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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel incredibly lonely?

60 replies

Bisquists · 24/01/2020 21:28

I'm mid 30s and embarrassed to admit how lonely I am.

I have a lovely DH and I really appreciate having him, but I have no family or friends. He is the sum total of my life.

I feel so lonely.

I've tried attending art classes, book groups, yoga classes, I've started two new volunteer jobs, joined a running club, the gym etc, but not made any friends.

I seem to get on really well with others, lots of laughter, chatting, I'm very easy going, but friendships never progress.

My birthday was last week and my one card (from DH) highlighted that there's just one person in my life that cares about me.

To not have any friends, or any social life at all, what's wrong with me? :(

OP posts:
Horsemad · 24/01/2020 21:57

Do you work OP? Maybe suggest grabbing a coffee with a work colleague at lunch time?
Or if you have DC are there any other Mums you could suggest the same to?

Robotlady · 24/01/2020 21:57

I'm sorry you feel lonely, it's not a nice feeling but there's nothing wrong with you. I'm in the same position but I'm happy with it. I'm friendly with people but it never develops into anything, I just don't seem to be the sort of person who makes strong friendships. You have a lovely DH and many people don't have that.

category12 · 24/01/2020 21:58

Do you have any old friends you have lost touch with that you could look up?

fjreflycaramel · 24/01/2020 22:01

At least you have a DH so you are not entirely alone. Some people have nobody at all.

TowerRavenSeven · 24/01/2020 22:09

I second work colleagues! Just someone to run out to lunch with would be a huge help!

Original poster
Bisquists · 24/01/2020 22:11

Thanks for the replies.

@Robotlady it's reassuring you can understand! Hopefully I can learn to live with it.

Just to answer - yes I do work, from home - just no opportunity to make any friends. And sadly no DC. I don't have any old friends as such, I left school due to illness when I was 14 and lost the circle of friends I did have back then; I was never able to return to school.

I do appreciate DH, very much.

OP posts:
kittykatkitty · 24/01/2020 22:14

Where do you live op

Waiting2BAMummy · 24/01/2020 22:15

I’ll be your friend @Bisquists you’re absolutely welcome to PM me anytime. Loneliness is awful and nobody should feel that way x

BlueSuffragette · 24/01/2020 22:15

Get a dog. You chat to lots of people whilst walking them. Dogs stop to sniff each other, owners chat. You get to know regulars who use the same route. Or get a job in a pub. You get to meet all the local regulars.

CapnSquirrel · 24/01/2020 22:21

I posted about this last year and see other post quite regularly so you're not alone OP. Would you consider getting a job not working from home? I imagine that's very tough if you're already feeling lonely. Even a day or two a week in an office would feel less isolating and could lead to potential friendships? Just food for thought.

I think regular proximity is the only real way to make friends as an adult. A once per month book club (as an example) just isn't enough time to forge decent connections with people. It's not you Flowers

foodtoorder · 24/01/2020 22:22

It seems like your loneliness is circumstantial in you life events op. Not that having children is the be all and end all but they do come with social links and also having a job where you work from home also rules out obvious links to having a social life.
Certainly not anything wrong with you at all as many posters on this forum talk of degrees of loneliness caused by varying factors, you're not alone.

What is your husbands social life like? Does he have friends with partners you can be more social with as a couple to start with?
Also do you go out of your way to ask people in the groups you've joined if they fancy doing anything outside at other times?
Be kind to yourself though ultimately, if you are chatty and kind with people it will always go in your favour.

JaneyGotAGun · 24/01/2020 22:22

Sorry to hear that you're feeling so lonely OP, and it sounds like you're trying lots of different things to form friendships.

Does your DH have a friendship group? If so could you ask a couple over for dinner or out for a drink?

Happy birthday for last week too Flowers

SpaceDinosaur · 24/01/2020 22:22

From your OP, I'm guessing that you find it difficult to progress relationships from friendly acquaintances to actual friends?

Going out and meeting people is fab and shows you're getting out there.
Beyond the chats at classes have you ever suggested to someone you're getting on with to go for a drink after class? Or "fancy meeting up for a coffee"
Talk about new releases in the cinema and if there's interest ask of someone fancies going to see xxxxx with you?

Do you remember little things people have told you so the next time you see then you can ask "how is your cat?" For example.... showing and sharing interests.

Easier said, I know!

MutteringDarkly · 24/01/2020 22:22

From all the things you said you tried, I think a lot of those are quite hard to make friends in - during the classes most people are there to learn whatever it is, and at the gym/running people are also self-focused. What kind of volunteering have you started? You want something where there's a few of you together and an activity where there's at least some time to chat, so you might have to be a bit picky...

I am not little miss popular, but trying to think where my friends came from: a couple of old friends from uni who I don't see often as they live far apart, but we speak a lot; a couple from a health condition support group; a couple are parents of DC's friends (that one is hit and miss as a source!) I occasionally consider something like WI to find more local friends, would that appeal to you?

I do think it's a bit like finding the right house - you only need one to be right. You don't need loads of friends, but it can sometimes take time to find the one or two you click with.

Original poster
Bisquists · 24/01/2020 22:25

I'm in the South West. I bake great cakes (humblebrag) and have a decent selection and stock of gin if I can bribe anyone to like me!

@Waiting2BAMummy that's such a kind post, thank you.

Get a dog oh how I wish I could! DH has asthma, animal hair is an awful trigger for him - he loves dogs too, it's such a shame.

Working in a pub is certainly an interesting idea!

OP posts:
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 24/01/2020 22:28

I feel exactly the same way OP, it doesn't help that I'm self employed and work from home. I don't know if it's just because it's the time of year but I've been feeling so lonely recently.

Zeusthemoose · 24/01/2020 22:32

I think alot of people once their adults make new friends at work. Your doing all the right things so that person you easily click with will come along. I'm a bit like you as i get on with people but it never really goes anywhere. I'm rubbish in groups so school mums etc scare the hell out of me which is not really about them but about my dislike of perceived clicks.
I have just 2 friends really that I occasionally see and some uni friends but we all live far away from each other. I have had many birthdays when I've only had one or two cards but those people are so special to me and I now count them as blessings. I didn't always feel like that though - it's taken some work!
I hope someone of real friendship material comes your way soon OP.

Fluffycloudland77 · 24/01/2020 22:34

I was going to say get a cat but your dh might to react to that too.

Borderterrierpuppy · 24/01/2020 22:34

Go for a dog that does not shed, you can even join borrow my doggy and just walk one a few days a week.
It’s a great way to meet people.

Teenspirit4 · 24/01/2020 22:37

Join your local WI

Fluffycloudland77 · 24/01/2020 22:37

You know what, there was a woman in the next town to me who put it on fb local spotted page that she was lonely and loads of other people said they were too so they all started meeting up.

kittykatkitty · 24/01/2020 22:42

If anyone who is lonely wants to chat then feel free to message me.

Cactuslover88 · 24/01/2020 22:43

Also in the same boat OP. It’s so hard to make friends as an adult and I really worry what my life would be like without my DP! I’ve also tried gym classes and clubs but just so difficult to progress any friendships. I miss having a group of girls to go out with for a drink on a Saturday night like uni days but we’re spread all over the country now. I’ve considered dating apps for friendships but they don’t seem to be popular outside of London. I’m woking/guildford area if you’re anywhere near?!

ConsolidateTheBiscuits · 24/01/2020 22:44

Have you looked on the meetup website for local social groups you could join? I joined a couple local to me that weren't really the right fit, so I set my own up last year for women 40+ in my area, and it's going really well. Funnily enough a few women from where I volunteer and also my running group have joined!