"my other daughters"

[Grinchbinch]

Name changed as oddly specific. For a while now, maybe the last year or two, my mother has been referring to 2 other women as "my other daughter" when speaking about them to a 3rd person (both in front of me and not). One is a former pupil of hers who lived with the family for a short while and who she has remained friends with. This woman is older than me, early 40s and my mother has seen her once or twice in the last 15 years, the last being about 4 years ago. The other is a woman who she rented a room to for a couple of years when I was a child, she would have been in her late teens at the time. This woman visits every couple of years and they speak on the phone every couple of weeks. Not sure how old she is but I'd say maybe 40ish now.

I am 30 and an only child. I find this deeply hurtful. I don't dislike either of the women she refers to as her other daughters but am not especially close to them either. AIBU?

Sounds like she always wanted a big family and has hijacked these women to be it!

Has she put them in her will...?

You are entitled to your feelings. What others think isn;t really important.

If you value your mother as a source of validation in your life then I can imagine it may be hurtful.

It wouldn't bother me, but I am not in your situation.

Wouldn't bother me at all, but I don't look to my mother for support.

I think you need to get over yourself. My mum has 5 biological children and about 15 other children she has collected over the years. Everyone calls her mum and she refers to everyone as her sons and daughters. Really can’t fathom why a grown adult would be bothered by this.

I am very close to my mum and would be extremely hurt if she did this.

Maybe you should give the 'stately homes' thread a read OP. It's in relationships. See if any of it resonates with you. Xx

My MIL does this with random people she hardly knows. I would be hurt and it makes me cringe when she does it. I haven’t made it to ‘daughter’ status yet

If she has only recently started using the terms this seems odd. Especially as she isn't in regular contact with them. I would be concerned about possible dementia. My grandmother confused relationships and this was part of the dementia... I think you are right to be concerned

In the context of her scant relationship with them and strained relationship with you, it sounds pointed and unpleasant.

The most constructive way of looking at it is that your mother is clumsily signalling her unhappiness with the distance between you and this could give you an opening to discuss it with her and forge a closer bond.
Or, she could be quite a horrible person who enjoys humiliating people.
Without more information it’s hard to tell.

I can see why you’d be out out OP. The love you have for your child is like no other. To suggest she sees them as her ‘other children’ could be seen as a bit insulting perhaps the word? It could suggest either you’re not as special as a child should be to a parent or that these other women are as special as you.

I can I can imagine the above could sum up some people’s feelings, although not everyone would share the view.

Could equally be semantics. Maybe she sees them as people that needed help and she’s the mother hen. We have a lady at work and we look to her for advice etc... she keeps us right lol.

Lastly my aunt used to babysit for her next door neighbours kids many years ago 40 odd years. She wasn’t from the area and she didn’t have her own children. She always referred to them as ‘my boys’ much time the annoyance of family members. That’s different though as she never did get to experience parenthood so that was the next best thing. She did say they were like sons to her and they did keep in contact until she passed away at 92. She also left them money in her will, as much as some family members, although not as much as others.

It’s weird hurtful and tacky

I have a collection of 'children'. I have my own real children who mean the world to me and I have some of their friends who I have known since about the age of 3 who call me Mum number 2 and I have my work children of which there appear to be an ever growing number who see me as something between a friend, happy to invite me along on nights out, and a mother figure they can turn to for advice. On everything from work, money to relationships. Its a strange but nice feeling that one minute they are talking to you like one of their peers, sharing jokes and random crap friends share but wouldn't share with their mum and then the next minute they are asking you something that they would normally turn to a parent for advice on. They all tend to call me their work Mum.

Grinch, you say you don't resent these other relationships & are not jealous ... as that's the case, I genuinely don't understand what part of it is hurting you?

Your mum's feelings are hers to own, & if she feels maternal anout these other 2 women, that's up to her. If you were feeling resentment or jealousy I'd be asking more about the quality of your own relationship with you mum, but as you aren't ... what do you think the hurt feeling is stemming from?

Starting to doubt myself even more now. Have posted in relationships.

‘Could they actually be her daughters but she had to give them away (due to the era it was)?’

What the 80’s 😳

Aaaaaw Grinch - don't doubt yourself, your feelings are valid.
But I think it would help you a great deal to be able to examine them, & the quality of your relationship with your mother, in a less, erm ... 'combative' environment that AIBU!

Good idea to go onto the Relationships board.
From there, if you are still feeling unsettled, you can also ask for advice on where/how to find an appropriate counsellor to help you unpick this & come to terms with your sense of hurt, & the deeper issues causing it.

Is this her tone deaf way of trying to signal to you that she has put them in her will on an equal basis to you?

@sweeneytoddsrazor - lovely post, & I hope that OP's mother is similarly well-intentioned & beloved.

However, @Grinchbinch's unease hints that she may not be, & that - not the 'other daughter' label - is what you need to take to talking therapy Grinch, if you are not feeling better about this in a few days.

I completely sympathise, OP. Of course it's hurtful, I'm surprised people can't see that.

It all depends on your relationship how you address this. I'd be tempted to ask directly "Mum, why do you call X your daughter?" and see how she responds. Most likely she'll laugh it off, but she might ask why you care. Don't miss the opportunity if she does.

Speaking as the daughter who got the job of caring for both my parents in their final years, I think you have every right to wonder whether she expects these other "daughters" to help you when that time comes.

I'm surprised so many people would take offence tbh. I work with a lovely woman who takes students under her wing and refers to them as her sons and daughters, despite having plenty of her own. No one seems to have an issue with it. My DM had a work daughter who referred to my DM as her work mum. I can't imagine having a problem with it.

i woul like to think its ok.but putting myself in your situation it would make me upset.and i cant put into words why.so i think its one of those things you feel as a child over something to do with your parents.especially if you dont feel you get enough from your mum which from your posts it seems is the issue.

I don't think YABU. It would annoy me.

Either your mum is completely innocently using it as a form of endearment in a sickly sweet kind of way (my mum is guilty of the same sort of thing) or she is using it consciously or subconsciously in a passive aggressive way to highlight something she isn't happy about with your relationship with her. Maybe you are busy and don't see her as much as she'd like, for example.

@messolini9 I really hope that my children or indeed any of my colleagues parents are on anyway upset by it. Pretty certain my own kids aren't and for me personally I would like to think my children have someone they can ask for advice if they dont come to me. They are in no way forced relationships its just the way they have evolved. I guess it can happen when you work with people the same as your chidren.

Also, for posters who are completely secure in their relationship with their DMs, it probably wouldn't bother them as they know they were, are and will always be No.1 in their DM's eyes. They have an unshakeable, comfortable security so could easily brush off this sort of thing.

For posters who have had a more difficult/less secure relationship, if their DM was a bit selfish/thoughtless/didn't always put them first etc then this would maybe sting a bit more.

There was an item on Woman's Hour (you could still find online/podcast) a couple of weeks ago about women who collect "other Mums" and I don't think it was seen as a negative at all, just an added bonus! Definitely worth a listen for some perspective.