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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that this was incredibly rude of DH?!

106 replies

Shellsbellsk · 26/01/2020 01:00

DSis and her new boyfriend have travelled down to stay with DH and I for the weekend. DH knows how much I’ve been looking forward to this as I’m very close to DSis, but she lives far away so we don’t see each other as often as we’d like and it’s also the first time meeting her boyfriend. They arrived late morning and were then all out of the house until late afternoon. Upon arriving home, DH disappeared upstairs without any explanation which I initially thought nothing of. After half an hour or so had gone by, DSis asked where DH had got to. After hunting around upstairs for him I found him tucked up in bed fast asleep. I immediately woke him and asked what on earth he was doing as we had guests. He said he was tired and would come down later, before rolling over back to sleep. I spent the next hour or so feeling very embarrassed and constantly apologising on DH’s behalf. DH eventually breezed down and joined us after around two hours of sleeping, no apology and carried on with the evening as normal.

I have spent the rest of the evening feeling annoyed with DH for his rudeness. For context, we often have DH’s friends and family come to stay and he’s always very enthusiastic about planning what we’ll do during their stay. He’s certainly never slept during any of their visits. On the rare occasion I have one of my own family members or friends to stay, DH shows far less enthusiasm and lacks interest in contributing to any plans. Him popping off upstairs for a sleep during the day whilst they are present strikes me as the ultimate disrespect and lack of effort. AIBU here please? DH thinks I’m overreacting.

OP posts:
Shellsbellsk · 26/01/2020 09:10

@WindFlower92 We were all out the house together.

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 26/01/2020 09:14

How was it when you all went out?

I have a suspicion that you spent all the time talking to dsis and your dh was stuck talking to the new boyfriend. Perhaps they didn't get on.

When he got home, dh might have been dreading another 3 hours of awkwardness entertaining the bf while you nattered to your sister?
He escaped upstairs, lay down for 10 minutes and fell asleep.

Shellsbellsk · 26/01/2020 09:17

I’m really sorry everyone, probably shouldn’t have written my OP at 1am, I now realise it wasn’t particularly clear Blush
To clarify, we were out together, DSis and her boyfriend weren’t out alone.

OP posts:
aroundtheworldyet · 26/01/2020 09:17

this sounds like on going selfish behaviour

Do you have children together.

Just do the same when his family com

Scarsthelot · 26/01/2020 09:19

So he spent time with them before and after

These were your guests. You wanted to see you sister.

I can imagine dp inviting his family for a weekend and then me not being able to do my own thing at all, during their stay.

He should have said. But I dont think him having sometime to himself is a big deal

YummyChipCurryDip · 26/01/2020 09:23

If you were all out together was it by any chance in the pub? This could be an explanation if the case.

adaline · 26/01/2020 09:27

The only rude part is him just disappearing and not telling anyone.

Nothing wrong with him going off to have a nap (or read or watch tv or have a bath) while your family are visiting.

Having your in-laws stay can be dull at best and difficult at worst - he absolutely should be allowed to go off and enjoy some peace for a bit!

SmileyClare · 26/01/2020 09:28

I agree it's not a big deal.
He spent 2 hours upstairs out of a whole day with them. I would quite happily leave my in laws for a bit in the day if they visited and vice versa with dh and my family.
It's actually a bit suffocating to spend every waking hour of a visit together.

You shouldn't have been "annoyed with him" all evening. That probably created an awkward atmosphere for your guests. It was also a bit cringey that you continually apologised for dh having a nap Confused

JMG1234 · 26/01/2020 09:54

If it makes you feel any better, my husband disappeared for 3 hours at my parents’ ruby wedding party. It later transpired he’d popped upstairs, availed himself of one of their beds and had a long sleep. It’s become one of those family stories we laugh about even though I simply could not imagine ever doing the same. That said, it’s very different when it’s just you and your guests..!

cheeseandpineapple · 26/01/2020 09:59

You’ve made a bigger deal of it than it needed to be, as you’d been out all day together, you could have said he’s knackered, age is catching up with him kind of joke and that he’s having a rest before dinner. Agree he should have said something before disappearing but you’ve potentially made his oversight worse. Are you able to put it behind you and enjoy today?

