"my other daughters"

[Grinchbinch]

Name changed as oddly specific. For a while now, maybe the last year or two, my mother has been referring to 2 other women as "my other daughter" when speaking about them to a 3rd person (both in front of me and not). One is a former pupil of hers who lived with the family for a short while and who she has remained friends with. This woman is older than me, early 40s and my mother has seen her once or twice in the last 15 years, the last being about 4 years ago. The other is a woman who she rented a room to for a couple of years when I was a child, she would have been in her late teens at the time. This woman visits every couple of years and they speak on the phone every couple of weeks. Not sure how old she is but I'd say maybe 40ish now.

I am 30 and an only child. I find this deeply hurtful. I don't dislike either of the women she refers to as her other daughters but am not especially close to them either. AIBU?

How is the relationship with your mother otherwise? Do you feel dearly loved by her?
I think it’s a bit tactless- and more so because you’re an only child who is probably not used to the idea of sharing her affection.
In your position, if your relationship with your mother is very good, I would probably not be so bothered, and laugh at her idiosyncrasies.
If I felt the relationship was lacking in some way- it would make me feel quite vulnerable.

Why is it such a ridiculous suggestion that they could be her daughters. Women did have sex on the old days you know! Even your mother.

They both have mothers for fuck's sake!!

If the OP is in her early 40s then it is hardly the old days. I dont think in the 70s and definitely not the 80s were children given up for adoption routinely if born out of wedlock

Also if they were her "secret" daughters then surely the last thing she'd be doing would be referring to them as her daughters!

Sweeney, my chum's mum has a big family of adopted kids, a wider 'family' of randoms, & my chum is her only bio child (a nice surprise after 'giving up hoping' at 40!)
Many of us call chum's mum "mum".

My chum is never upset by this - she knows her own place in her mum's big heart, & is proud to be the child of someone so generous & universally loved.
I get where you're coming from xx

Some people do tend to "adopt" extra family and will happily refer to anyone as their extra mum/daughter etc. If your mum routinely did this then it wouldn't feel so weird. But it sounds like this is unusual, and almost as if she's trying to make a point by saying it. Also, that you don't have the greatest relationship so you lack the security to be OK with this.

If someone talked about me as being their “work daughter” I’d find it creepy as fuck.
I’ve got a Mam thanks

My mum used to do this, despite having two daughters of her own, she'd frequently refer to younger women she got to know as friends as being 'like a daughter to me'. It was always very unassertive women who didn't argue with her, but eventually there would be a row over something minor and she'd fall out with them.

I didn't feel exactly hurt by it, but it did seem there was something lacking from her POV in her relationships with my sister and me.

You do not seem to have a great relationship with your mother so it is a double whammy.

I think the key is in your post... you could bring it up but she wouldn't listen anyway.

Sounds as if toy and your siblings are only useful as a social gambit, make her sound interesting, altruistic, and the every day affection isn't there. I'm so sorry, I know it's horribly painful, but there's a way bigger story here than "just" ther other daughters.

Could you talk it through with a professional?

I wouldn't like to be anyone's work daughter, or someone to be my work mum, but it's a thing about being close on a daily basis, not quite the same as saying 'my other daughter' when the people concerned have hardly any contact now. Similarly, the 'daughter I never had' is a common phrase, even if it is a bit rude to any existing daughters (see Prince Harry saying Meghan now has 'the family she never had').Saying 'my other daughter' is actually weird.

OP, it all sounds very strained and a bit of reflection about yours and your mum's relationship might help, perhaps with a counsellor.

Tbh I thought this was a dementia post initially.

If it’s not... she’s calling them her other daughters maybe just out of maternal affection she holds for these women. At least she’s not calling them the daughters she never had

I do get it though, we’re built to be quite territorial over our parents. Even with our ACTUAL siblings.

Could they actually be her daughters but she had to give them away (due to the era it was)?

Oh god. I'm so old, the date I was born is apparently another 'era'. If they had been born in the 1960s or before it is just possible. I know several women of my mum's generation who put babies up for adoption because they were born 'out of wedlock'. But these women were born 70s/ 80s, so no.

OP it wouldn't bother me. But it does bother you. I hope the thread in Relationships helps. I know my relationship with my mother is special, and it would be if she started referring to other people as her daughters. I know there are various people around that are surrogate grandchildren to her and that I haven't provided any grandchildren. I think it's good that she has that in her life. It doesn't threaten or undermine what we have.

I don't think you need to have a strained or "lacking" relationship with your mother to find this "my other daughters" stuff annoying or hurtful. Obviously if there are existing problems with the relationship already, it would probably only make one more sensitive on the subject, but it's not necessary to have deep-seated insecurities in order to think it's off.

My sisters and I have good, normal relationships with our mother. I don't mind sharing my mother with my sisters, and I know she loves each of us very much. I'd still be very surprised and yes, hurt if she suddenly started referring to other women as "daughters".

It might be different if these women actually had been like daughters to her (and therefore, possibly like sisters to the OP). But they're just younger friends who haven't put in the time, emotion, and effort that comes with being part of her family. To call them "other daughters" does seem like a slap in the face. It belittles OP's status as an actual daughter, whether her mother intends it or not.

I'm an only child and I have a ''second mum''. It's a term of endearment towards someone who has been a wonderful guide and support for me at times when I needed a 2nd opinion. But she isn't my biological Mum.

Just like friends of my Parents when I was growing up, they were Uncle or Aunt first name. yet I knew they were not biologically related...

It’s very weird and irritating when people do this. My daughters are my daughters and my sons are my sons and everyone else is in a totally different outer orbit.

I had DS1’s best friend’s mum tell me he was like a son to her on Saturday. Er, no he’s not. I mentally eye rolled. And when DD won a prize at school her mate’s mum was going on about how proud she was of her second daughter. No, it’s nothing to do with you, either in terms of biology or nurture.

I like (some of) my kids’ friends but I don’t feel maternal about them at all.

I wouldn't like this and neither would my mum like me calling someone else mum.

Maybe start referring to your neighbour as my other mum in front of your mum?

This wouldn't bother me. Daughters/children are something you can have many of and love them all. It would only be annoying if they were taking away from your relationship with her by taking up all her time and energy but they aren't.

Its very different to saying "the daughter I never had" when you have a daughter.