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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that this was incredibly rude of DH?!

106 replies

Shellsbellsk · 26/01/2020 01:00

DSis and her new boyfriend have travelled down to stay with DH and I for the weekend. DH knows how much I’ve been looking forward to this as I’m very close to DSis, but she lives far away so we don’t see each other as often as we’d like and it’s also the first time meeting her boyfriend. They arrived late morning and were then all out of the house until late afternoon. Upon arriving home, DH disappeared upstairs without any explanation which I initially thought nothing of. After half an hour or so had gone by, DSis asked where DH had got to. After hunting around upstairs for him I found him tucked up in bed fast asleep. I immediately woke him and asked what on earth he was doing as we had guests. He said he was tired and would come down later, before rolling over back to sleep. I spent the next hour or so feeling very embarrassed and constantly apologising on DH’s behalf. DH eventually breezed down and joined us after around two hours of sleeping, no apology and carried on with the evening as normal.

I have spent the rest of the evening feeling annoyed with DH for his rudeness. For context, we often have DH’s friends and family come to stay and he’s always very enthusiastic about planning what we’ll do during their stay. He’s certainly never slept during any of their visits. On the rare occasion I have one of my own family members or friends to stay, DH shows far less enthusiasm and lacks interest in contributing to any plans. Him popping off upstairs for a sleep during the day whilst they are present strikes me as the ultimate disrespect and lack of effort. AIBU here please? DH thinks I’m overreacting.

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 26/01/2020 07:22

LurkingFather it’s not entirely normal behaviour. If you’re the host there’s an expectation that you’re awake and considerate to your guests’ needs. Had he said he had a headache and was going to try and sleep it off, it would have been fine.

pictish · 26/01/2020 07:28

I’m not sure if he is being unreasonable or not. If you had already spent a few hours together as a foursome then maybe he was in need of a break. I don’t know if I’d want to spend an entire weekend switched on to entertainment mode for the sake of meeting my bil’s new girlfriend for example...not my brother, not my concern. A whole weekend of chummy group activity would tire me out. The guy is a stranger to your dh and while you are invested in your sister’s life and relationship, your dh isn’t. He, as you say, has his own family to enthuse over.

Soooo yeah - maybe he needed a break, maybe he isn’t a performing monkey invested in your sister’s new boyfriend. But he might have made his excuses instead of just disappearing.

I don’t think it’s a big deal really tbh.

Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow · 26/01/2020 07:31

It’s the overall lack of respect for you. Very selfish and odd. I had an ex like this. He became a controlling arsehole and acted like I was the crazy one when I said this kind of behaviour was odd. Don’t let this man steal your joy.

MindyStClaire · 26/01/2020 07:33

If the OP lives in their home town and it's the sister who moved away, she likely has other friends and family to catch up with while visiting. In which case, not unreasonable at all for her to go out for the afternoon and then spend the evening with OP.

I'd be very unimpressed if my DH did this.

jeremypaxo · 26/01/2020 07:34

So rude! He's not a child FFS - I'm sure if his friends or family had been visiting he could have managed to prop his eyelids open.

catnaps1995 · 26/01/2020 07:44

Since she is part of the family, I'd just expect you all to act as if you normally do but perhaps he could of said he was feeling tired and is going for a nap, or he could of napped whilst you were all out.

othervoicesotherrooms · 26/01/2020 07:47

So did you all go out during the day or did your Sis & partner go out alone?
Let him get on with it but explain that you'll be doing the same when his family next visit.

Scarsthelot · 26/01/2020 07:53

Not one person would object of a woman posted that her in laws were visiting. They spent the day together and then she wanted some time on her own and took a break, then spent the evening with them.

If her husband was annoyed he wasnt velcroed to his family all day she would be told she has a dh problem

TriangleBingoBongo · 26/01/2020 07:58

I think it’s unreasonable and I’d be really annoyed.

I remember DH inciting guests when I was pregnant, suffering with sickness and exhausted from being up all night being sick and generally being run down. I was in and out the downstairs loo to vomit but still hung around to be polite. It’s just what you do!!

