AIBU 13 year old son no mobile in bedroom

[mrshoho]

Been told I'm the worst mum ever and that no one else he knows is not allowed to have their phone at bedtime. He's really pushing it and dh just went in and yelled at him as he was stomping about. DH has to be up at 5.45 am everyday. Getting fed up of this battle but I know he's shattered and needs to sleep. My Son is waffling on how unfair his life is blah blah blah. I've told him to read or listen to the radio. What happens with your teens?

YANBU My DC are 14 (nearly 15) and 16. Both their phones and iPads go on charge in sight in the living room when they go to bed. The only exception to this is if they are having a sleepover with friends. It allows them some down time to relax rest and sleep without interruption and protects them. At 13 DD was being bullied and receiving all kinds of horrendous messages thank goodness she has I friended most of them now and this wasn’t happening in her bedroom late at night when she was on her own.

DD has her phone in her bedroom overnight, but has the Google Family Link app installed.
I can set bedtimes, daily limits for apps, time to take a break from the phone etc. I can also turn her phone off from mine, if she's not getting on with homework.

Yes, Google Family Link here too! It's brilliant! DS's (12) phone goes off at 9pm, on at 7.30am, limits set for use and if he takes the piss, I can just turn it off from my phone.

He's not allowed his phone in his room, ever. I don't want him using it last thing at night or first thing in the morning. If he wants to listen to a podcast or music in his room, he can put it through his Bluetooth speaker but the phone stays out!

I’m an ex secondary teacher. I could tell which students had their phones over night and which didn’t. Kids would be on and off their phones all night.

@Selfsettling3 doesn't happen in MN land apparently

I'm really glad that so many people do have this rule though.

This is fascinating. I was a teen 10 years ago and despite having fairly strict parents in other ways, this wasn't ever a consideration. Perhaps it was different as internet and phones wasn't such a thing until I was an older teen - but I had Facebook from about 11 or 12, always had access to my phone overnight, had a laptop in my room overnight etc.

I read plenty. I texted friends and boys too late plenty and learned from it! How do you expect teens to go off to uni/into the working world and know how to regulate if you don't let them?

I do understand if they are very young, or have experienced bullying issues, or don't sleep well and this is exacerbating it.

My DS 14 has always had his phone when he wants it. He plays out, he does his homework, he goes to sleep. I sleep with mine next to my bed and so does DH. I don't see the issue. He isn't going to ring his drug dealer and sneak out of the window!

You must know YANBU!
It doesn't matter if your ds complains and whinges about it. I would impose a ban hours before bedtime if my son had a tantrum about it.

My 11_year old has hers at night but it is on trust. She knows it's a privilege not a right. If she was on it after 9 she'd loose it for a month. Normally she's asleep by then anyway so not an issue but of course it might change when she hits the teenage years.

I agree re trust, both mine know they would have it taken away if they abuse our trust. We go to bed pretty late and I can honestly say there has not been one occasion when they have been on their phones when they shouldn't. They get up for school ok every day, do lots of activities and perform well in all they do.

I see no reason to take their phones away at 9pm as they have earned our trust and have shown no signs of any bad effects. I have discussed with their teachers as our eldest is a real night owl (DH the same and needs very little sleep) and they said out of all the class he is definitely one who does not appear to not have enough sleep.

It's all about trust and independence, I feel it is sad that so many teens have to have extremely strict rules in place with regards to this, it makes me wonder how they will manage in RL when they are not being micro managed.

All that said, I definitely would have no issue banning the phones if need be, they definitely don't just do as they please. I have had an issue with DS1 not doing homework or organising himself which although is nothing to with his phone or internet as he is doing other stuff instead of that but just poor self discipline so for a few days we insisted straight indoors after school or activity, homework, music practice, stuff ready for the next day then he can do as he pleases and he is now back to that without us prompting him.

I salute you all for sticking to your guns re phones in bedrooms. Your DC will thank you in the end (well they may not actually thank you but ykwim). DD is at uni and actively switches off phone at 9pm some nights bc she recognised her sleep hygiene is a bit rubbish.

