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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU- family member won’t leave my house, how can I get them out?!

100 replies

Lolo12091 · 22/01/2020 14:55

Hello,
Strange topic didn’t really know what to call it 🙈My cousin is homeless, her landlord decided to sell and for that reason she is in emergency accommodation, but it is an hour away from her work and sons school and it is unsuitable for children (it’s one room in a hotel with druggys). Now. She was originally staying with my other cousin. But he has 3 kids in a 2 bedroom flat and they were too squashed there (she stayed there for 2 months) so she asked if I minded her staying at mine. I felt blindsighted, it was on the spot in person, so I didn’t have any excuse so I just said I didn’t mind and she made out it would only be a few nights here and there so she wasn’t staying at my cousins house constantly.

This is where the AIBU bit comes in... I have a 2 bedroom flat. My daughter stays in my room as she doesn’t like hers. So we effectively have a spare room, with my daughters stuff in. My rent is £1000 a month.

Now I didn’t mind them staying at first but it’s been a month now and it’s annoying me having other people’s stuff everywhere. She’s not messy it’s just stuff ie clothes but it’s annoying me. She doesn’t eat any of my food. They usually eat out. She pays for gas and electric when I’m not at home (I stay at my partners 2 days a week). But i just feel like it’s not my home anymore. And she can’t afford to pay any money towards my rent as she’s paying rent towards the emergency accommodation. I’m out a lot, and she has a partner who I’ve said isn’t allowed over (because I don’t want other people doing ‘stuff’ in my home!) but I have smelt Men’s deodorant a few times and I feel like he has been over when I’ve stayed out. I asked her and she said no. But still. I just don’t like the thought of it.

Now I don’t really have any reason to ask her to leave. My daughter doesn’t use the room. It’s just me being possessive and wanting my home back to normal and I pay £1000 a month to live here. I should be able to have it all to myself! Being able to relax on weekends and not have to talk to people or worry about getting out of the shower and someone being in my lounge lol. Or getting woken up by others. Do you know what I mean?

I don’t know how to ask her to leave as if I was on the other side I would think I was being unreasonable as she can’t stay anywhere else really but I think she’s taking the mick a bit staying for such a long time without contributing any money. But she can’t afford too. I feel like I go around in circles when I think of what to say!!

What can I say??

AIBU???

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 22/01/2020 15:53

Don’t text her. Be a grown up and talk to her. Explain if you wanted a lodger you’d have got one (and they’d be paying their way).

Justanotherusernamer · 22/01/2020 15:53

"Hi [Relative], the temp favour of you staying over at mine has run its course. I need the room back so I can have more privacy and consistency for [daughter]. I understand you'll need a couple of weeks to move stuff so let's agree for you to hand back my keys within the month, by 22nd Feb. Love, [op]".

Mammajay · 22/01/2020 15:55

You are breaking the terms of your lease by having her staying with you and your landlord could give you notice.

LimpidPools · 22/01/2020 15:55

You're close, you speak every day. You're family. Why don't you just talk to her about it?

Tell her what you're telling us.

Maybe you could come up with some kind of arrangement where they're with you 3 weeks out of 4. Or they go back to the emergency accommodation for the weekend or something.

Obviously none of it is fair or perfect and there is no obligation on you to put them up at all. This is a suggestion based on how guilty you feel. Are you going to feel really crappy in a couple of weeks once you've had some breathing space and start thinking maybe it wasn't so bad after all?

Justanotherusernamer · 22/01/2020 15:56

Also, just because your daughter doesn't need the room now. It's her room! Eventually she's going to need her space and just because that's not right now.. doesn't mean your relatives can just call dibs on it. If she tries to argue that just shut it down. Your daughter will need the room in the future, end of conversation.

PersephoneandHades · 22/01/2020 15:56

You can say that your daughter needs to start sleeping in her own room soon to ensure she doesn't develop separation anxiety. That in and of itself is a fair enough point.

However, you really don't need any specific reasons, you can just tell her that the situation is becoming difficult and you and DD need your space back.

LimpidPools · 22/01/2020 15:57

However, all the legal issues are separate again and you should consider those seriously and separately.

You'll be doing nobody any favours if you get evicted too.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 22/01/2020 15:57

she doesn’t have to stay just sign in ... but the council don’t know she’s not there

I wouldn't be too sure about that, TBH, and once they find she's got alternative housing that'll be that as far as their help goes

Are you prepared to have her living with you long term? Because that's the way it's going ...

mummymeister · 22/01/2020 15:59

Does your landlord know y that you are illegally sub letting.? Is she worth the risk of being evicted. If I was your landlord I would be furious. Tell her face to face now to leave. She is way too cosy at yours and unless you are blunt she won't go.

Dutch1e · 22/01/2020 16:00

Please don't send a text, speak face to face.

"I'm feeling cramped and want to know what the plan is for your own place."

