Kill DP for giving July off?

[Goingawayistricky]

I teach, DP is self employed. I have sole care of the children from a previous relationship . We don’t live together but we are very long term.

He has always worked a bit over school summer holidays, meaning I don’t really get to enjoy the one real perk of teaching with him. Fair enough , I do my own thing with the kids usually which is fine but expensive. Obviously I can’t get holiday at other times like regular jobs, whereas he absolutely can pick and chose work.

This year is especially annoying, as weirdly all the children are away for three weeks in summer holidays. Basically that’s a fabulous opportunity we rarely get.
DP’s job is very very cool but is freelance. So obviously that trumps teaching. He will have weeks of time off and then a couple of lucaruitive jobs booked, He can’t relate to rotas and set time off despite the whole point of the six week holiday

I am building a patio because he has just sent me his work dates and informed me happily he’s free “ all of July”. Great.Grrrrrr The month every teacher is counting down. But busy all August. My child free, paid long holiday.

Do so either potter around, or spend a fortune on a holiday for one, or buy hungry pigs for the back garden.

If you're self employed then you take the work when you can get it!

Like a PP said when you book a holiday for two weeks, not only are you paying for the cost of the holiday, you're also losing out on two weeks of paid work too. DH is self-employed and can earn upto 1k a week in busy periods - going on holiday when that kind of work is available would be madness.

He takes his holiday during the quiet times and I just fit around him. Most people don't have the luxury of having the whole of August off work!

not convinced this bloke has done anything to deserve the title of partner

I'm self-employed. I worked on Xmas Day, Boxing Day, New Years Eve. I haven't had a day off in two months. I'm glad for the money but self-employment takes an unbelievable amount of stamina. You take the work when it is there and you don't complain. When there's a chance for a break, you take it and you are bloody grateful, no matter what time of year it is.

Business trips are not holidays, even with a rest day. They just pile on extra work because of admin and travelling time. While he is working on those days, attending to the client he has gone there to visit, emails will pour in from other clients, suppliers, event organisers, the bank, his accountant, HMRC, and the 'rest day' will be spent fire-fighting all of that stuff.

I'm trying to take a week off to get married in June and even telling people that does not stop them pestering me and insisting on trying to put things in my diary for that week. You have to hold them at bay with a pitchfork.

When a quiet period comes, as it will do eventually this year, maybe in the second half of the year, that's when it is time for a holiday.

Totally not the point, but wondering what freelance job it is that he’s off work all of July (and knows this already) and heading to Sydney, HK etc as does sound very cool!

Agree with @adaline and the other self-employed posters. Your partner doesn't get to choose when he is off if he wants to earn a decent living.

Even when I go abroad for long weekend breaks I have potential clients ringing, emailing and even texting me because I haven't got back to them within an hour.

@LuluBellaBlue airports, hotels and offices aren't cool. If you are lucky and can spend a minimum of a month in a place you can get to see some of it when you aren't working.

You don’t live together. They are not his kids. I’m not sure why you saying Fair enough , I do my own thing with the kids usually which is fine but expensive has any relevance.

You have at least 10 days off when he does. That’s pretty normal for a one chunk of holiday for anyone in any non term time job.

I am freelance. I take work when I can get it but there will be returning jobs I hope to get or be told are for me in advance which help me plan holiday. It sounds like he is expecting a contract in August and has decided he will take a break in between contracts before then rather than take something else back to back...

I think what the OP is saying is that her partner might have thought the relationship mattered enough for him to have had a conversation about the summer before telling her. But I suppose he and his job are too important. He’s clearly very happy - too bad she isn’t - but hey that will teach teachers to think they are special.

Have you actually spoken to him, explaining that you would like to spend some child free time with him, whilst the opportunity is there?

My OH is self employed, when the kids were younger we always set aside 1 week during summer holidays for a family holiday, he just put in his diary early enough in the year to then be able to tell customers what dates he was/wasn't available. Most of the holidays at that time were uk camping ones so if a big job had come in & wanted that specific date, we more then likely would have re-arranged our holiday but his customers have always been willing to work around his dates so far.
Also regarding the patio, he will probably prefer getting on with it whilst you are at work, my OH hates people hanging around as it slows the job down. He much prefers just getting on with the job in hand, rather then stopping for small chit chat whilst he's trying to work.

I think what the OP is saying is that her partner might have thought the relationship mattered enough for him to have had a conversation about the summer before telling her. But I suppose he and his job are too important.

What kind of a conversation would you want him to have? When you're self employed you don't have a choice - you take the work when it's offered to you!

Lots of people here who clearly have no experience of being self employed or of having a self employed partner!

Annoying, but not worth killing for.
DH is self employed, works when he has work. Worked all of the summer holidays last year, which was slightly annoying. And I’m not a teacher so only had a couple of weeks off and juggled the rest of it. He’s still alive and the mortgage was paid. DC were a bit grumpy, but are also over it now. Just the way it is with freelancing

What kind of a conversation would you want him to have?
A conversation about the work offered? and how he can’t get August off - but would still like tome with her - being as how they are partners and that?
Just maybe?
Or are he and his work just too important for that?

