To want to be clear on the situation?

[VioletTurner]

Never thought about posting this on here but another post reminded me of the issue.

So I bought my first house in September with my BF (he had credit issues so isn't on the mortgage/land reg etc.). Its a beautiful 3 bed town house and I'm so happy with it!
The only room we've decorated so far is Bedroom 2, which is the guest room. So its the only room with absolutely no boxes in it.

My BF's mum has an issue with drugs/drink but I've never seen her 'on anything'. Her and her BF have violent arguments probably every other week. She has rang my BF holed up in their bathroom after barricading herself in because her BF is downstairs smashing things with an axe. So obviously a very volatile relationship. Its very often she 'leaves him' with a bag and stays elsewhere. Once, before we had the house, (we were in a 1 bed flat) my BF offered the couch if she ever left and couldn't get anywhere else. I even said this to her myself.

When she saw the house we were looking at, she joked that the spare room would be 'hers'. I didn't think much of it because most of my family said that when they came to visit (they're all over the UK), that would be 'their room'. Alarm bells started ringing when during another one of their fights, my BF's sister suggested she move stuff into our garage for the time being until she finds a place of her own. Now, if I was asked this I probably wouldn't have had an issue but to assume is another thing. Me and my BF weren't present for this convo.
His mum has come round to see us every other weekend for a cuppa and a catch up, and EVERY time she mentions her room. She even went up there to see if there would be 'space for her dresser'. I have spoken to my BF about my worry because as much as I don't mind her coming to stay if her BF is smashing the house up, I don't want a permanent house guest. Writing this makes me sound so mean, but I don't want her there all the time. Especially if she brings her drugs with her. He just thinks I'm overreacting and that his mum doesn't actually believe its her room, and she'll be moving in there when they have their last fight.

Opinions?

Next time she brings it up go "oh yeah right - just what we need - il get my mum to move in too shall I"? That's what I say to my own MIL when she hints at moving in with us when she's older!

You sound like me ten years ago - before I got old and started not giving a shit!
Noone in their right mind would want their in-laws or even their own parents moving in with them, never mind a drug dependent one in a relationship with an axe-weilding maniac! Don't be soft about it!

Wtaf have I just read!? Why you would have either of them in your home is totally beyond me.

Your boyfriend has bad credit scores so you couldn’t buy a house with him.
His mum has drink/drug problems and violent arguments with her partner.
Your boyfriend’s sister has never worked and has been trying to get you to produce £6k for her mum.

Are you sure this is a family you want to be getting closer to?

This. Frankly, they sound like a dubious bunch of freeloaders who make consistently poor choices.

I voted YABU because you bought a house with a man who has bad credit and a junkie mum.

OP, youbhavent bought a house with your boyfriend.
You bought a house on your own.

The house is yours and yours alone, he hasn’t paid anything towards it. Say hell no to his mum and if he doesn’t back you 100%, he goes too. He has no rights to stay at all.

Seriously, he sounds like a slow car crash - he’s not fundamentally worth this mess.

So confused as to why you bought a house on your own. Then allowed a boyfriend you cant communicate with, with a junkie mum who keeps saying she is going to move into your house, to move into your house

You dont sound mean. Be very clear. She's. Never having the room.

If he's only paying utilities then it's not his house lm afraid. A bit fat no from me. You will never get her out and will literally bring all her dramas into your house. Laugh hard when she mentions "her room"' and say "oh, my friend Jenny said just the same thing about the room, you both make me laugh!". Don't get into any debates about and no just for a few nights nonsense. You will never get her out. How about turning into a dressing room or gym or craft room. Being brutal but then you will have them both freeloading off you

she'll be moving in there when they have their last fight

No she will not. End of conversation.

It’s YOUR house.

Him paying the utilities dues NOT make it jointly owned.

A smart woman would give him his marching orders.

Seriously.

You have put your inheritance into that house. You have a bf with a bad credit rating and issues, his mother is an addict with a violent partner and you bf is telling you she will be moving in to the house YOU own

Seriously - send him
Packing.! He can go and look after his mother at her house

You can pay your yen utilities.