She sounds like a reasonable person, asking for a clear move-out date (and sticking to it) is a normal progression in your set-up.

I probably wouldn't set a date for her as she's not being a CF. Just a clear expectation that you want to hear a date from her.

Hollyhead · 22/01/2020 16:01

To be honest don’t you have a massive chance here to help her get a better life? Tell her to sack off the emergency accommodation and pay you the £500 instead, save this for 3 months and then present her with £1500 which should be enough for a deposit somewhere? I don’t think I could deny a family member that opportunity to be honest.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 22/01/2020 16:02

Why is she still paying for the emergency accommodation if she is not staying there? She needs to live there and sort herself out.

This ^

Plus, while she is "in" that accommodation, someone else is being denied it - that someone may be desperate.

Yarboosucks · 22/01/2020 16:02

I am surprised at the posts on here. I can understand that you may not want her there, but she sounds like she is in a bind. Is what you "want" really worth turfing out someone in need and a child? Particularly as you say that you are close. Surely it would be better to let them stay, give up the emergency accommodation and tell her that she must save the rent to get her own place?

Tfgjiknfr · 22/01/2020 16:03

That’s really tricky. Is there really no one else she can stay with? Could see at least go to her emergency accommodation at the weekends.

Yarboosucks · 22/01/2020 16:04

If you do decide to tell her to leave, at least have the good grace to do it face to face. Texting is crass.

FamilyOfAliens · 22/01/2020 16:10

Most emergency accommodation is only for six weeks maximum and then you get moved into temporary, which can be anywhere in the LA. So it sounds to me like either they have been offered something temporary and turned it down, in which case the LA no longer has any obligation towards her, or the rules are different in your area.

Also, whoever posted this is wrong:

I'd imagine she'd be quite high on the list given her sons school location

Unless the child has an EHCP naming the school, you can be moved anywhere and you will just be found another school.

Motoko · 22/01/2020 16:10

If the council find out you have another adult living with you, you'll lose your single person council tax reduction.

Porpoises · 22/01/2020 16:10

I'd let her stay longer, as long as she is working hard on a plan to find an alternative. Has she talked about this?

I wouldn't want to see a relative's child living somewhere totally unsuitable.

fruitbrewhaha · 22/01/2020 16:12

Don't do anything by text OP, that really shite.

Talk to her, find out how long she may have to wait, if its a few months then help her out. If the council are unlikely to be able to help then tell her to sack off the emergency housing and she can pay you something and save the rest so she can rent her own place.

I hope someone would help me out if I was in this situation.

Interestedwoman · 22/01/2020 16:13

1she can’t afford to pay any money towards my rent as she’s paying rent towards the emergency accommodation. '

Do you know this for a fact? I've been in temporary accommodation and at most we had to pay a few quid (no more) towards the heating etc. They applied/helped us apply for help with housing costs, and it was either processed immediately or we didn't even have to pay anything while it was processed.

LIZS · 22/01/2020 16:21

Are you claiming single person discount for council tax or universal credit , which could be affected by a second adult in the household. If she can afford car finance, emergency accommodation and meals out she can afford to contribute to rent.

letmebefrank · 22/01/2020 16:24

You need to tell her to go back to her emergency accommodation.

Your could be kicked out for violating your own rental agreement.

You could lose your single adult council tax exemption.

Tell her she has to go.

dreamingofsun · 22/01/2020 16:27

as lemebefrank says......i doubt that your rental agreement allows here to stay for this length of time. Therefore you are opening yourself up to being evicted, or at a minimum not having your tenancy extended when it comes to an end. LL's dont want people who arent on the lease staying long term as they could potentially end up as squatters.

Leflic · 22/01/2020 16:28

You doing a really kind thing. Don’t feel like a mug.
Temporary accommodation is really unsuitable for anyone with a job and children and could go on for months. If she doesn’t “take it” she’ll never get rehoused.
If the price of two beds are £1000 she’ll struggle anyway on her wages.

Having said that it could go on for years. And the chances of getting something decent are outweighed by the odds of getting something pretty shit fankly.
I think you need a wider conversation than “leave” as people are suggesting. Tell her you need the flat back by x amount of weeks but she can stay until March if she gives up the temp accommodation and saves for a deposit to rent privately perhaps. You’ll feel better knowing the end is in sight and she’s got a plan you are part of.

If she wants council housing that badly she’ll have to suck up TA or find someone else to live with after 2 weeks.

OurChristmasMiracle · 22/01/2020 16:29

If she’s paying towards the emergency accommodation I’m guessing the rest is topped up with housing benefit in which case she in committing benefit fraud. She needs to be there a minimum of 4 nights a week for housing benefit. She also runs the risk of being classed as having adequate accommodation elsewhere as she is not staying in her temporary accommodation. If it’s full of drug addicts etc she needs to be going to housing to complain and asking to be moved not living elsewhere in the hopes she will be housed quickly because depending on where she is in the country the waiting list could be years.

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