To want to be clear on the situation?

[VioletTurner]

Never thought about posting this on here but another post reminded me of the issue.

So I bought my first house in September with my BF (he had credit issues so isn't on the mortgage/land reg etc.). Its a beautiful 3 bed town house and I'm so happy with it!
The only room we've decorated so far is Bedroom 2, which is the guest room. So its the only room with absolutely no boxes in it.

My BF's mum has an issue with drugs/drink but I've never seen her 'on anything'. Her and her BF have violent arguments probably every other week. She has rang my BF holed up in their bathroom after barricading herself in because her BF is downstairs smashing things with an axe. So obviously a very volatile relationship. Its very often she 'leaves him' with a bag and stays elsewhere. Once, before we had the house, (we were in a 1 bed flat) my BF offered the couch if she ever left and couldn't get anywhere else. I even said this to her myself.

When she saw the house we were looking at, she joked that the spare room would be 'hers'. I didn't think much of it because most of my family said that when they came to visit (they're all over the UK), that would be 'their room'. Alarm bells started ringing when during another one of their fights, my BF's sister suggested she move stuff into our garage for the time being until she finds a place of her own. Now, if I was asked this I probably wouldn't have had an issue but to assume is another thing. Me and my BF weren't present for this convo.
His mum has come round to see us every other weekend for a cuppa and a catch up, and EVERY time she mentions her room. She even went up there to see if there would be 'space for her dresser'. I have spoken to my BF about my worry because as much as I don't mind her coming to stay if her BF is smashing the house up, I don't want a permanent house guest. Writing this makes me sound so mean, but I don't want her there all the time. Especially if she brings her drugs with her. He just thinks I'm overreacting and that his mum doesn't actually believe its her room, and she'll be moving in there when they have their last fight.

Opinions?

Definitely not. Don’t even let her stay “for a couple of nights”. She’ll have it claimed then.

Could you make a habit of having your family/friends to stay on the weekends she visits so she knows it’s a spare room for visitors. Have lots of conversations about “the spare room” furniture you need for it, wallpaper you’re thinking of buying for it etc.

It is not his house in any way, op. YOU own that house and you call the shots. Him paying utilities means fuck all. He needs to be keenly aware that he can be shown the door at any time you deem necessary.

It's your house then. You have the say. Don't allow this.

Starts off light heartedly, YANBU. Make it crystal clear she isn’t welcome and your spare room is for your guests or future kids etc. The house is yours though it’s very nice of you to include your BF. Trust your instincts if you feel she’s preparing to move in.
By saying the spare room is hers she’s trying to gauge your reaction.

Don't let her stay - she will move in on you. If she is in trouble with her BF identify some B&Bs near her where she can stay the night and your BF can pay.

Get moved into your newly decorated room yourself and enjoy it. Use it. Let the other rooms stay full of boxes. Don't let her stay, never, ever.

He is your lodger, don't gain another.

I hope to god she doesn't turn up one night with a suitcase (and a black eye). I couldn't possibly turn her away then!

Get the biggest elliptical machine you can afford and plunk it down in the very middle of your new exercise room.

Get your legals sorted OP.

OP, you need to be CRYSTAL CLEAR we both of them that it is not ‘her room’, it is your room, in your house, and she will not be moving in in any way shape or form.

The next time she or anyone else refers to it as her room you need to make it very clear joke or not that she cannot move in otherwise she may well just turn up one day

People are very keen to move into other people's houses. Don't let it happen!

If there are still boxes in all the other rooms, could you shift them all in the spare room so that it’s not functional for sleeping in?

Hopefully it wouldn’t take too many weeks of that before she got the message that it’s your spare room, not her bedroom.

If a desperate emergency occurs, she can sleep on the sofa on night one and she can apply for emergency or refuge housing next day. This will be better for her in the long term than staying with you.

People are very keen to move into other people's houses

Absolutely! The sense of entitlement from some people about other people’s house is astonishing!

I never thought of that... This is why I came here! Just hope that if I go with this her situation doesn't continue the way it does; break ups and make ups.
I never thought about emergency refuge either. Her and her BF rent the house they live in currently. I even suggested she stay with her daughter (my BF's sister) as she's closer to her, but she has no room for her. She's in a two bed with 3 kids. (and no garage) so it falls to us.
The last time a big fight happened we were asked by my BF sister to help raise £6k for their mum to put a deposit down somewhere! His sister doesn't work (never has) and lives on handouts.
I'm gonna stop now cause its turning into a rant.
Thank you for all your posts so far!

He only pays utilities?? Fuck that, next times she says it say "Mary you really need to stop calling it your room, this is my house, it's my room and it will never be anyone else's or house anyone else's furniture (I.e. her dresser)"

The last time a big fight happened we were asked by my BF sister to help raise £6k for their mum to put a deposit down somewhere! His sister doesn't work (never has) and lives on handouts.

Your boyfriend has bad credit scores so you couldn’t buy a house with him.
His mum has drink/drug problems and violent arguments with her partner.
Your boyfriend’s sister has never worked and has been trying to get you to produce £6k for her mum.

Are you sure this is a family you want to be getting closer to?

Sorry he pays the utilities, council tax, and the Virgin media (phone, tv & broadband). I have the car payments, insurance and mortgage payments. Its equally split between us though.

If I'm reading this correctly- you've lived there 4 months and she hasn't stayed yet, your SIL mentioned MIL storing some things at yours but your MIL hasn't done it, and your MIL has made the same joke about "her room" that your family members have made?

I think you're worrying about nothing.

Speak up, for Christ's sake.

I'd be dumping the lot of them personally. As others have said - you need to sort this clearly and with no room for further discussion. Next time she's turns up, even if she doesn't mention the room, which she will... "X, you keep calling that room yours. I don't know if you're joking, but i think it's fair to tell you that I would not be happy with you coming to live with me in MY house". Rinse and repeat. "Yes, I understand that, but you can't come and live in my house". "I don't know what gave you that impression, but that's why I felt I had to tell you now, you can't come and live here".

Or you could just say next time "Ha, ha! Very funny! I'd have a heart attack if you were serious about moving in".

I worry about your ability to communicate with your partner if he even thinks his mother moving in is a possibility, plus the fact you haven't had a very clear discussion about this. Keeping your mouth shut will spell doom for your relationship.

Or you could just say next time "Ha, ha! Very funny! I'd have a heart attack if you were serious about moving in

^this^^^