Move into the guest room while you do up YOUR bedroom how YOU want it

Look, I know this isn’t what you planned Shen you bought it, I know you’re going to say you love him & that he’s wonderful in other ways .... etc etc etc

But send him packing you’ll regret it if you don’t.

we were asked by my BF sister to help raise £6k for their mum to put a deposit down somewhere! His sister doesn't work (never has) and lives on handouts

And on top of this you're housing her son whose finances meant he wasn't able to contribute to the deposit?

You could well see another side of him if you refuse his DM a place to stay, but anyway I agree with a PP ... make quite sure that he knows he can be ejected any time you wish, and preferably before any more family members start seeing you as a cash cow

^ good points. Plus where does £6k come from?! Surely even with a months rent and deposit it would be less than that?!

I do hope you've protected yourself financially in case of a split with your DP.

I think they hall have you lined up as their cash cow!

Are you the only person in this scenario who is financially solvent with a job?!

Read "Here to Stay" by Mark Edwards. This will be all the persuasion you need to stand firm!!

I’d make it clear what you are offering is a place to stay for a week or two while she works out a place to rent. In the meantime, encourage her to create an escape fund.
Slowly collect a bit each week until she has a little nest egg squirreled away somewhere he can’t find it, like at your house.

@Fedup21 says it well. Given the sense of entitlement of the lot of them, you seem like a meal ticket, rather a gf with boundaries to be respected.

If you let her stay in that room even one night, she will never leave. And you will not be able to make her. And once your bf and his mother are in you flat, your life will be a living hell, and you will be outnumbered. Evicting people isn't easy. She's a drug addict, the daughter is a CF, and I doubt your bf has much backbone against them - if he hasn't shielded you from their behaviour. You might love him, but please think carefully about this. And your future. If you have kids, do you want them around drugs and violent physical abuse - how are you going to keep the mum away then?

Also you do realise there are some loopholes where if he contributes to bills, he can claim beneficial interest in your property, as a live in partner? Please draw up a Cohabitation Agreement that expressly states you do not intend to share the property. Also ensure he does not contribute towards any mortgage payments or renovations as he could still claim beneficial interest despite an agreement.

Please do you research on your rights v his, and do not let anyone into your home, unless you're protected, and you trust them - happily married couples who then divorce go to war over property every day. You're dealing with financial insolvency, addiction and manipulation. Protect yourself and your home and don't be blind because of love.

Surely even with a months rent and deposit it would be less than (£6000)?!

It probably would, yes - but if the extended family think they've found themselves a pot of gold, they're probably trying for whatever they can get while it lasts

it's your house. Completely yours.

Maybe get him to pay you rent ( which you put toward mortgage) and split bills half way to avoid any confusion.

Good points from JurassicParkaha too, about protecting yourself from any possible claim on the house

Let's just say that I wouldn't be at all surprised if he's already looked into this for himself ...

Congratulations on your fab new house OP.

Writing this makes me sound so mean, but I don't want her there all the time.
You don't sound at all mean, & nobody wants an uninvited guest 'all the time'
In your instance, you should be wary of allowing her ANY overnight- she & her daughter have a worrying sense of entitlement to your property & space, & I'd be concerned DP's mother would find excuses not to leave.

Especially if she brings her drugs with her. He just thinks I'm overreacting and that his mum doesn't actually believe its her room, and she'll be moving in there when they have their last fight.
Drugs or not, you dont need to put up with the prospect.
You also don't need to worry whether DP shares your concerns - it's not his house, it's yours, so it's not his decision to make, it's yours.

By the day- if at any point your feel challenged by DP or his family on this, you have every right to get tetchy. You are not responsible for his mother's drug use, volatile relationship, or housing requirements.
Make sure it stays that way!

I'd be very wary of getting involved with this family. Men often become more like their parents as they age - women too, but I've seen a few cases where you think "gosh how did that lovely son come from that crazy family?" and then in their 30s-40s they are more like their parents than you expected.

It's also about your children potentially spending time with them as grandparents--and they will. These men often want to fix their own childhoods and repair their own relationships with their parents when they become fathers. Also giving financial handouts etc. Unfortunately that expression about marrying into a family is true.