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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In laws not coming to my 50th party

94 replies

WorkHardPlayHard1 · 22/01/2020 22:56

Aibu to be upset as my inlaws have told my partner (not me) they are not coming to my party as minding the favoured sons child on the night (who have a pre-arranged do & aren't coming either) i have given them 8 weeks notice. Have been married 20 years to their child and known them 23 years. Everyone else seems to be able to get a babysitter? HmmComments please...

OP posts:
ChicCroissant · 23/01/2020 00:08

I do get the feeling that the OP is trying to imply something in the hope that we'll pick it up but I'm not sure what that is! It does seem to be tied up with the 'favoured son' though. Maybe Pyongyang has found it with the IL being told they are babysitting.

Womenwotlunch · 23/01/2020 00:14

YanBu
I don’t know how anyone can think that you are. This is not just any old birthday, this is a significant one and I can definitely understand why you would be upset.
How would your PIL feel if you didn’t attend a birthday party that they had arranged?I bet that they would be annoyed.
Op, I would just suck it up and enjoy the party. However, if your in laws have any family events / parties etc, you are not compelled to attend them.

SandyY2K · 23/01/2020 00:15

All ILs invited its a celebration!?

So did your BIL decline the invite?

Did your PILS accept and confirm attendance, then back out due to babysitting?

From what you describe, if BIL is highly favoured over your DH...this shouldn't be a suprise to you.

It's not fair that he's treated better than your DH... but I presume they've never been pulled up on it....or they don't care.

In which case, why are you so bothered about PILS, who treat your DH less favourably?

ChicCroissant · 23/01/2020 00:18

Did your PIL say they were going at first, OP?

lborgia · 23/01/2020 00:18

Ok, so reading the lines, and inbetween them,

1 - pils accepted party invite
2 - bil didn't want to go to party so thought they'd make sure they had another arrangement
3 - pils mention party and bil says "oh, but we need you to babysit that evening"
4 - pils have spent his entire life moving their lives to accommodate him so immediately change their own plans. Even though bil could just stay home with own sodding children.

If so, this is real, and happens all the time. Just because most of you haven't experienced it, doesn't mean it's not true.

OP ignore all of them, and have a fabulous party. Best revenge is a life well lived and all that. Pity in ils, their life isn't going to change whilst they pander to the bil.

lborgia · 23/01/2020 00:21

Ps, am trying to figure out how to have an everyone 50th without my in laws even being involved. I may be expecting similar side-drama.

Original poster
WorkHardPlayHard1 · 23/01/2020 00:31

Iborgia you were right on a lot!!
Heard nothing from ILs so thought it strange? No-one replied. Then heard 2 weeks later via DH who is a tad sad about it too Shock

OP posts:
Livelovebehappy · 23/01/2020 00:48

Guess you check first with the people you really want at your party, whether they’re free that particular night, and then rearrange if not. Seeing as you don’t appear to have checked with them, that you aren’t really bothered?

Purpleartichoke · 23/01/2020 00:58

I have booked my ILs for a night of babysitting almost a year in advance. I know they have it in the calendar, but if someone asks them off the cuff if they are free that date, they wouldn’t know for sure without checking the calendar and they might not remember even which month it is and not discover the conflict until they went to the calendar, but thankfully, I trust they will keep their commitment barring illness.

Decidewhattobeandgobeit · 23/01/2020 01:21

Your in laws are in late 60s and your turning 50!? That’s not much of an age gap

TimeForPlentyIn2020 · 23/01/2020 01:37

Jesus Christ, only on Mumsnet would people say YABU. If the babysitting was only mentioned when they told the other son about the party, then that’s doubly awful behaviour. I would be tempted to tell them so too. Probably wouldn’t though, but still...

