AIBU- family member won’t leave my house, how can I get them out?!

[Lolo12091]

Hello,
Strange topic didn’t really know what to call it 🙈My cousin is homeless, her landlord decided to sell and for that reason she is in emergency accommodation, but it is an hour away from her work and sons school and it is unsuitable for children (it’s one room in a hotel with druggys). Now. She was originally staying with my other cousin. But he has 3 kids in a 2 bedroom flat and they were too squashed there (she stayed there for 2 months) so she asked if I minded her staying at mine. I felt blindsighted, it was on the spot in person, so I didn’t have any excuse so I just said I didn’t mind and she made out it would only be a few nights here and there so she wasn’t staying at my cousins house constantly.

This is where the AIBU bit comes in... I have a 2 bedroom flat. My daughter stays in my room as she doesn’t like hers. So we effectively have a spare room, with my daughters stuff in. My rent is £1000 a month.

Now I didn’t mind them staying at first but it’s been a month now and it’s annoying me having other people’s stuff everywhere. She’s not messy it’s just stuff ie clothes but it’s annoying me. She doesn’t eat any of my food. They usually eat out. She pays for gas and electric when I’m not at home (I stay at my partners 2 days a week). But i just feel like it’s not my home anymore. And she can’t afford to pay any money towards my rent as she’s paying rent towards the emergency accommodation. I’m out a lot, and she has a partner who I’ve said isn’t allowed over (because I don’t want other people doing ‘stuff’ in my home!) but I have smelt Men’s deodorant a few times and I feel like he has been over when I’ve stayed out. I asked her and she said no. But still. I just don’t like the thought of it.

Now I don’t really have any reason to ask her to leave. My daughter doesn’t use the room. It’s just me being possessive and wanting my home back to normal and I pay £1000 a month to live here. I should be able to have it all to myself! Being able to relax on weekends and not have to talk to people or worry about getting out of the shower and someone being in my lounge lol. Or getting woken up by others. Do you know what I mean?

I don’t know how to ask her to leave as if I was on the other side I would think I was being unreasonable as she can’t stay anywhere else really but I think she’s taking the mick a bit staying for such a long time without contributing any money. But she can’t afford too. I feel like I go around in circles when I think of what to say!!

What can I say??

AIBU???

Blimey two or more years. She needs a plan.

1. If she has a partner, why aren't they living together/pooling resources? How does it work out that they are in a relationship yet not even together? Does he work? If so, that would make them a double income family.

1. It costs a lot of money to eat out. Even if she doesn't want your food, she can still buy groceries cheaply and cook up her own meals in your kitchen. She seems to be wasting a lot of money for no good reason which could be saved to give her child a good home.

If she gets money and works, she can afford even the most tiniest, dingiest accommodation while still being on the list for a council house. She is definitely taking the piss, she even has a car she is paying off? She could live out of the car for a little bit. It is far from ideal, but it might be a bit better than her emergency accommodation. She seems over-committed financially and wasting money on eating out as well. She won't ever stand on her own feet if she isn't forced to. She needs to put her son first and sorting herself out.

she doesn't need to live in a car and she doesn't need to stay with you. She needs to sort herself out and maybe move away somewhere cheaper. As people have always had to do for work and accommodation.

I note the usual cries of 'contact Shelter' for help are (understandably) absent here...

How the hell can she afford to eat out every night? Even if it’s only fish and chips or a McDonalds, that’s a lot of money per week.

Thinking of your needs rather than hers. Your child needs their own bed. Whether it is used or not, it is a basic requirement. If ever social services or any other agency we're to be involved it would be the first thing they would look for.

Yeah she's not getting just £1000 a month if that is her wage. She will at the very very least get child benefit (which everybody gets, used to be called family allowance) and she'll get the UC equivalent of tax credits.
PP is correct with additional figure of £900-ish on top of £1000 wages. If she doesn't get it, then she could!

Are you sure the £1000 doesn't include additional extras? So 15/16 hours work, topped up by UC & child benefit?

Does she work part time or full time?

hello, we are in the south of England just outside of London and the waiting time is up to 2 years in emergency. Up to 5 years in temporary.

I’m also in the south-east just outside London and it’s a maximum of six weeks in emergency. That could be because we don’t have any emergency accommodation in our actual borough - families are sent to Slough and for those with children it’s impossible for families to get them into their school from Slough.

Anyway, if housing get wind of her living with you, they could claim she’s adequately housed and may not consider her for social housing unless you say she can no longer live there or, if she’s sub-letting, if you give her notice to quit.

TBH, while you don't need to lie to her it may well make your life easier if you do. So someone's phoned asking about who's living in your flat and you're really scared you're going to be kicked out as a result.... don't elaborate though. The more you say the more likely you are to be caught out.

Then I would also point out to her the rules vis a vis being housed by the Council in emergency quarters, that records are kept and they will notice that she has an alternative place to stay and may lose any ground she's made towards being housed somewhere suitable.

She can go back to your other cousin's, or maybe there's more family somewhere. Perhaps her bf's family can help the pair of them, or something.

Are you sure there're druggies where she's currently 'housed'? Or is that a thing she says because everybody does?