Evilspiritgin · 26/01/2020 10:07

Before I was on the right level of thyroid medication, I did this a couple of times, just had the overwhelming need for a sleep and I wouldn’t have told anyone either

Drum2018 · 26/01/2020 10:08

I don't think he was being rude. They are your family. There's no rule to say he has to sit entertaining them for the weekend. If you choose to do that for his family/friends so be it, but he really doesn't have to spend every minute with your guests. He probably should have popped his head in the room to say hi but I don't see the issue with him heading off to bed if he was tired and didn't feel like socialising with them.

There have been many threads here about inlaws coming to stay and the woman is sick of of it, or doesn't get on with them. Advice always includes telling the woman to go and meet up with her own family/friends or head out for a coffee herself while he Dh is left to entertain his family. So really, this is no different. Your Dh didn't seem to think he had to sit entertaining your sister for the afternoon and chose to catch up on sleep instead. It's not a crime.

JustFinished · 26/01/2020 10:16

It’s your sister though and they’d been out all day, is it not rude they came to visit and went off by themselves? Surely your sister came to see you anyway? I sometimes go to my sisters house, she’s been with her bf for a year or so if I visit even with my husband her bf gets on with whatever he’s doing, he doesn’t sit there like an official visit! It’s your sister not a royal visit.

Twillow · 26/01/2020 10:20

ExH used to do this. It's definitely rude and incredibly embarrassing. I feel like if I did it, I would certainly offer an explanation beforehand or at the very least apologise afterwards. I think he thought it was a socially acceptable way of opting out. I don't see it that way.
But then I think naps in the daytime, unless you are old or ill, are weird.

SweetMarmalade · 26/01/2020 10:21

The DSis & her bf DID NOT go out for the day by themselves, the OP has clarified this already!

letmebefrank · 26/01/2020 10:23

He was rude, but he clearly has form: he's thoroughly invested in planning and 'being there' when 'his' family and friends visit and expects you to do the same, but demonstrates considerably less enthusiasm and presence when it's 'your' turn to have family or friends round.

I'd pull him up. Selfish and actively showing you what he thinks of your needs to also remain close to family and friends.

Twillow · 26/01/2020 10:25

I think you need to ralk it through with him - find out why, was he over-peopled, did he fall asleep by accident after sitting down for a few minutes, etc. His response will tell you if he was avoiding them or not, and if so then why and why didn't he apologise on returning?

Smartanimal · 26/01/2020 10:28

I don’t see anything wrong with it. He was tired, let him have his nap. It’s not like HIS family came over then he disappeared, leaving you alone to entertain them.

SweetMarmalade · 26/01/2020 10:33

Did you go for a bite to eat with drinks, OP? Where did you go to before returning home?

I only ask as often if I’ve gone out for lunch and had a few drinks I can sometimes feel incredibly tired when I return home and quite easily can go and have a ‘nana nap’ Xmas Blush. Not sure I’d do it with guests mind but I think you made a bigger deal than was necessary. I’d have laughed about it personally, I’m sure your DSis didn’t mind, did she?

SweetMarmalade · 26/01/2020 10:34

Just make sure you go off for some ‘you’ time when dh family are next over.

Lazypuppy · 26/01/2020 10:41

I think you've overreacted. You don't need to all spend 24/7 together.

He should have excused himself, but why shouldn't he be able to have a nap if he needs one?

thelongdarkteatimeofthesoul · 26/01/2020 10:51

The four of you spent most of the day together (late morning until late afternoon).

I think it's fine to take two hours out and come back down in the evening given its your side of the family, but only if it works both ways (would he be absolutely fine with you doing the same when his family visit?).

However he should have said something - "sorry everyone I'm really tired, going to have to have a nap or I'll be asleep by 8pm! See you later this evening, hope nobody minds" would be fine. Not saying anything is the only weird part.

Having to spend every waking second with guests with the exception of toilet breaks is a bit of a strain and shouldn't be compulsory especially when they aren't your guests, but it has to work both ways.

It may be a bit much for everyone concerned to be together every moment as a foursome, 16 hours per day...

Aridane · 26/01/2020 11:15

I don't see the problem given you were all out together all day and he will be coming down later in the evening

RedskyAtnight · 26/01/2020 11:17

I think it's ruder to visit someone and then vanish for several hours pretty much as soon as you arrive. So if you don't think your DSis and BF were rude for doing this, then DH having a nap is not rude either.

Scarsthelot · 26/01/2020 11:19

*I think it's ruder to visit someone and then vanish for several hours pretty much as soon as you arrive.&

No one vanished they all went out together.

So the dh spent the the day with them napped, then the evening with them.

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