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/01/2020 07:58

I do think the only way for him to see this as abnormal is to do the same when he has guests. If he is less enthusiastic for your guests than his, he is selfish and possibly controlling. What is he like in general?

Thewheelsarefallingoff · 26/01/2020 08:07

I don't think it's too bad, based on what you said. Maybe he thought he could sneak off without being noticed and misjudged it.

I think it's more relevant how you are when his family visit, rather than how he is.

onanothertrain · 26/01/2020 08:07

Hes not selfish and controlling FFS. He wanted a break from your family and rejoined you after a couple of hours. You made a normal situation worse by constantly apologising for your DH.
Anytime a woman posts about her in laws visiting she's told to take herself out for a bit or to her bedroom. I've never seen that called disrespectful, selfish or controlling.

pictish · 26/01/2020 08:18

This is just conjecture but I wonder if he went up there for ten minutes peace, lay down and just fell asleep. He may have tucked himself in after a while. I know this has happened to me. I’ve gone up with the intention of having a wee time-out, fallen asleep and then just gone with it.
Maybe he thought you’d be fine having your sister around and wouldn’t miss him for a spell...so justified it that way? Remember, your sister’s new boyfriend isn’t your dh’s new friend. They don’t know and didn’t choose each other.

Gatehouse77 · 26/01/2020 08:30

I wouldn't necessarily be pissed off about wanting a nap but I would be mightily pissed off and not being informed beforehand and him just disappearing.

LynetteScavo · 26/01/2020 08:43

I'm going to go against the grain here....I don't think it's that rude. But then my DH often disappears for a 2 hour nap in the weekend without announcing it.

I am far more rude and just fall asleep on the sofa when his family come round.

I would only find it rude if I was left entertaining his friends or family. My own, meh. And he did join you for the evening.

Eckhart · 26/01/2020 08:50

It seems like there's a lot of pressure on him to perform.
It would have been better if he'd mentioned that he needed a rest rather than just disappearing.
But really? You're pissed off that your husband had a 2 hour nap while your sister was there? Can't you handle her (and her new bf) alone?

ovener · 26/01/2020 08:57

I would have been disappointed too - it's the lack of understanding of your excitement at everyone spending the day together.

Is he a bit of an introvert at times? I'm generally sociable but I find weekends with DP's family so draining, as lovely as they are, and it's such a relief to shut myself in my room for a while to decompress. Your DH could have dealt with it better though - if he'd at least apologised before going upstairs it might not have seemed so rude.

BowiesJumper · 26/01/2020 08:58

Very odd and very rude yes! I’d be mortified if my husband did that.

Chocmallows · 26/01/2020 08:59

On the rare occasion I have one of my own family members or friends to stay, DH shows far less enthusiasm and lacks interest in contributing to any plans. Him popping off upstairs for a sleep during the day whilst they are present strikes me as the ultimate disrespect and lack of effort.

Maybe you pull back when it's his family and when it's your family you make exciting plans with them?

pictish · 26/01/2020 09:01

If you feel cheated because you host enthusiastically for his family and friends, take it as a reprieve in which you can step back from duty for a couple of hours yourself the next time he has guests.
I’m ambivalent about him disappearing for a sleep but if he expects you to step up for his lot and would be annoyed at you doing the same as he did, he can fuck off.

fedup21 · 26/01/2020 09:02

Put it to him... how would you feel if I disappeared for a sleep when we have x and y here?

pictish · 26/01/2020 09:03

I think it’s far simpler to agree within a couple that he does for his while she does for her own.

MimiLaRue · 26/01/2020 09:04

The sleeping is not the issue here-its the discrepancy between him doing it when your sister is visiting but not when its his family/friends. The fact his friends/family get treated "better" is something i'd be really pissed off about.

I'd be tempted to go for a nap when his family is visiting and see what his reaction is then....

Jomarchsburntskirt · 26/01/2020 09:08

Unless he was unwell it seems quite rude.

RainbowAlicorn · 26/01/2020 09:09

For me it wouldn't be the fact he had a nap, but the fact he just disappeared without saying anything.