EW and CMS

[kitchen123]

NC for this as could be outing.

DH has two children. One in junior and one in senior school. I get along really well with them and exchange pleasantries every time I've seen his EW.

Things has got bad between DH and his EW and they haven't spoke for months, only email.

EW went to CMS to recalculate the CM as she wanted more. DH provided documents and CMS reduced his payment significantly. Turns out he was massively overpaying and they told him to reduce. He decided to reduce as EW was being extremely difficult and was threatening him with all sorts of legal action / reporting him to HMRC (false allegations). He asked her to stop, she didn't so got the solicitor involved.

EW is now preventing DH from taking children away on holiday but still allows contact EOWend. EW tells children they could go away with EH but then changed her mind when he went to double check with her. EW tells kids EX isn't paying the right amount of CM (he is, but it's not the high amount she wants). FYI no access order in place.

EW now threatening she will lose house as can't afford it but has somehow managed to book two week villa holiday and tickets to an expensive event, all in the space of the last few weeks.

I will support DH but want to be fair too.

EW works and EH wants to actively
have DSC more, without the threat of reducing the CM she would receive.

What advice would you give? He does listen to my opinion.

Thanks

Lost sympathy with the point that he cannot have his children an extra night due to work.
Agree that mediation is a first step but mediation requires compromise on both sides. It is not a tool to browbeat one side into giving you what you want. So your husband needs to think about what he is going to offer in mediation as well - to re-think his financial contribution? To change his work schedule? I would love to work extra to get through my workload and get promoted - I cannot because I have children to attend to. I have a dim view of a man who is insisting on his holiday time but cannot adapt his work schedule to do more routine care.
I also have a dim view of him needing his wife to come on and take advice for him.

Lost sympathy with the point that he cannot have his children an extra night due to work.

agree, ex is good enough to provide free childcare as it seems to enable him working full-time without (I guess sucking up childcare costs) but the ex is vilified as she wants more than £5/day/child.

Actually more accurately, I have a dim view of you coming on and spilling all her financial details for public dissection.

If your DH pays for a lot of extras then I would just pay the CMS amount

Personally I would go to mediation and court as this will allow you to have things like holidays put in place and prevent EW from agreeing and then changing her mind a week before your supposed to go with the DSC. It will also mean if EW prevents access to the kids you have greater backing to do something about it.
A extra night a week may be difficult unless you can guarantee a schedule of when it will be.
Prior to court mediation will have to be done anyways. And court dosent have to cost EW hugely as she could self present and some people who have put the time and effort into it have done so well, but I would suggest your DH gets solicitor if you can afford too.

Regarding holidays and contact being threatened I would suggest going to see a solicitor even if you dont initially intend to take it to court to get some more legal based advice, if you can afford to do so

FFS. Not having enough money to pay for everything doesn’t make someone ‘incompetent’.

No, but paying for expensive holidays and trips instead of rent for the roof over your childrens heads would seem to indicate a fucking idiot.

Where does it say she's not paying rent? Why shouldn't she have a holiday with a proportion of her earned salary that is freed up by the other parent if their children paying a fair share? Also yy to the not having the extra night due to work. He either needs to drop his hours, rearrange things, look for alternative employment or acknowledge the fact that he earns 40k partly because his ex is facilitating this with childcare. £200pm seems a reasonable amount for that actually.

EW now threatening she will lose house as can't afford it but has somehow managed to book two week villa holiday and tickets to an expensive event, all in the space of the last few weeks.

It’s in the OP. At best she’s a fucking idiot, at worst she is a manipulative liar. Or maybe OP is telling or has been told lies, who knows.
Bottom line is you pay your bills before luxuries. I’d like to take my kids to Disneyland but do you know what? The mortgage is more important.
As for the extra night because of work thing, I do agree with you. So often the mother that has to somehow make the changes but dads somehow “can’t”.
My DH has had similar discussions with his ex. In his case he said he could change his work patterns to be available on set night every week but that would mean a large drop in income (and therefore maintenance, which is paid well over the CMS level before anyone starts on me) because he would lose overtime, unsociable hours and on call payments, and it would also mean he would be unable to work as flexibly as he currently does. This flexibility allows him to be there for emergencies, illnesses, last minute childcare disasters, bloody elections school closures etc. So she knows it’s not always her taking the hit at work with her boss, losing money, dealing with crazy logistics. On balance it was decided to leave things as they are. It’s not a given that dad is automatically a bad guy, although I don’t doubt many just think their Big Important Job is everything.

