from previous relationship. He doesn't care whose around, he will talk to them all like shit and unnecessarily discipline them all over petty things.

He controls her financially and emotionally. Gets really annoyed even if she just goes out for a coffee with me. He tries to isolate her and it's worked as many of our mutual friends have stopped bothering inviting her to things.

She is currently pregnant with his twins - that will make 5 kids age 9 and under. I know she isn't happy with him but I feel like she's staying because she needs support even though he barely gives her any. And because she thinks nobody else will want her with 5 kids. I help her out with the kids especially the middle two who are similar ages to my dc. But last week they came for a play date and when they were slightly late going home (never been a problem before) the boyfriend came round and started kicking off. This has made me feel like I will struggle to even be civil to him going forward which I've always made an effort to do in the past for my friend.

I know people will say that it's her choice and her life and nothing to do with me. Which I know. But it's very hard to see someone you care about be treated so badly and from my own point of view I can't stand to be around the prick so it'll prevent me going to her house and since she's barely allowed out it's going to impact our friendship and her support network which I don't want either. Wwyd?

This may be a way to get Police involved to start an investigation.
If neither of them work but they have a flash car Police can investigate how they can afford the car.
It is something about no visible means of support and means that if a person legally has a very low income but has the trappings of a more expensive life there has to be something dodgy going on.
It might be an opening for the police and ss

I think some people on here are being really judgemental, questioning why she is having more kids etc. Do you think that women who live with an abuser always have a choice about having more children? He could be raping her, not allowing her contraception etc or anything really. And if he is just unpleasant and over strict, I can understand a pregnant person staying with him and accepting it's not ideal, rather than facing being thrown out and being homeless. How many posts are regularly on here saying they have tried to leave but their partner has said he will take the kids and report her to social services and police etc for being 'crazy' and a 'bad mum' etc. Lots of people stay not because they want to, but the alternative image painted by their controlling abusive partner is actually worse. I imagine he knows some pretty dodgy people and she may not be safe trying to leave unless it is very carefully planned with professional help

All you can do is to remain her friend behind the scenes, and provide her with support and a safe place when she needs it.

That's it really. Otherwise, she's made her bed and is intent on lying in it.

Much as I have sympathy for the poor woman, she has a responsibility to her children not to expose them to this man. The fact that he's nasty enough to them in front of you for you to question things makes me think it's likely far worse behind closed doors. I would report him to the police for the drugs certainly, that might be enough to trigger SS involvement without you having to do anything directly.

As to your friend, stick around as best you can, she's going to need all the friends she can get, it doesn't sound like she'll be ready to leave any time soon.

She is making poor choices for her children... what's their future norms how are they likely to see doing well in school/getting a job themselves as a way to be when their main role model is loudly not doing that...
I do have empathy with how you can get in that situation (although contraception can be sorted very easily unless your under surveillance)
I have less for staying in the situation... my empathy is for the dc more they have no choice

You can do nothing apart from be there for your best friend when the relationship falls apart and it inevitably will. How long until that happens is anyone's guess

Would I call SS on my best friend? If her children needed safeguarding then abso fucking lutely. It doesnt matter who the parents are. What matters is safeguarding of children. You said he was abusive which is why I mentioned SS. Its also why I asked you exactly how you knew about the abuse, and then you started minimalising and backpedaling. We can only advise based on what you tell us.

You said he was abusive and aggressive to her and the children, people can only respond based on what you share.

Bit much snapping at people when they advise you to flag abusive behaviour, based only on you saying there's abusive behaviour.

According to you, these kids live with a drug dealer who speaks to them and their pregnant mum in an aggressive and abusive way, while also financially abusing her.

I know people will say that it's her choice and her life and nothing to do with me. Which I know. But it's very hard to see someone you care about be treated so badly

You said you knew people would say to keep out of it but that you couldn't keep out of it because it was too hard to watch.

Happily, you were wrong. Everyone has said wow it sounds awful and you shouldn't stay out of it. And so you're having a go at them... doesn't really make sense does it?

And yes if my friend was already a mother, pregnant and living with an abusive drug dealer then I would look into how to alert SS. It's odd you think nobody would...

Op, are you the friend? Only time I saw someone do u-turn like this about abuse was when the victim started to defend it.

You know, there is help available. You did stupid by getting together with already known twat, BUT you CAN change it and make your children's lives better.

I was with someone like this.
I didn't see it for a long time.
A very long time
And I am an intelligent professional woman.
I saw each 'incident' in isolation. Each bad mood as a one off.
And even now, 10 years later, I haven't fully appreciated the scope of my own abuse in its entirety.
What I never realised was that my ExH was doing this deliberately and was enjoying it. I spent such a long time trying not to antagonise him. I was doomed to fail because he was looking for reasons to lose his temper. And if you look you can always find a reason somewhere.
My kids did not tell me how uncomfortable they were with the situation until it was over. My shame that they knew and that they were trying to protect me by saying nothing, will live with me till the day I die.
All you can do for you friend is to be there for her, as you are doing, and maybe try to point out the big picture. Because when the scales finally fell from my eyes and I realised that he was mentally torturing me for fun I had him out of there so fast his feet didn't touch the ground.
He still tries, periodically, to get me back, mainly, I think, because he does not understand how he lost the game so quickly, after consistently winning for so long.