Do you want her with you for two years? Then tell her to move and find a private rental. Just because she wants a council rental doesn't mean she should spend two+ years living with you for free. Tough.

Not wanting to do something, because it annoys you/inconveniences you/upsets you IS good enough reason to not do it. You are not Mother Teresa, and your life mission isn't putting others over yourself or providing rent free accomodation long term.

Let her know, that it has been over a month and any longer would be disruptive to both you and your daughter's routine and schedule. Say you're happy to give her a week to make other arrangements. Surely, her partner can put her up for a bit? She is earning a wage so should be able to find somewhere private within budget, it will take some effort but that's what she should be doing while staying with you. You've been generous so please don't feel guilty - not sure why women always carry guilt for wanting to do what's right for THEM.

Op, you have been very kind in letting her stay. It’s not easy to have people stay at your home.
I think that she is expecting too much tbh. She spent two months at your other cousin and has spent a month with you. She has to sort herself out. It’s as simple as that.
I am all for helping family , but you are not happy about the arrangement so you have to let her know.
What about her boyfriend,? Can’t he help her?

Has she left, OP?

Just helpful comments on what to say to get her to leave and go back there.

Just ask her to leave!? It's really not difficult or complicated. Tell her all the reasons you've listed here.

Tell her your daughter wants her room back.

Tell her she is taking up the space in the emergency accommodation of someone who may really need it; even if she doesn't like it.

Tell her anything you want, just grow a backbone and do it.

You have a partner, right, OP?
So how about you tell her that your partner wants to come around to spend nights with you sometimes, and your daughter can't physically be in the same room with you two for obvious reasons? I don't know your partner's situation or daughter's age, but maybe you can play with this topic somehow? Maybe say that your partner is changing their job and it is more convenient for them to stay at yours a few times a week due to commute reasons?

What can I say??

"I know you're at rock bottom, but stand still while I kick you some more"

?

Surely she must know or sense that you don't want her there (especially after you've asked her if she's having her partner around when you've specifically asked that she not). Honestly, unless you're constantly telling her you love having the company, or something similar, she must know that she's put you in an uncomfortable position and is counting on you to feel too guilty to ask her to leave.

I don't see how the situation will change in the near future without you standing up for yourself and telling her that you need your space. You've done her a favor, but it has to end at some point. There's no easy or graceful way to do it, I'm afraid. It's going to be uncomfortable, but the only alternative is to say nothing and wait for her to step up on her own, with no clue to when that might happen.

It's not unreasonable to want to enjoy peace and privacy in the home that you're paying for. You've already given her more help than she originally asked for. She shouldn't continue to rely on you for housing.

It’s not illegally subletting. I’ve spoken to my landlord before and I’ve sublet before when I traveled and she was fine. Additionally. I am not subletting. I simply asked her to pay some money towards rent. Unless I actually accepted the money I have done nothing wrong regardless of my landlords acceptance on the matter. I am a junior solicitor lol. So I am aware of everything in regards to the law. Thanks

So you asked her to contribute knowing that was ok. But if she'd actually given you any money you would then have been in the wrong? what did you intend to do, give the money straight back to her?

You don't have much of a backbone do you, are you such a pushover in your job as junior solicitor?

You asked her to pay you some money, but accepting the money would have put you in the wrong...?? So how would that situation have worked out anyway?
'Here's the money for the rent you asked for'
'I can't accept that, it'd be wrong'
'Ok, but you asked for the money?'
...then a 'swift wink' to put it in the plant pot and 'say no more'?
I understand you wanting to help out your friend, but she does have to move back to her given accommodation for a number of reasons, number one being you don't want her there anymore-
You've said you have been in her situation, perhaps she might be playing on that a little? I'd possibly offer a little respite from time to time, but her situations finite- you came out the other side okay, I'm sure she will too.

I'm also slightly wondering if she was contributing towards the rent as you asked, would your position on her staying with you be different??

I would happily put up any of my cousins indefinitely. We are very close.

A "junior solicitor who is aware of everything in regards to the law"?

You must have a prodigious brain coupled with the memory of several herds of elephants.

If you have asked for "some money towards the rent" you are subletting.

If you have asked for some money towards the bills you cannot be accused of subletting.

I wouldn't kick my cousin out in this situation. You are family and you are close and you want to send her a text to kick her out when she is in a bind? Wow. Yes that would be within your rights but not the nice thing to do.

Well if she stopped eating out every night she could afford to pay some rent - or save for a deposit for private rent.

You shouldn't have to subsidise her or put up with the invasion of privacy when she's not helping herself to get out of the situation.

As a solicitor you want to be super-careful you don't get prosecuted for council tax benefit fraud - you could find yourself struck off.

I wouldn't see a friend or family member homeless, but she does have accomodation that will put her on a priority listing with the council- I would be concerned if she was to be found living elsewhere and not needing (a highly in demand!) emergency accommodation she'd not only loose her priority status but be taken off the register altogether.
Respite yes, weekends/days over and above all keeping your relationship tight is so important to see her through what is a tough living situation- I think your at risk of a falling out over this, your obviously not happy with her there- be upfront and keep your friendship and relationship a strong one.