The booking luxuries thing I do sort of get but I do that too.. I can manage a credit card payment each month and use 0% deals. If I didn't do this I couldn't take the kids away (not Disneyland!) or to theatre shows etc which they love. It may seem to my ex that I have lots of spare money because we do these things but I don't, it's planned into a budget which is made on the assumption that he will contribute the cms amount. He refuses to pay anything above that. It goes into my bank account and merges with my salary and CB to total my income. I don't have it in separate pots but budget in a way that allows me and them some high points. I work v v hard and raise the kids alone. I could eat beans on toast, never take them anywhere and save the cc payment but what the hell is the point of life lived in permanent wallet watching and 'no'.

That’s all good and admirable, everyone wants to make sure their children have positive experiences, of course they do. But never, ever, ever at the potential expense of a stable home and food in their bellies.
If you budget everything on the assumption that he will pay the CMS minimum and he does then there’s no problem is there? Apart from the CMS amount admittedly being pathetic, which is why my DH has always paid more.
In OPs case, her DH is still covering loads of the kids expenses directly on top of the maintenance. So that’s money the mother doesn’t have to find.
As for Disneyland, DH and I started a savings pot this month to take 3 kids (DSD included if she’s not too cool for us by then!) in 2028

FFS. Not having enough money to pay for everything doesn’t make someone ‘incompetent’.

Yes it does if you’re not managing your money properly by paying for a holiday you clearly can’t afford. Simple fact is she shouldn’t have booked a holiday if she can’t afford the rent. But of course if you’re an rp you’re entitled to everything in MN

Then you’d better hope he never decides to go self employed, work cash in hand, go freelance, or gets himself a new partner who persuades him that you work so you shouldn’t get a penny

I can’t control anything what he does nor do I have the right to - I can only control my own actions and how I react to what he chooses to do.

Simple fact is she shouldn’t have booked a holiday if she can’t afford the rent.

To be fair, it isn't clear whether the holiday was already booked and paid for before or after the ExH reduced payments. It may have been some kind of windfall/gift/bonus so even if in the short term she could afford the rent now by cancelling the holiday, long term she might not be able to pay the rent.

To be fair, it isn't clear whether the holiday was already booked and paid for before or after the ExH reduced payments.

The op said it was booked recently. Maybe she booked it thinking she would get more in maintenance.

@KTJean thanks, we appreciate your 'dim' or should that be a 'dumb' view?
What's the issue here? That I actually wanted to solicit advise to perhaps gather a balanced view on how I could make suggestions to my DH to improve what is currently not a good situation?
You assume I've come on here with the worst intention.
You assume I'm spilling my DH's EW's financial details.
You assume a lot and to assume is to make an....I'm sure you can google it.
If you had actually bothered to read the posts you will see that I'm trying to understand what his EW and my DSC needs are and by getting this feedback you take a 'dim' view. Your narrow mindedness is not helpful and is derailing what, in the main, has been quite informative so far.

He could drop his hours but will most probably have to change jobs which will mean a salary reduction and an overall reduction in CMS maintenance, but also as importantly, less money to pay for the extras he currently pays.
I have offered to assist with childcare so EW can work / explore new work opportunities but this has been declined. In fairness I can understand that from her position, but I also do offer to help out where I can and I'm often dropping things at the last minute to do pick ups/drop offs etc due to EW being delayed. This included a 60 mile dash the other week to pick up one of the kids. It's also always me who has to run things over to the EW's house that the kids may have forgotten to take from our house as in the EWs words "I'm too busy"!

