Stepmom doesn't like my children

[Onegoodreasonforthis]

I've changed my username for this as it could be outing and I don't want it linked to my other comments.

exH has remarried recently. His new wife is not a mother and I have two children with my ex (19 and 16). My DD didn't like her at the start but seems to have warmed to her now my DS has done the opposite.

They come home after visits to there dad and say that she's avoiding them. They go out with their dad for the evening and she stays at home or is out with friends.

She's not being unkind in a direct manner but they don't like going round as theirs an atmosphere. They haven't seen her since Christmas Day and they see there dad twice a week.

Do I tell her she needs to include them in her life now she's a stepmom? When she married there dad she signed up for this didn't she? I don't like to see my DD and DS unhappy like this and she seems to be causing it.

You could talk to your ex though and ask him to address the ‘atmosphere’.

I would assume she is giving them space - if they want her to join in maybe they should invite her - she might be delighted!

I can imagine that if she's never had kids, she might just not really be sure what to do with herself around them.

I agree with the idea that they're old enough that they can and should discuss any issues with their dad and he can raise it with his partner.

I agree she shouldn't speak to the stepmom. Dcs are more than old enough to sort this out themselves with their dad

She doesn’t have to like them. If she doesn’t then she doesn’t have to spend time with them.

What exactly is it you want to say and how do you want her to reply then what do you want her to do differently?

You have no right to tell her what to do She has signed up for a life with your ex, not with your kids. It's perfectly fine to do he own thing and for your ex to do thing with YOUR kids, they are not hers.

The best thing you can do for your kids is subtly give them ‘permission’ to like their Stepmum.

Perhaps their comments to you are to demonstrate their loyalty to you? Especially if they sense you’re taking a lot of interest in your ex’s marriage.

Time to get on with your life, support your DCs of course, but move the spotlight towards their futures as independent adults.

Horrendous she behaves like this. I am a stepmum to a 14 and 16 year old
and i adore them. I couldn't imagine not wanting to be apart of their lives. If you marry a man with DC they also come as part of the package as far as i am concerned and i feel blessed after being unable to my own DC to have two wonderful SC

YABU. They see their dad regularly and that's what matters. At 16 and 19, one's an adult and one will soon be an adult. As long as she doesn't stand in the way of them seeing their dad (and she isn't) I don't see it as a problem.

Do I tell her she needs to include them in her life now she's a stepmom?

Why would you do this?

It's not up to you how she spends her time and she hasn't made any commitment to you whatsoever.

It would be a tad overbearing to dictate what she should and shouldn't do when your DCs see their dad, and you will likely look unreasonable and unhinged if you lay down the law with her. It's also likely to make things more tense between her and the DC if she becomes more self-conscious about upsetting them.

Assuming no SEN preventing this, your DCs are old enough to deal with this directly with their dad or with her - I suspect it will just take time for everyone to feel comfortable with each other.

Just leave them to get on with it.

these are not children... they are young adults ... I'm not clear what the actual issues are but let them verbalise issues to Dad themselves..

I think that at 19 and 16 they're old enough to discuss this with their father and sort it out for themselves!

How is there an atmosphere if she’s not with them? It’s sounds as though she’s trying to be kind and let them be with their Dad. If she never left the three of them alone she’d probably be accused of being too possessive of him.

@wickedway that would be reasonable if you had already had a long history with the children when they are younger. Do you really expect her to have a parental roll to an adult? Or even to the 16 yo. These children are not her do over children nor are they substitutes for not having her own. The children has said they don’t like her so be it. Even if the son said she was ok now doesn’t mean she wants to be mom to an adult and a 3/4 of an adult. She doesn’t see adults as her children and that’s ok.

wickedwoo you sound like a lovely stepmom

@Wickedwoo Did you meet them when they were 14 and 16 year old?

I don't believe she's being respectful I personally think she's avoiding them as doesn't like them,
If she was being respectful she wouldn't cause an atmosphere, I had the same problem with my eldest and his dads new wife, she wasn't friendly at all and he felt awkward around her,
His older now and sees his dad once a year at most, she made it clear she didn't want him around without ever saying it,
Even now his dad doesn't answer his phone to him if the wife is there and will call him every few months but only from work phone never his own phone

No you definitely shouldn't tell her what to do. You can pass on to your husband that they'd like to see more of her, but if she doesn't want to be more involved then that's her choice.

Sorry, meant ex husband.

I don’t see why they should have to have a close relationship really. It’s always difficult to strike the right balance and stepmothers can’t seem to do right for doing wrong. If I had a new partner with older kids I’d not force a friendship with them if all the early signals were that they didn’t want one or were going to make things awkward for me. Who needs the hassle? Why set yourself up to fail?

They are old enough that it is easy to be out when they are around. Not that she’s necessarily avoiding them, just that her priorities are not to spend time with them. They are there to spend time with their dad, not her.

That way she doesn’t have to worry about trying too hard, saying the wrong thing or treading on anyone’s toes. So long as she’s not dictating to their father how much time he can spend with them or trying to come between them then I really don’t see the issue with it.

I think perhaps more blended families would be happier if they took a leaf out of her book.

Leave the poor woman alone. She has chosen to take a back seat while your very-nearly grown teenagers have time with their dad, which is lovely of her. She's not insisting on being part of their life, she's not competing, she's trying not to trespass on their family time.

I salute her.

My father’s wife is not my stepmother. He got together with her when we were older teenagers. She has no interest in us nor we in her.

Your ex’s new wife is giving your children space and time to spend with their father. YABU.

Poor woman - she can't do right for doing wrong.

Let your adult DCs deal with this by themselves

As long as she isn’t being openly hostile with them, or making them feel unwelcome, I would leave her to it. Your DCs should welcome the fact that she is leaving them to have their dad to themselves when they visit. But reading between the lines it may be that they feel she avoids them because she doesn’t like them? In which case perhaps a grown up discussion between all four of them needs to be had.