Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepmom doesn't like my children

119 replies

Onegoodreasonforthis · 24/01/2020 16:55

I've changed my username for this as it could be outing and I don't want it linked to my other comments.

exH has remarried recently. His new wife is not a mother and I have two children with my ex (19 and 16). My DD didn't like her at the start but seems to have warmed to her now my DS has done the opposite.

They come home after visits to there dad and say that she's avoiding them. They go out with their dad for the evening and she stays at home or is out with friends.

She's not being unkind in a direct manner but they don't like going round as theirs an atmosphere. They haven't seen her since Christmas Day and they see there dad twice a week.

Do I tell her she needs to include them in her life now she's a stepmom? When she married there dad she signed up for this didn't she? I don't like to see my DD and DS unhappy like this and she seems to be causing it.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 24/01/2020 19:25

Do you have a partner OP? If so what’s their relationship like with your DC?

JKScot4 · 24/01/2020 19:34

Is this a joke? You’re considering g telling her how to treat your adult children? I’m surprised they still trot off at set days for a visit. You are being ridiculous, when my DP has his kids(much younger)I don’t go out with them, it’s their time with their dad and I respect that. Back off they aren’t babies, if you make an issue of it it’ll cause an atmosphere.
Step mums can’t win, when they do go out with them she’s accused of forcing herself into their dad time 🙄🙄

atomicblonde30 · 24/01/2020 19:37

As a stepmum I can almost guarantee she could tell neither child was keen on her so she made herself scarce. I am a stepmum and did the same. I often use time when my DP is seeing his DD as ‘me time’ maybe she’s doing the same thing and ensuring they get proper one on one time with their dad.

She isn’t their mother after all, and she owes you nothing. Leave her alone.

MrMeSeeks · 24/01/2020 19:37

They’re adults Hmm
If she’d been in their lives for years i’d agree, but they’re adults!
If she’s nice then why do you need to sort things out?

harriethoyle · 24/01/2020 19:52

I have a feeling OP may not be back...!

Wickedwoo · 24/01/2020 19:54

@Cinammoncake thank you 😊

@karencantobe no they were younger but at any age I think an effort should be made by a stepmum. If you marry a man with children of any age they are always going to be apart of your life

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/01/2020 21:31

Good for you Wickedwoo, but you’re in a completely different situation. As am I. I have a great relationship with my step children but I’ve known them more than half their lives and they’ve grown up with me as their stepmum.

You’re never going to be as close to two teens/a young adult as you are small children. My experience is irrelevant to OPs DC, as is yours.

Leaannb · 24/01/2020 22:00

@notanothershitday how is she causing an atmosphere when she isn’t there? The kids haven’t seen her since Christmas even though the kids see their dad twice a week? The kids were the one who caused the “atmosphere” by making their dislike of her known. I wouldn’t spend time with people who didn’t like me either. Instead of being stripy about it she removed herself from the situation so the kids can still see their dad. That’s actually pretty damn respectful

funinthesun19 · 25/01/2020 00:22

How would you like her to include them in her life more? She has no children of her own and your children are almost grown up. Maybe she’s just enjoying her life and doesn’t really feel like a stepmum in the same way she would of they were 6 and 9.

Maybe she just thinks they are independent and they don’t need constant attention like children would do. Especially the 19 year old who is a grown adult. Confused

Livelovebehappy · 25/01/2020 10:03

You see, the fact that op suggests there’s an atmosphere when they visit, for the short period of time she is there when they are, suggests the Sm may be creating that atmosphere. It’s not unknown for stepmums to create an atmosphere to try to put off visiting DCs. It happened to me - my Sm had nothing to do with me, but on the brief times she was there, I felt she ignored me to put me off visiting. And it worked in the end. I don’t think anyone on here can know the true situation without having a fuller picture. I think if the DCs have a decent relationship with her, they would be aware of why she makes herself scarce, but it sounds to me there’s more to it all.

penisbeakers · 25/01/2020 10:12

She's not obliged to like someone else's kids. Some people don't want to be around kids of whatever age, and her going to do her own thing when they're there is entirely her choice.

BanoffeeFlapjack · 25/01/2020 10:16

Your kids aren't babies, or even young children. They are adults. Why should she not have her own life? They are there to see their dad. They don't need lots of hands on parenting anymore and she doesn't need to hang out with them. I didn't even hang out with my own parents at that age. What is it your kids are actually wanting her to do?

