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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think mental health isn't an opt out?

62 replies

Totaloptout · 23/01/2020 18:19

I'm prepared to be told I'm bu, I haven't suffered from MH but I just feel my dh takes the piss.
I know he has MH issues and do my best to support him but several times a year he 'decides' (not quite the right word) to stop doing anything and more or less ignore us all for a few days or weeks. During this time he does nothing, and I mean nothing won't go to work won't help with the kids (we have two, 4 and 7 and we have his children 11, 13 and 16 every other weekend and every Wednesday night, 16 year old doesn't tend to come when his dad does this) won't cook/drive/wash up /washing literally nothing.
I work part time but when he stops working I go in and help where he works (his boss is amazing and realises that he makes the company good money when he is there so ignores his time off but he only gets statuary sick and I don't get paid for going in and making sure things tick over. If I didn't go in he would lose his job and we can't afford that)
I can't ask him when he is going to go back to work etc as he just ignores me/gets cross. I'm really struggling and I don't know the point of this post really but am I bu to expect him to do something?

OP posts:
AiryFairyMum · 23/01/2020 18:25

He obviously can't choose his mental health problems, but he can choose how he deals with them. I presume when these periods happen, he's still happy to eat the food you make, wear the clothes you wash and mess up the house you clean?

OpheliaBalthasar · 23/01/2020 18:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ravensoaponarope · 23/01/2020 18:37

It isn't a choice on his part either though...
I get how totally frustrating it must be for you.

NaviSprite · 23/01/2020 18:39

I’ve a long long history of depression and I agree it sounds like he’s using some of it as an excuse and whilst it’s one thing to live that way when living alone/single it’s incredibly unfair to expect you to pick up 100% of the load whilst he deals with whatever it is he is dealing with.

I’m not saying all people react the same to any kind of MH condition, but there comes a point where some things are clearly choices made, even if made through the fog of whatever he is dealing with, he is choosing to leave it all up to you.

If this is as recurring as you say, has he taken any steps to manage the condition?

Original poster
Totaloptout · 23/01/2020 18:40

Clinical depression, he has seen various psychiatrists and one said possible BPD but doesn't fit a lot of the markers, he is on Sertraline and has had CBT but currently discharged as he won't engage with further therapy (ie group settings, or general self care when he is well)
Yes he is still happy to get all the benefits of a live in slave

OP posts:
SnoozyLou · 23/01/2020 18:43

I think you're going to roasted, and perhaps I will too, but I think you're being entirely reasonable.

Original poster
Totaloptout · 23/01/2020 18:43

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and situations with me, I am very aware that if he had a broken leg I wouldn't make him run and try and see it like that but he won't even heat the kids up some soup and toast for tea.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 23/01/2020 18:47

He’s taking the piss.
My tolerance for his behaviour during episodes of poor MH would take a nose dive if he didn’t practise self care when well.
If he had a leg that was prone to breaking if he didn’t do regular physio when it was OK, then you’d lose patience with it breaking when he didn’t do the physio, right?

PlanDeRaccordement · 23/01/2020 18:50

Is it really only a few days a few times a year? As in less than the usual 25 days holiday entitlement? Why isn’t he just taking his paid holidays then? So you don’t have to go into his work?

Clinical depression doesn’t just go away never to return so he’s going to have relapses now and then. The key is to accept they will happen and then put in place support for you so you’re not left holding the bag. Can you save some money so there are funds for a baby sitter to help out when he is unwell and in bed? Or a friend or family member who can help? Neighbour?

NaviSprite · 23/01/2020 18:50

This is a very difficult position to be in for you and I empathise OP. My concern is that during his depressive episodes he’s not just losing his drive but completely blanking you and the DC - then when questioned he snaps (if I’ve read your OP correctly?) that isn’t a nice kind of life for you or the children and if he slips in and out of episodes then you can never really be sure what version of him is going to walk in through the door on any given day. I appreciate that not everybody will agree with me here but it sounds like he’s given up with assistance because he doesn’t like the setting involved? I’ve been in his position but never wanted to inflict it on my DC (did to my DH pre children and still feel awful that I did) I hate antidepressants - they don’t work well for me and I’ve tried a fair few different types, but I continued to try with new ones in hopes they would help. I don’t do well with group therapy, I dislike speaking to a stranger about my emotional state let alone a group of strangers, but I did it (and continue to access the services when possible) because again, I don’t want to inflict the worst parts of my depression on my DC.

If he’s not willing to go the whole nine-yards then I’m not sure he will ever feel the need to change how he manages his depressive episodes and the resentment will build. It’s no life for you or your DC if he won’t put the effort in when he’s well.

AtlasShrugged1 · 23/01/2020 18:50

I don’t know how to vote or how anyone can vote accurately really, without being you or your husband. You are the only two (and even then you only to a certain extent) who know if he has ANY control over these periods.

I have suffered all of my adult life from depression and other mental health issues. There have been times when I simply could not get out of bed, couldn’t speak, couldn’t dress, couldn’t shower. Could no more have worked than flown in the air, would not have driven for fear of killing myself or someone else.

