"my other daughters"

[Grinchbinch]

Name changed as oddly specific. For a while now, maybe the last year or two, my mother has been referring to 2 other women as "my other daughter" when speaking about them to a 3rd person (both in front of me and not). One is a former pupil of hers who lived with the family for a short while and who she has remained friends with. This woman is older than me, early 40s and my mother has seen her once or twice in the last 15 years, the last being about 4 years ago. The other is a woman who she rented a room to for a couple of years when I was a child, she would have been in her late teens at the time. This woman visits every couple of years and they speak on the phone every couple of weeks. Not sure how old she is but I'd say maybe 40ish now.

I am 30 and an only child. I find this deeply hurtful. I don't dislike either of the women she refers to as her other daughters but am not especially close to them either. AIBU?

It sounds like it's just a turn of phrase she uses, albeit one that jars with you. You're her biological daughter, no one can take that away from you. I'd only worry if she suddenly announces she's leaving everything to them in her will.

@TheNoiseHurts that actually got me wondering for slightly too long! 😂

My mother used to refer to two other women (my cousin and one of my brother's childhood friends) as "the daughter I never had".

I get it. It hurts.

I can see how this would hurt.
I am an only daughter. My dad remarried when I was in my mid 20s. His wife has a daughter the same age as me. My dad now refers to her as his daughter. But she isn't. He didn't raise her. She has her own dad who she is close to. She's not his daughter. I am. :(
To be fair it's one of a long list of things that show how differently we are treated.

I'm an only child. I'd be so hurt by this.

@RoyalChocolat @PorpetinaScamander wow, that's awful - I'm sorry. I think the reason it hurts so much is that they already have a daughter. I think that if she was referring to some random lad as her son she never had, it wouldn't bother me nearly as much.

My son has two work Mummas. He loves them and they look out for him. Maybe she just feels closer to the other woman than she does to you.

I think it is weird, do you think it might be some sort of self aggrandisement? " Look how giving and nurturing I am to all these waifs and strays", type of thing.

I don't know if I'd be hurt, but I certainly wouldn't be pleased.

I do agree with @7salmonswimming
I think this upset comes from you being an only child and the lack of closeness in your relationship.
The "other daughter" comment is hurting you but it isn't necessarily hurtful.
It is a standing joke in my family (started by my adult dc) that 'X' is my favourite child, when he is just a family friend. It is funny, in the context of his relationship with the family, but my dc all feel very loved and are not in any way threatened by the thought that I could stretch my love further than the 3 of them. Maybe it is part of being a family with siblings, maybe it is part of having an unwavering knowledge that they are deeply loved, or maybe a combination of both, I don't know.

@EsmeShelby wow I hadn't even thought about it like that. Yes, I think you are right! They are low effort relationships for her and they don't place any emotional demands on her. Whereas we have baggage.

This is wierdly similar to a situation I had with my mum a few years ago. A friend of hers is a student who stayed with us when she became homeless. She was very vulnerable and my mum stayed in touch with her through to adulthood and they are now friends. She always introduced her to people as her other daughter (and talked about a young asylum seeker she had never met except for online as her son). For me it was hurtful as it diluted the meaning of the words daughter and son and along with that the meaning of my very particular place in her life as her only daughter. I spoke to her about it a number of times and eventually she understood and hady now stopped. I think I had to frame it in terms of how it would be hurtful if I had 'another mother'. Sorry your mum is being insensitive OP.

I get it op. My mum has a 'work daughter' it hurts. It's worse as we 'daughters' share the same first name.
She will bang on about 'Agatha' and people think she is talking about me and it's up to me to say erm, no.

We don't have a close relationship

This is wierdly similar to a situation I had with my mum a few years ago. A friend of hers is a student who stayed with us when she became homeless. She was very vulnerable and my mum stayed in touch with her through to adulthood and they are now friends. She always introduced her to people as her other daughter (and talked about a young asylum seeker she had never met except for online as her son). For me it was hurtful as it diluted the meaning of the words daughter and son and along with that the meaning of my very particular place in her life as her only daughter. I spoke to her about it a number of times and eventually she understood and hady now stopped. I think I had to frame it in terms of how it would be hurtful if I had 'another mother'. Sorry your mum is being insensitive OP.

Who is she saying it to? Is she saying it to them? Or to you? Or in front of you?

If it's the 1st, she's sucking up to them. If it's the 2nd or the 3rd, she's trying to push your buttons.

If she keeps on, I'd just bide my time, then talk about so and so. You know. My other mum.

@SnoozyLou never in front of them as she sees them in person very rarely and they've not been to visit since she started this. I am really tempted to do the "other mum" thing but would like to be the bigger person.

It's just for attention/to provoke a reaction. I think you're right to ignore it.

She's not said it directly to me either tbf.

My dd started at my old work a month or so after I left. Several people referred to me as their work mum. It gave her the rage!

I;d find that weird too OP.

GIve her a taste of it back

"'my other mother told me.....blah blah''

'' who!?''

''oh just a woman who sits near the printer at work, she let me use her tipp-ex once''

Did somebody really post ''Why is that hurtful?'' omg.

My mum once referred to someone she works with as her “work daughter”, I found it very hurtful because I’m her only daughter and what we’ve been through is so much more than chatting to someone at the office.

I get why it hurts. Especially if you have done a lot for your mum and she has barely seen these people. You feel like wow- ive done everything I can for you because im your daughter and now you are bestowing that title on people who have done fck all for you and whom you barely see!

Also- from your post above, your mum sounds like a bit of a bitch TBH.
I'd start referring to your "second mother" every time she mentions the other daughters.

''oh just a woman who sits near the printer at work, she let me use her tipp-ex once''

haha! do THIS

I think the mother (no matter what her age, 80, 60, 40) could get a glow from bestowing her benevolence or her graciousness on to a more grateful recipient than her actual daughter.

I can imagine that that would be my mother's motivation if she had an ''other daughter''

I'm doing my mother a bit of a disservice there but only partly. It's party spot on!

That would hurt me a lot-- and I say that as someone who does have sisters. I'd think it was very strange of her, given the circumstances (i.e. they really aren't actually like daughters, like a step-daughter or orphaned niece might be). It seems like the kind of thing someone might say to "put on airs" or make her life sound richer/more fascinating. If someone spoke to me of her "other daughters" and I knew this was the backstory (casual friendship and not at all mother-daughter), I'd secretly roll my eyes at her for her dramatics.

Whether or not I'd raise it with her would depend on our relationship. If it bothers you enough, I don't think there's anything wrong with speaking to her about it. She should be able to look at it from your point of view and see how it could be hurtful.