You say yourself she isn't unkind to them so what's the problem?

And no, don't 'tell her' anything. It's absolutely not your place, especially considering their ages.

Frankola · 25/01/2020 10:16

I think your comment about her not being a mum says more about you than her to be honest

BanoffeeFlapjack · 25/01/2020 10:17

Frankola agreed.

karencantobe · 25/01/2020 10:17

Yes she might be doing that. But they have not seen her since Christmas. So it isn't happening loads. They either have to ignore it for the small amount of time they see her, talk to their dad, or suggest to their dad they meet elsewhere.

Curiosity101 · 25/01/2020 10:19

Strictly speaking you don't know that she doesn't like your kids. Only that she has behaved in a way that makes you think she doesn't like them.

As others have said she may like them just fine, she just doesn't want / need to be a step mom to a 16 and 19 yo.

karencantobe · 25/01/2020 10:19

But OP I would stop calling her their step mum, she really isn't. And I think it would be inappropriate for her to take on the role of a step mum to 16 and 19 year olds

BanoffeeFlapjack · 25/01/2020 10:20

Tbh at those ages I'd much rather see my dad on his own than having a sm I've only just 'warmed to' there all the time. I don't get why your kids are bothered that she's not there? They don't even like her much by the sounds of it.

MzHz · 25/01/2020 10:38

SM can’t win ever eh?

Have your children been brought up with poor manners? Perhaps - given your comments about ‘cold’ treatment from your dc, SM has wisely decided to step back and let their father deal with them and spent quality time with the person they are there to see.

WhereShallWeMoveTo · 25/01/2020 10:40

I think the notion of needing your fathers wife to be your step mother is outdated. Unless your own mother is dead or no contact and you live with your father you don’t need or a step mother. You already have a mother

These women are just your fathers wife. Especially once you are of an age where no actual caring or parenting will ever be done by her.

I’d say the same for most stepfathers too, although in so many cases children don’t actually have any relationship at all with their real father and in almost all cases they have to live with a stepfather whether they want to or not.

MzHz · 25/01/2020 10:40

A woman married to a father of kids is always called a step mother... it’s not age dependent!

Sheesh.

My mother remarried to a complete prick when I was in my 30s, almost 40s actually

He’s vile, loathe him, but his title is still step father

karencantobe · 25/01/2020 10:46

MzHz Up to you, but I find that strange. Lots of my friends have partners of their mums or dads. They are not step parents.

justlockthedoor · 25/01/2020 11:03

Nope she didn't sign up to your kids. She doesn't have to do anything. The terms of their marriage has nothing to do with you. They're teenagers not small children, if she wants to go out and let dad deal that's up to her

LolaSmiles · 25/01/2020 11:11

Nope she didn't sign up to your kids. She doesn't have to do anything. The terms of their marriage has nothing to do with you.
They're teenagers not small children, if she wants to go out and let dad deal that's up to her
She did sign up to the children. Anyone who marries or has a long term relationship with a parent signs up to th children. Problems arise when they don't sign up to them or think that because their DP/DH/DW is the non resident parent the children are some part time visitors. There'll be many times when the children need their parent and their parent will have to make decisions in their own life based on having children. It's no good if their partner/spouse decides 'i didn't sign up to the kids'.

However, at the age of the children the nature of the relationship between dad's wife will differ from a typical step parent relationship with younger children. It may well be that the relationship is more of a family friend one rather than a stepmother, which makes sense. It makes sense that she'd be less involved overall and gives space for DH and his kids together. Opting out altogether or trying to keep a divide between 'me and DH' and 'DH and his children' isn't conducive to healthy relationships

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/01/2020 11:19

It’s not unknown for stepmums to create an atmosphere to try to put off visiting DCs

It’s not unknown for children to make it clear their dad’s wife isn’t real family, doesn’t fit in, isn’t wanted, isn’t their stepmum, isn’t welcome in their relationship with their father.

We don’t know what’s going on here. Neither does OP. I imagine if she’s been around a while she expected to post slagging off her ex’s wife and as stepmum posts tend to inspire a lot of rage she’d be validated in her assumptions that this woman, who she doesn’t know at all, is a cold heartless bitch whose sole aim in life is to make her poor children feel unhappy and unwelcome. She’s got no children of her own, not a mother, so probably devoid of normal human emotions etc etc.

It’s heartening to see that in the main that hasn’t happened. I don’t expect she’ll be back.