@funinthesun19 holiday was booked after CMS reduction took place

@HillAreas I'm definitely not telling lies. It makes not a matter of difference to me what my DH pays or what the EW receives.
It does matter to me that my DSC are being denied having quality holiday time with their father and vice versa.
The DSC have said they want to go in holiday with their Dad but Mum won't let them.
The financials should be dealt with as a separate issue.
I'm hoping the mediation can help both my DH and EW understand each other's positions and reach a fair and amicable outcome which both parties agree upon so this whole debacle can be put to bed.
Frankly there are far more important issues here, children being denied access to a parent is not a good thing.

Frankly there are far more important issues here, children being denied access to a parent is not a good thing

But to be fair, no is reducing maintenance out of principle. She thought that he was earning more, and if he is indeed self-employed, we know how easy it is to play the system. The bottom line is that as stated before, if he paid what he was paying and had done so for some time, he could afford to do so. Yet he chose to go with the CMS amount for no other reason than to punish her for challenging him.

Well she is doing the same with the only thing she can control. Sadly, that's what happens when parents are more focus on their battles between themselves than what is best for the kids.

It's ironic though that you only see how the ex is punishing her kids, not how your OH has done so financially.

He could drop his hours but will most probably have to change jobs which will mean a salary reduction and an overall reduction in CMS

he could - but would he? guess we all know the answer. Much easier to earn a good salary and not having to worry about childcare whilst doing the honourable thing of paying the ridiculously low minimum child maintainance whilst the ex picks up the slack and gets a financially punished for keeping her ex back free so he can continue his career.

Are you considering children with this man? then be prepared that he will have them at expense of your career and earning potential and may reward you with a minimum maintainance when he moves on. Wonder how your post on MN would read then!

@funinthesun19 holiday was booked after CMS reduction took place

She’s not living within her means then. More fool her really.

@Dontdisturbmenow I saw the terms of their divorce, my DH took on their marital debt which he is due to clear in about 12 months time (it's taken him 5 years to do so). So I think he's been fair in that respect

@dairyfairies have you read my posts? DH pays CMS amount plus a whole load of extras. So it's not just the minimum amount.
Thanks for bringing up 'am I having kids with him'. Yes I would, if I was physically able to, but I'm not. I can't have children, for reasons that I don't feel I need to go into detail on this post.
I have two DSC who I do treat and spoilt (with time, love, affection and material things!) so for me, that's enough

@kitchen123
Just wanted to clarify that I absolutely do not think you’re telling lies. I have seen it on thread after thread though, any examples given by the SM of fuckwittery by the ex must be because she’s been fooled by the Dastardly Dad or resentful of every penny going to CM so she tries to make the ex look bad. It can’t just be because the mother of the children is behaving badly.
I just wanted to make my point on its own without these theories projected on it.

I saw the terms of their divorce, my DH took on their marital debt which he is due to clear in about 12 months time
EIther he agreed to this, or the judge considered for whatever reason that it was fair, in addition to the maintenance he agreed to pay.

What makes it unfair is that she would have budget on what she was getting, the reduction will therefore have had an impact on it, and indirectly on the kids.

If he wasn't into punishing her, he would just have continued to pay what he was paying before. He decided to punish her, she's now punishing him. What he paid as part of the divorce settlement is irrelevant.

@Dontdisturbmenow he's PAYE and not self employed. Yes I'm aware he could go self employed and probably pay a whole load less and still be within the eyes of the law, but he chooses not to because at the moment he gets a good holiday allowance, pension contributions, sick/emergency leave (which is useful if kids have emergencies) plus continuity of employment and knows what he will get paid each month.
If he were to leave this he pay get more money but the grass isn't always greener on the other side.
His EW reported him to CMS and is now facing the fact she's actually getting less. Instead of just coming to him and saying 'I need more money' she contacted them and asked for a reassessment. It's backfired. That's the risk you take.
He's quite a reasonable man but is sick to the back teeth of being treated badly by his EW. You can't always have your cake and eat it. You can be reasonable and go about things in a fair and constructive manner. Some people would benefit from learning that lesson.