On the other hand there have been lots more times where it’s clear that I’m depressed and not well, where I have managed to mask it/carry on until I am back on antiDs, or back in CBT or until something else improves the situation.

Only you know if your husband is falling into the latter category and he is making absolutely no attempt to carry on through the pain, or if he is in the first category in which case it’s all totally out of his control.

PlanDeRaccordement · 23/01/2020 18:52

he won't even heat the kids up some soup and toast for tea.

Most people suffering from a relapse of depression won’t be able to even do this for themselves much less anyone else. Just getting out of bed to shower might be all they can get done in one day.

skiptheskip · 23/01/2020 18:56

Someone can be mentally ill and selfish or abusive or just a bit of an arsehole - it's not mutually exclusive.

As for you going to his work to keep his job ticking over, I can't understand how this is even allowed at his workplace?

A lot of what you've posted including fact that he won't engage in therapy or general self care makes me think he sounds like a selfish lazy arsehole who opts out knowing you'll pick up all the slack.

Lifeisgenerallyfun · 23/01/2020 18:57

Having suffered from ptsd and associated depression I get that he needs everything to just stop to enable him to recalibrate. That stillness might be the only thing enabling him to deal with self destructive thoughts.

But getting bette from mental health issues requires so much effort and the only person who can do that is the person suffering. Treatment is hard and painful and actually too much for some. If your DH is not in a place to follow through with treatment (most likely because of his MH issues rather than actual choice) you need to decide whether you can remain in the relationship in the same way you would decide with a partner with any other chronic debilitating illness.

slipperywhensparticus · 23/01/2020 18:57

I know where your coming from and if you can no longer live with it if its pushing you to breaking point then you should consider splitting the kids can see him when he is mentally well and not when he is mentally unwell

SoVeryLost · 23/01/2020 18:59

Yanbu.

I wouldn’t help his work out when he has these moments. Slow down and look after yourself or you will burn out.

LadyLightning · 23/01/2020 19:01

He wont engage with self care. That tells you everything you need to know. He is not interested if changing this because why would he? It is affecting you far more than him. This is totally unfair to you and he is being unreasonable. Sounds all very convenient.

BedStuy · 23/01/2020 19:01

Please don't refer to "suffering from mental health". I'm honestly not trying to be pedantic; it just sounds like a lazy catch-all term when it seems like you're saying he has symptoms of a mental illness? And if so an actual diagnosis would help, or at least being specific about what he feels.

Sorry OP, it sounds like a shit situation.

busybarbara · 23/01/2020 19:03

Even if someone has broken their leg, they can at least try and use their limited mobility to get about and do things. People who are consigned to wheelchairs don’t just decide to stay inside forever. It’s the same with this, just because he feels a bit sad doesn’t mean he can check out. He might be less mentally engaged than normal, fine, but that doesn’t mean he can go to zero. Best of luck x

littlepaddypaws · 23/01/2020 19:08

i would have to step back alittle when he's like this, certainly not doing his job for him, it could be a bit of a jolly up [lazy times] or a really low mood but it's difficult to gauge without knowing him.
i have rapid cycling bpd, it can be crippling on a low and quite alarming coming off a manic episode. never quite know how i'm going to be, even with medication.

PlanDeRaccordement · 23/01/2020 19:17

It’s the same with this, just because he feels a bit sad ????

Busybarbara clinical depression is not feeling “a bit sad”
Please take the time to look up what depression is because your comment is woefully ignorant and perpetuates the stigma against mental illness.

GreytExpectations · 23/01/2020 19:35

Some good comments explaining how bad clinical depression actually is and honestly OP, I doubt he is getting much support from you. I wouldn't be surprised if you judgmental attitude isn't very well hidden to him.

NaviSprite · 23/01/2020 19:38

That’s a bit of an extrapolation @GreytExpectations living with a person who suffers with cyclical depression is hard work, my DH has suffered in the past because of mine. But there has to come a point where the OP puts her emotional health first and the emotional health of the DC.

cavabiensepasser · 23/01/2020 19:46

@GreytExpectations

No, he isn't getting any support from the OP, is he. I mean, she only keeps the whole fucking household, the children, and his fucking JOB going. How very unsupportive.

Everytimeiseeher · 23/01/2020 19:56

I totally sympathise with you. My ex h was like this. He had depression and was on medication. Every few months he would feel great and stop taking his meds as he didn’t need them he thought. I knew when he’d stopped within a couple of days as he’d be like this; critical, tired,
Giving us all silent treatment, not going to work and not lifting a finger in the house. Exactly the same as you. I had two jobs because he would just leave his work if he had an episode and I had to support us until he found another job. I couldn’t give the other job up as I didn’t know when he was going to be like this.
After 10 years of this I left him. I had been with him for 20, we had children when we had been together 10 and I found it very hard to cope with him like that and kids.
Mine and my children’s lives are very much more steady and peaceful now.
I haven’t felt bad for leaving him when he was “ill” as he seemed to not help himself. He used to blame me for his depression. Well guess what I’m gone and he is still the same.

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