To think mental health isn't an opt out?

[Totaloptout]

I'm prepared to be told I'm bu, I haven't suffered from MH but I just feel my dh takes the piss.
I know he has MH issues and do my best to support him but several times a year he 'decides' (not quite the right word) to stop doing anything and more or less ignore us all for a few days or weeks. During this time he does nothing, and I mean nothing won't go to work won't help with the kids (we have two, 4 and 7 and we have his children 11, 13 and 16 every other weekend and every Wednesday night, 16 year old doesn't tend to come when his dad does this) won't cook/drive/wash up /washing literally nothing.
I work part time but when he stops working I go in and help where he works (his boss is amazing and realises that he makes the company good money when he is there so ignores his time off but he only gets statuary sick and I don't get paid for going in and making sure things tick over. If I didn't go in he would lose his job and we can't afford that)
I can't ask him when he is going to go back to work etc as he just ignores me/gets cross. I'm really struggling and I don't know the point of this post really but am I bu to expect him to do something?

I do feel what Damtheman says is true, although sorry to hear about your diagnosis Dam.
D1lly I wish he would take heed, often I see when he is beginning to struggle and booking some holiday would help I'm sure but he won't, he says he is too busy and I don't understand.

It's not really comparable to a non mental illness, for example my mum is bedridden so there is plenty she can not do but she always does what she can (plays board games mainly)
For the person who asked, he does do much, reads, watches TV. He will make himself a cup of tea and toast eat biscuits etc but nothing else. When he is 'better' he dedicates his life to work mainly

If he is on medication then he must be having reviews? It doesn’t sound like his current medication is helping enough. He needs to discuss this with the GP.

Ok, so I know everyone is different but my experience of people with depressive episodes usually involve no or little eating, reading or concentrating / being silent and no self care.

Only you'd know exactly how he is and whether he is well enough to help you out.

Someone I know who is probably bi-polar is depressive and insular but does do practical stuff - housework etc just no or little communication.

From your posts, I think he isn't very family oriented when he's 'well', so it must be quite difficult to support him when unwell.

Bad mental health is a bitch, it's cruel and essentially invisible, we don't have enough sympathy for those suffering BUT I do worry that it can be used to manipulate dishonestly.

he won't engage with further therapy (ie group settings, or general self care when he is well)

Then YANBU. At all. He's being very selfish by not taking responsibility for his mental health and engaging in therapy. This must feel incredibly frustrating for you, OP.

@PlanDeRaccordement I want to understand, I bloody try to, I know his kids (ours are too young to really understand) shield him from things as do I. If you read my posts I accept that he may never be 'well' and just masking it, I've not walked away and I don't want a fucking medal. I guess I'm wondering where depression starts and if somewhere along the line it's not depression just who he is. I couldn't live with him if this was who he was, depression does seem to give a free ticket to treating everyone like shit. In fairness it was his ex mental health nurse (he was discharged for not engaging, I have no idea if group sessions, self help books work but his trained psychologist discharged him as he wasn't helping himself so they said there was no more they could do) who said that he does have some control even when in a severe bout. Sorry that sounds like I am disregarding your views and I don't mean to, I do appreciate another view point even if it is hard to hear, I guess I'm scared as I can't see how I'm going to cope for much longer.
Regards the medication, he has tried loads and the GP won't change without the mental health team getting involved as changing would be seen as high risk, mental health team won't get involved as they say he won't engage.

yougotanology you are probably right

Op only you know him and I think your gut will tell you when he’s truly not able versus taking the piss and acting worse than he feels. I don’t mean to discount that at all. I just want to say that yes depression can get really really severe and disabling. He can get that bad. But he may not be that bad each and every time.
Depression is not curable so in a way it is part of him the same as any chronic illness that is life long.
I agree you should not be trying to cope alone. It’s too much for any one person to deal with while working and raising a family.
I’m not sure how much his being discharged was bad MH services or self inflicted. I know several people who were very let down by the NHS and were blamed by the MH team such that they’ve used their PIP money to get private help. So consider maybe him going private and tryIng different medication and therapy.
Since he relapses a few times a year, I’d try and get a care plan together for the next relapse where it does not all fall on you. You need support too and should not be taking all of this on. It’ll break you and I think that is your main worry. I don’t know why his work are not lettIng him use his holiday entitlement for the days he isn’t working at the very least.

Just thought I'd update, nearly a month later and everything is worse.
About two weeks ago his depression seemed to lift and we had a good weekend, but I realized he was feeling better as he started being critical about all the things I hadn't managed when he was having his episode but he didn't manage to go back to work.
Work have now said that if he isn't back by March then they may have to let him go, financially we have nothing as each time we save we have to use it to get through times where he isn't working as he doesn't get paid.
My 7 year old is really angry, it is affecting all the children but the 7year old is more affected as haven't been able to get her to her clubs as having to pay for a childminder to have them both. My step kids have asked why I put up with it, I've tried explaining that he is unwell.

I've read back all replies and I do think I am adding to it, I just can't understand how he is willing to lose everything we have worked so hard for and also after doing this for years I know when he does go back he will just be critical of what I've done/not done.

I think you need couples therapy or family therapy.

He is ill but you shouldn't have to just put up with everything because of this.

You need help too and I think he needs to be reminded of how much he has to do too to help in his recovery.

Good luck to you.

I'm sorry, Totaloptout, that sounds awful. There's no excuse for him criticising you like that. I find this phrase useful: "You can't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm". And in this case, it's as if you did this and now he's complaining about the smell of smoke.

If he's not even nice to you when he's well, there's no hope really, is there?

I realized he was feeling better as he started being critical about all the things I hadn't managed when he was having his episode

I rarely say this but I would leave him. What is he adding to your life at this point?