Hope you have a lovely party.

sleepylittlebunnies · 23/01/2020 01:52

Does it matter what the age gap is? It has no relevance. My parents and in laws get on well and would be up for it and my parents are mid to late 70’s.

lborgia · 23/01/2020 02:53

@WorkHardPlayHard1 - hmm, my spidey sense is pretty shit hot for this kind of behaviour. Make your own plans, don't let the old have any impact on your life at all. Not least for DH's emotional wellbeing.

HannaYeah · 23/01/2020 02:59

I would be hurt.

Marnie76 · 23/01/2020 06:34

poster Decidewhattobeandgobeit Thu 23-Jan-20 01:21:18
Your in laws are in late 60s and your turning 50!? That’s not much of an age gap

Not everyone marries someone the same age as them

mummmy2017 · 23/01/2020 08:31

When you ask someone to a party , they are allowed to say no.
Why do you have the right to demand your feelings matter more.
Yes you can feel hurt, but it changes nothing.
Imagine being expected to go to a swimming party at 50 if your frightened of water.

bohemia14 · 23/01/2020 08:42

YANBU to be hurt by this.

The ageism on this thread is shocking. Just because someone is over 70 (I know the in laws are younger) it doesn't mean they can't enjoy a party in a bar. Fun loving people are fun loving people at any age. I was recently at a 40th birthday party where an 89 year old was drinking and dancing with the best of them.

MuchBetterNow · 23/01/2020 08:52

This is one of those mn parallel universe threads. In real life most people would say “that’s a bit shabby I can understand why you’re feeling put out “ on here it’s all a load of nonsense about “how dare you celebrate your birthday and expect people to join you”

The wilful unpleasantness on here can be astounding.

bohemia14 · 23/01/2020 09:04

@MuchBetterNow I agree.

lowlandLucky · 23/01/2020 09:41

Katy1213 I am 52 and my ex MIL is 69, not everyone has children in their 30s

Butterymuffin · 23/01/2020 09:45

Keep it in mind for when they need more help and looking after as age takes its toll - as this will be when they expect you and your husband to do the work while favoured son gets on with his life. Remember then that you're not a priority for them.

Africa2go · 23/01/2020 11:01

This is one of those mn parallel universe threads. In real life most people would say “that’s a bit shabby I can understand why you’re feeling put out"

I don't think that's right. Most people would say, right, I'm having a birthday party for my 50th, I definitely want X, Y and Z there, so I'll give them a call before I book anything to make sure they can make it.

If you don't do that to check their availability, and X, Y and Z, can't make the date you've booked, why is it shabby?

OP, it sounds as though if you didn't hear for 2 weeks then your PILs realised they were already babysitting for your BIL, they maybe asked if BIL could find someone else, BIL says no, and then they decline invite. Unless there's a whole back story, its just one of those things.

HannaYeah · 23/01/2020 11:04

@africa2go

I think the BIL asked the parents to babysit after the birthday party invitation had been issued.

They could have said they already had plans, please find someone else.

Aderyn19 · 23/01/2020 11:19

What is Bil's pre booked event? It might be something that has cost a lot of money or be difficult to get out of without causing offense. If it's just dinner out with his wife then I think he ought to change the date.
Also it depends on whether his children can be looked after by a babysitter. Not everyone knows a good babysitter that they trust completely and not all children can be left with one easily.
I'm not sure it's wrong to prioritise their son's plans over their dil's. Yes, it would be nice if they went but you can't assume that people can just fit in with your plans, especially if you didn't ask them before you made those plans.

Africa2go · 23/01/2020 11:32

I think the BIL asked the parents to babysit after the birthday party invitation had been issued

No, the OP says they didnt realise they were babysitting until BIL mentioned it, thats different from only asking after BIL knew about the party. My take on it (because OP hasnt made it clear) is that BIL asked PIL to babysit on 5th March, say. PILs don't have plans, they say of course and say they'll sort the details nearer the time. PIL/BIL then hear about OPs party, BIL says it clashes with the night that they've already agreed to babysit.

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