Stepmom doesn't like my children

[Onegoodreasonforthis]

I've changed my username for this as it could be outing and I don't want it linked to my other comments.

exH has remarried recently. His new wife is not a mother and I have two children with my ex (19 and 16). My DD didn't like her at the start but seems to have warmed to her now my DS has done the opposite.

They come home after visits to there dad and say that she's avoiding them. They go out with their dad for the evening and she stays at home or is out with friends.

She's not being unkind in a direct manner but they don't like going round as theirs an atmosphere. They haven't seen her since Christmas Day and they see there dad twice a week.

Do I tell her she needs to include them in her life now she's a stepmom? When she married there dad she signed up for this didn't she? I don't like to see my DD and DS unhappy like this and she seems to be causing it.

It's not your tole to be telling her anything.

The role of a step parent can be quite different from family to family. You dont get to decide how that works in your ex house.

Encourage the kids to talk to their dad. She may be giving them space or genuinely have stuff planned. They go to see him. She has no obligation to cancel or not make plans when they are there

She is using the time he spends with his children to see her friends. He gets quality time with his children. She gets to see her friends.

They have pretty much had their childhood without her on the scene. It's not as if shes had of early childhood to build up bonds. I'd agree shes backing off and allowing their dad Townsend quality time with them. How is she when she does see them is she polite?

At 16 and 19 she isn’t going to be a parental figure to them, so calling her stepmum is a bit disingenous. At best she’d be a friend but she clearly doesn’t want to be and you would be unreasonable to push it. It’s her loss when the kids don’t invite her to their weddings / don’t prioritize her when GC are born.

To spend*

They’re 16 and 19. She’s hardly going to be a mother figure to them at that age.

You say she’s not being horrible, just not having family days out with them. I’m in the ‘doesn’t want to intrude’ camp.

Maybe she could cook meals for everyone (or dh cooks for everyone). Maybe ifs she’s not a mum, she doesn't know quite what to do. Maybe she’s not comfortable mixing with teens.

I would ask what they mean by the atmosphere, and encourage them to express that to their dad. I suspect this needs unpacking, because if she is going out with friend, how is she creating an atmosphere?
Also your Ds may just not like her because of personality. It does not automatically mean she is doing anything wrong.

I also would not call her a steomum. She is your exes partner.

I agree with PP's, you can certainly help your DC negotiate speaking to their DF and offer advice and insight into SM's point of view but it's not your place to raise it with her. I've been a SM for 20 years btw, it's not easy getting the balance right and I imagine must be harder still with older kids like yours.

I think the OP is getting way too hard a time here. It's the dcs who've been complaining, saying theres' an atmosphere. I'm sure they know what they're talking about and not imagining it. I agree with pp, get dcs to speak with their dad if possible. In any case, aren't they too old to have to go there? They need to forge an adult relationship with their dad now. If they don't like his wife it may affect their relationship with him, but that's not OP's concern.

@grumpyhoonmain its only her loss of she wants to be invited to these things otherwise sadly the one in a difficult position is the kids father. I do wonder about these things myself now and then as no way would I be in a room with their mother

She chose to be your ex husbands new wife - that does not automatically mean she takes the role of stepmum, especially given the ages and the fact that they are not living with her....
She has no obligation to spend time with your children, if it happens because they get on that’s great but as long as she is not actively creating an unpleasant atmosphere and is not putting pressure on their Dad to not spend time with them I don’t think you have anything to be concerned about.

They're pretty old teenagers, maybe she find them intimidating. Or maybe she's staying out of the way to let them have proper uninterrupted time with their dad - something I make a point of doing for my DH and DSD. Of all the potential problems out there for stepmums, this seems pretty minor!

@karencantobe why "partner" and not "stepmother"? They're married. She's the children's stepmother. Both legally and socially/traditionally.

Do I tell her she needs to include them in her life now

Errr, only if you want to look like a twat.

If she is not there, how is there an atmosphere?

I think you need to have a think about how you are feeling about your ex remarrying. You are projecting something that isn't there and potentially messing up your DCs relationship with their DF.

Your kids could if they wanted say to their father, could stepmum join us tonight, it would be nice to get to know her.

Because she is not in a mothering role. They are 16 and 19.

It is difficult. My DH has children late teens/20s - I honestly have no interest in them but always feel I have to go through the motions for his sake!

I’d be pissed if the mother of my husband’s children aged 19 and 16 told me I should include them. I’m not saying be cruel and unkind but at that age children don’t exactly hang on to their parents like they did at age 10, so I’m wondering if the kids are making things sound worse than they are?

as others have pointed out ( and what I would do) Maybe she’s giving them their space and time alone which I think is a good thing but either way I think if anyone is going to say anything it should be your ExH

I think you need to have a think about how you are feeling about your ex remarrying. You are projecting something that isn't there and potentially messing up your DCs relationship with their DF.

fwiw I don't think the OP is doing this at all and it's totally unfair to blame her. It sounds like the stepmom is making the dcs feel awkward. Yes they are old enough to deal with it themselves. The dcs and their dad's relationship and any problems with the stepmom is not caused by the OP!

Lol@MilkTrayLimeBarrel

I’ve only had partners with school age children but I’ve always thought one of the perks of dating a man with adult children is that you get out of being “the mum” role and they are more like a friend relationship.

You’ve given me food for thought..

my mum remarried when I was 20, I get on perfectly fine with him, and he is a wonderful grandad to my son, much better than my own father,

But he is not my dad or step dad, he has never had a parental role.
I'm just wondering exactly what you want her to do and what do you think she has 'signed up ' for ?

@JingsMahBucket
Legally she is not a stepmother at all - she has no parental responsibility and would have to have a court order or a parental responsibility agreement signed by both biological parents, and her!

The dcs and their dad's relationship and any problems with the stepmom is not caused by the OP!

No, but the fact that she think she needs to tell this woman how to be in her own home speaks volumes

Why would OP not be speaking to him first? She should encourage the kids to sort it out.

But jumping straight to wantng to contact her? That's ridiculous. It shows op clearly thinks she has the right to be more involved in their relationship than she actually does

If she doesn’t like them isn’t it better that she doesn’t hang out with them?

I wouldn’t particularly want to hang out with someone who didn’t want to hang out with me and was doing so out of duty.