My 10 and 13 year old want to watch love island. I’m against it completely anyway but think the 10 year old especially is too young. ‘All their friends are watching it’ apparently. I’m not sure if I’m in the wrong for setting them apart from their friends. It’s hard!

My son is 13 and I showed him this clip the other day and said who does this remind you of. He watched with an angry face and then I definitely spotted a small smile but he managed to get back to angry as he handed back the phone 🤣. Stick to your guns and good luck with the coming years, I think we’ll need it!

m.youtube.com/watch?v=dLuEY6jN6gY

@TheoneandObi so does my 13 yo DS (well maybe not 9pm as often he is not home till not long before then but at a reasonable time anyway) and we have never forcefully removed his phone. I am not sure why people can't recognise that everyone is different and different methods also work! It is also said that forbidding something means that when kids do have freedom they go crazy. Maybe your DDs sleep hygiene is poor because she goes crazy now she's allowed to have her phone at night after having tight restrictions.

I actually think it's good for DCs to realise this (as your DD does), I don't believe it hurts to have the odd late night which then in turn teaches DCs its tough the next day at school/college when you are tired which will encourage them to have an early night.

@TeddybearBaby I genuinely believe that most 13 and 10 yos are watching it if my DSs friends are anything to go by. My boys are not interested at all and have said as much but I wouldn't necessarily say no to it as it's pretty tame these days (the early series I wouldn't want my 10 yo watching for sure!). We have already discussed how awful some of the 'games' they play on there are as there are always highlights on breakfast tv when they are getting ready for school so we have used it to discuss normal behaviour etc

@ Changeofname79 it’s hard for me because I feel so passionately about it. I hate reality tv generally but this one in particular is based entirely on looks.

I’ve always said I’d have nothing to do with it, just think the message is totally shit. I always say to my friends who watch it ‘if my two thought the best they could do in life was go on a show like that I’d be heartbroken and wonder where I’d gone wrong’. They all agreed that they’d feel the same. So then how can you watch?!

My two have only mentioned it once but I know it’s something I’ll probably have to give into eventually 😔.

I get where you are coming from but it is just a tv show and it's a good way to bring up those topics if they do end up watching it, essentially you feel passionately about it but that doesnt mean your DCs will or that they should. It's just personal preference. I do think that if you feel they are too young fair enough but of it is just because you dislike it then I don't think that's right. We all have different tastes.

I don't disagree that it's a pile of shit though

Mine are 13 and almost 15 and have free reign on their phones. They're well behaved, doing well at school and know when they need to sleep so I'm happy with it. If that changed then I guess I'd implement some rules.

As for taking an almost 18 year olds phone away at night...just wow. Poor "kid" (almost adult!). There's no trust there is there 😂

at 13 I think you're dead right

@sparepantsandtoothbrush exactly that, I am not sure why so many people on MN don't get it and impose crazy restrictions on nearly adults. There are some kids f all ages that revel in responsibility and independence, they don't automatically just abuse it all.

Unfortunately my 13 yo can’t self moderate and needs firm boundaries so we have to remove gadgets from his room. Even though he means well and turns off notifications, sound etc he currently has issues with sleep, stating he wakes up through the night, with a iPad or iPhone charging on his bedside table, it would be too tempting to pick up in the small hours.

I can imagine what my reaction would have been if someone had tried to tell me I could met have my own phone at night at 18. Uncontrollable laughter being first and foremost. That said, I worked and paid for my own house at 16 so I cannot imagine someone telling me I wasn't mature enough to do as I wished. Who are these late teens who have a 10 or 11pm bedtime?

*couldn't not could met

@BronteSisters its like a different MN planet isnt it?! You should see the other thread and the 'reasons' the parents give. No wonder young people struggle in full time work etc as they have been wrapped in cotton wool.

Young people are very much babied these days. I was watching an interview on TV a couple of months back and the interviewers asked the interviewee if they had children, they look horrified and said of course not, I am only 28. It struck me then how immature people are now compared to 30 years ago. It's definitely not a good thing.

We have total control over their phones/iPads because we are the adults.

Alternatively Download qustodio and make it so after a certain time he can’t have access to the apps.

Ds (13) has to charge his phone in my bedroom on school nights. If he was shitty about that I'd change the rule to every night.