They don't live together though and the children aren't his. He should be able to take whatever work he wants.

If they lived together and childcare was a shared responsibility it would be different, but that's not the case.

He's self employed and most people in that situation can't afford to turn down work. DH often comes home and he has to work late or over the weekend to get a project done - that's just how it is and it means he gets paid!

If he turns down too much work or makes a fuss about it, he just won't get offered anymore work from that employer anymore and word will spread that he's unreliable and to hire someone else instead.

If he has choice I would say something quite assertive about this. And ask him why the hell has he chosen to work for the whole of August when you are off, and tell him to fuck off and enjoy his July while you are working.

Wow!

You know most couples don't have three weeks solid of faffing around together if work in the summer right?!

He’s your very long term partner, but you don’t live together and now you are not going on holiday together. I don’t think it’s at all unreasonable that as a freelance he has to take his holidays where he can, I also don’t think you are unreasonable to be a a bit sad at spending your much longer for summer holiday on your own. I do wonder how your relationship actually works on these terms. Lots of us cope with diverging holiday allocations and partners who travel for work, but usually by living in the same house so we can benefit to the max from every evening and weekend we can spend together. I’m not sure of the significance of your building a patio - is he coming over in July to do it for you (in which case he’s a keeper) or is he jetting off somewhere on his own in which case I think you should do the same in August.

Sorry just re-read and now realise you mean burying him under the patio or feeding him to the pigs.

Plan a nice holiday for the end of July, with your DP, getting away as soon as you finish school so it fits in before his August workload (which may involve travel but not necessarily be much of a 'break away' for him!) Then plan a family holiday for later in the summer and/or lots of activities and days out - whatever you can afford. Maybe a long summer trip together lies in the future but he can't do it now if he has to take advantage of the work coming his way. Are you suggesting he should have turned that down?

He can’t relate to rotas and set time off

How does he approach taking time off? Or doesn't he?

Is the DC father not in the picture to do any childcare?

He can’t relate to rotas and set time off despite the whole point of the six week holiday

He's an adult who can't relate to the working pattern of his long-term partner?

Of course he can - what he actually means is, he wont.

^ this

"He's an adult who can't relate to the working pattern of his long-term partner?
Of course he can - what he actually means is, he wont."

Or, of course, he's a freelance contractor who has to take work as it comes and he's a responsible human being with bills to pay.

Frankly OP you sound like hard work. If I was him, I'd sack you off and live the happy single life instead.

DP’s job is very very cool but is freelance. So obviously that trumps teaching. I don't understand this sentence. What's 'coolness' got to do with anything? Why and how does coolness trump teaching? The relevant features of your jobs are flexibility and pay, not 'coolness'.

He can’t relate to rotas and set time off despite the whole point of the six week holiday He's either an intelligent adult, or he isn't. He has a lucrative freelance business, ergo he is. He understands perfectly well, he just isn't that bothered about spending holidays with you. If he was, he'd book you in, like a job and plan his other projects around that.

Were I you, I'd book on a fantastic guided trip to somewhere you wouldn't get to go easily otherwise, with a company like Exodus or Explore. And/or set off around Europe on a train, what a fantastic opportunity! Interpol optional, depending on whether he is under the patio or not.

In the end, it's either a case of his feeling insecure about his business, so needing to be available at all times (except when already working), which may be very real - if he lives off 2 or 3 contracts a year, missing one would have a huge proportional impact on his income. Is there a reputational issue too, that if clients find out he's making himself unavailable, for anything other than another piece of work, they'll lose confidence, overlook him and use someone else?

Or, he's just not that into you.

Or, of course, he's a freelance contractor who has to take work as it comes and he's a responsible human being with bills to pay

And wouldn't he say that rather than not being able to relate to a very simple concept?

"Really sorry, I know its not good timing but I can't turn down X"

If he can't be arsed to prioritise going on holiday with you and get time off at the right time, then maybe he isn't that into you and not worth the effort.

I definitely second going on an Explore holiday. We've been on one as a couple, but were in a group of 14 with a mixture of couples and single travellers. You might even meet someone else, but you'd almost certainly have a laugh anyway.

But, you do have the last week of July together, don't you? So you can plan a week away together.

It would be really odd to expect most working people to be able to take a three week holiday, at any time.

The problem here may partly be that you're viewing his situation through the lens of 'teacher privilege'; being accustomed to unusually long holidays at predictable times.

So, rather than him not understanding fixed working hours, you are failing to understand the precariousness of freelancing. You're perceiving him to have 'holiday' when actually he's underemployed, or 'resting' when unwanted, between jobs.

The question is, how much flexibility does he actually have about when he works and when he 'rests'. There is a huge difference between resting between jobs and being able to plan to take time off.