To think mental health isn't an opt out?

[Totaloptout]

I'm prepared to be told I'm bu, I haven't suffered from MH but I just feel my dh takes the piss.
I know he has MH issues and do my best to support him but several times a year he 'decides' (not quite the right word) to stop doing anything and more or less ignore us all for a few days or weeks. During this time he does nothing, and I mean nothing won't go to work won't help with the kids (we have two, 4 and 7 and we have his children 11, 13 and 16 every other weekend and every Wednesday night, 16 year old doesn't tend to come when his dad does this) won't cook/drive/wash up /washing literally nothing.
I work part time but when he stops working I go in and help where he works (his boss is amazing and realises that he makes the company good money when he is there so ignores his time off but he only gets statuary sick and I don't get paid for going in and making sure things tick over. If I didn't go in he would lose his job and we can't afford that)
I can't ask him when he is going to go back to work etc as he just ignores me/gets cross. I'm really struggling and I don't know the point of this post really but am I bu to expect him to do something?

Do you have enough of a relationship with his ex to contact her and ask for his older children not to come when he's like this? Might take the pressure off you a bit when you have less people to feed and clean up after.

Op, you should focus on yourself, your own health and that of your DCs. If he has one of his mental health breakdowns, leave him to get on with it, which includes not going to his work to pick up the slack. Are you even sure you want to be with him? Sounds so stressful for you and such hard work trying to keep your ship afloat when he checks out.

Severe mental illness is disabling.

No, he isn't getting any support from the OP, is he. I mean, she only keeps the whole fucking household, the children, and his fucking JOB going. How very unsupportive

She belittles his mental illness. If this were reversed, everyone would be saying that it can't be helped but as it's a man, clearly he is lazy

She's entitled to complain as much as she bloody wants IMO. She's doing it all. What do you expect her to do, grimace and pretend that everything is fine when it isn't?

I don’t see any belittling at all, just an OP at the end of her tether because her partner won’t manage his depression when feeling well, it’s a constant fight when it’s an ongoing depression and not putting in work when he can to try and manage it as best he can, is putting the rest of the family on edge when dealing with his depressive episodes. I’d say the same of a woman if the shoe were on the other foot.

She's entitled to complain as much as she bloody wants IMO.

She isn't just complaining though is she? She is suggesting her DP chooses to do this and has even said she doesn't think mental illness is a good enough reason. If he were physically ill and hardly able to get out of bed would you suggest he is being lazy?

She's a superhero for putting up with it regardless. Her man is lucky to have a partner as supportive as OP; I'd have been gone long ago.

Is he physically able to do these things? Yes.
Is he willing to to do these things?
No.

You are not being unreasonable to not do things for him. If he moans tell him you don't feel like it either.

I'd have been gone long ago.

Wow, you would leave your loved one because they were seriously ill?

You don't understand mental illness at all, do you @PuppyClub?

Won’t comment on your DH, as it’s not our place to comment on his mental health however OP your a bloody super star for keeping things going whilst he’s like that.

Thank you all, some replies have made me cry as I didn't think I'd have any support, I have no one irl to talk to about this.

I accept that I don't understand it and I may well come across as a bitch to him but he can't see how this affects us all, not even when he is 'well'. Maybe he is never well but for much of the year he functions but doesn't self care, won't do anything that has been recommended to him, it is hard when someone is unwell but doesn't (can't?) want to make themselves better. The analogy of walking on a broken leg hit home.
I get on well with his ex but don't feel that I can send his kids away when he is like this, his daughters love coming to us (son does come but tends to stay away when he is unwell) and I help them with their maths which they struggle with and their mum can't help with this, I don't want them to suffer, they are lovely kids, I'm struggling with it all, God knows how they are coping deep down.
I wish I could not go to his work but if he lost his job I don't think we could survive, not just financially but he loves his job and I do think it helps him overall.

my DH has fragile MH. I can see him taking a dip so I encourage him to book days off, walk in the sunshine, use his SAD lamp, I take the pressure off with chores. if your DH doesn't work on his MH when well he's selfish.

meant to add as preventative measures so doesn't crash. even when signed off for 6 months he'd be able to get the girls basic lunch even when not safe to be alone and responsible for them.

Yanbu, his whole attitude is completely not acceptable. Whilst there are some parts that he cannot control there is absolutely some things he can do to pull his weight.
I dont blame you at all, this isn't a way to live. I would be issuing an ultimatum regarding little ways he can step up. It's not fair on you to be placed with such burdens.

He does however choose to not look after himself Grey. When he's well he chooses to actively avoid self care, he won't do therapy or any kind of care that might keep him on a more even keel. If he was doing all he could to stay well then I would be more sympathetic to him as he hasn't chosen to be so unwell, and he isn't 'choosing' to sit about doing nothing on his bad days. But he sure isn't helping matters by avoiding the issue on his good days and risking another crash.

OP don't feel bad for feeling this way. Living with someone so seriously ill is not easy. You need to make sure you stay healthy as well, don't neglect your own mental health.

What does he actually do during these periods - does he stay in bed behave lethargically, have very low mood?

Or does he do most of the normal stuff just not help you?

Would this post be the same if he had a physical illness that left him bed-ridden? Because it's the same thing. Poor mental health needs to be talked about and thought about in the same way as poor physical health. He has an illness. I doubt he wants to be feeling or acting the way he does. I'm sure he'd love to be able to get out of bed and help with the kids and go to work feeling "normal" but he's sick. When will people start treating mental health the same way as they treat physical health? I completely completely know how you feel. My DP has a mental illness. I know what a slog it can be to be the partner. But they don't want it anymore than we do.

If his wife wasnt there what would he do? Ignore the kids? Not take care of them?

I think it would be the same post if he had a physical illness and was refusing to actively engage in lessening the chances of it hitting him during his well periods.

For example - I have been diagnosed with osteoporosis (at the glorious age of mid thirties no less). I COULD just do nothing when my bones are whole, sit on my arse, not bother taking any medication or supplements and then break bones and be sofa ridden for weeks on end. OR I could take the offered supplements and infusions and I could do my best to start working out like the doctor suggests in order to minimise my chances of breaking a bone.

if I've done everything I can to minimise the chances, and yet still break a bone, guaranteed my DH would be a HELL of a lot more sympathetic during the following six weeks than he would be if I'd sat on my arse and none nothing to minimise the chances of it happening.

Mental health is real and important yes, but if you actively refuse to engage in self care during your well periods then you're part of the problem.

God so much misunderstanding of depression.

Does it not even occur to posters that he is not magically just feeling well but gets those windows of seeming well because he is actively doing his best to manage his depression? I am sick and tired of seeing comments about the OP partner “not managing” his depression”when he is well” that is an oxymoron. He is feeling well because he is managing his depression. It’s when his focus and energy slip that he has a relapse.

you actively refuse to engage in self care during your well periods then you're part of the problem.

All he’s done is refuse group therapy which does not work for most people with clinical depression and can actually make then worse. He has completed CBT. He takes his medication. He IS actively engaging in trying to manage his illness.

If his wife wasnt there what would he do? Ignore the kids? Not take care of them?

Yes. And then Social Services would step in and take the children into care.

Is he doing anything to improve his mental health? Taking medication, accessing therapy, ensuring he is eating well, taking exercise, avoiding drugs and alcohol? It can be hard to do that if you have a mental health issue but as it's a long standing issue, he should be doing as much as he can to avoid triggers and manage his condition himself.