EW and CMS

[kitchen123]

NC for this as could be outing.

DH has two children. One in junior and one in senior school. I get along really well with them and exchange pleasantries every time I've seen his EW.

Things has got bad between DH and his EW and they haven't spoke for months, only email.

EW went to CMS to recalculate the CM as she wanted more. DH provided documents and CMS reduced his payment significantly. Turns out he was massively overpaying and they told him to reduce. He decided to reduce as EW was being extremely difficult and was threatening him with all sorts of legal action / reporting him to HMRC (false allegations). He asked her to stop, she didn't so got the solicitor involved.

EW is now preventing DH from taking children away on holiday but still allows contact EOWend. EW tells children they could go away with EH but then changed her mind when he went to double check with her. EW tells kids EX isn't paying the right amount of CM (he is, but it's not the high amount she wants). FYI no access order in place.

EW now threatening she will lose house as can't afford it but has somehow managed to book two week villa holiday and tickets to an expensive event, all in the space of the last few weeks.

I will support DH but want to be fair too.

EW works and EH wants to actively
have DSC more, without the threat of reducing the CM she would receive.

What advice would you give? He does listen to my opinion.

Thanks

I should add that DH continues to pay half of all school trips and related leisure activities, buys most of their clothes which are kept at his EW house as that makes sense being they're there more than they are with us. Pays for both mobile phones, makes monthly pocket money payments to both children directly and paying into a monthly saving account

The only thing he can do is go to court.

Go to court and get permission to take the children away

If he wants to have the kids more while she’s working then he could agree not to reduce maintenance (would he be having extra overnights? That’s the only way it would reduce) if he is ok with that

He should definitely go to court if he can over the holiday situation

So she’s booked a holiday recently but can’t afford the rent? No doubt she blames the reduction in maintenance for that. She’ll just have to cut back on holidays won’t she? We all have to cut our cloths from time to time.

I think he should continue to pay the new amount and pay towards the extras he pays for. He’s done nothing wrong. And as for not allowing your dh to take the children on holiday... she’s just punishing her children.

He could have them an extra night per week but not every week as he's often not back until very late because of work.

He doesn't want to have to go to court but has said he would as a last option. Court will involve more costs for her. He's trying to get her to understand before going nuclear!

He asked my opinion and I suggested mediation

Unfortunately playing tit for tat is a dangerous game. Children need a least one of their parents to act with some sanity to prevent game playing. CMS payments are a legal minimum and in by far the majority of cases, do not begin to reflect a fair chunk of what it costs to raise a child.

I would suggest mediation with a view to an open and frank discussion about child related costs and how they can be met fairly by both parties, probably in proportion to respective incomes. You may then find that objections to holidays and additional contact disappear.

He could have them an extra night per week but not every week as he's often not back until very late because of work

So you expect his ex to work around his irregular work patterns?

@Sotiredofthislife quite the opposite. I believe unless he can commit to a regular additional night then it would do no one any favours to have their routine messed around with, particularly the DSC or the EW

@Sotiredofthislife that's a good suggestion and one that I'd expect to part of any discussion. So far his attempts at a discussion have resulted in zero feedback but good idea. I'll pass that on. Thanks

Does anyone have any experience of mediation? I'm aware that it must take place before any court proceedings occur, does his EW HAVE to attend mediation? What's the process?

I’d go to the court re the holiday.

Re the maintenance, it’s up to him if he wants to pay more than CMS minimum, but to remember that it’s just a minimum.

So he's paying the CMS recommended minimum plus all the extras you mention? I think that's perfectly reasonable.

I would encourage him to go to court to seek a CAO that formalises the current contact plus holidays.

@Welshmaenad DH pays CMS advised amount plus all the extras previously mentioned.
We do lots of activities with DSC on top but that's our choice so those costs are not factored into this equation

She threatened to report him to HMRC? Let me guess, he's self employed? Does he earn over £150k?

Sorry, that sounded harsher than intended... It just seems strange that your DH was happy and could afford to pay "significantly" more than the CMS minimum and extras on top but isn't any more. Didn't he check the calculator before or take advice?

@goingoverground no he's definitely not earning over £150k. He earns c. £40k
To give some additional context as to why this has flared up I earn a very good wage and have a large property. DH and I do have nice holidays (which I pay for as I'm the higher earner). Seems that doesn't go down well. I've always tried to keep it low key but kids have said where we've been recently and EW isn't happy he's living a life she wanted (it has been specifically referenced - I'm not bragging for the sake of MN)

I think the earlier suggestion of looking at what the DSC needs are in terms of financing is a good idea. So long as his EW will agree to give that information of course.
I would have thought that what he's currently paying via the CMS is fair plus the extras but it's good to see he figures on paper

@goingoverground he didn't query the previous CMS amount as EW had previously been okay(ish) in terms of being able to take the DSC away on holiday and had been flexible re access (as has my DH) but it's all changed.

How much does he pay op

He can got to court for permission for holidays, it's pretty straightforward as clearly no safeguarding concerns here

Oh my goodness you could be me!

You actually won’t be accepted to court without going to mediation first and at least trying it. Mediation is very female swayed but it can be helpful. My DH and his ex did it 2 years ago and I would say mixed results. He can go to court to be allowed to go on holiday but to be fair, usually just a solicitors letter is enough threatening court. Very few judges deny a parent the chance to take a child abroad if It’s during the school holidays etc. Sounds like your DH is very fair in what he pays her and she shouldn’t be involving the kids in their adult matters.

I would say my DH and ex can’t talk very much without it becoming ridiculous either; so they communicate through me as the middle man. They agreed to this and it nearly always works well. Then I can word things to him in a way that he responds well to and I can tell her things woman to woman

@ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 about £500 pcm through CMS plus the extras as detailed before which are advised by EW as and when they are needed

@ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 I really don't want to get in the middle of a war. I'd rather remain as Switzerland (ie neutral!)

@happycamper11 I really don't want it to have to come to court. Surely that's in no one's best interests.

Can’t understand what the woman’s problem is. Her children’s father was paying way over the CMS minimum plus paying for half of clothes/school trips/activities, paying for mobiles and pockets money also... and yet she’s still attacking him and looking for more? Whatever planet she’s on, it’s not this one anyway.
Agree with PP, get a formal contact arrangement sorted ASAP. The kids are old enough to have their opinions taken into account and it sounds like he does a lot with and for them. Don’t let this drag on and poison their relationship.