AIBU- family member won’t leave my house, how can I get them out?!

[Lolo12091]

Hello,
Strange topic didn’t really know what to call it 🙈My cousin is homeless, her landlord decided to sell and for that reason she is in emergency accommodation, but it is an hour away from her work and sons school and it is unsuitable for children (it’s one room in a hotel with druggys). Now. She was originally staying with my other cousin. But he has 3 kids in a 2 bedroom flat and they were too squashed there (she stayed there for 2 months) so she asked if I minded her staying at mine. I felt blindsighted, it was on the spot in person, so I didn’t have any excuse so I just said I didn’t mind and she made out it would only be a few nights here and there so she wasn’t staying at my cousins house constantly.

This is where the AIBU bit comes in... I have a 2 bedroom flat. My daughter stays in my room as she doesn’t like hers. So we effectively have a spare room, with my daughters stuff in. My rent is £1000 a month.

Now I didn’t mind them staying at first but it’s been a month now and it’s annoying me having other people’s stuff everywhere. She’s not messy it’s just stuff ie clothes but it’s annoying me. She doesn’t eat any of my food. They usually eat out. She pays for gas and electric when I’m not at home (I stay at my partners 2 days a week). But i just feel like it’s not my home anymore. And she can’t afford to pay any money towards my rent as she’s paying rent towards the emergency accommodation. I’m out a lot, and she has a partner who I’ve said isn’t allowed over (because I don’t want other people doing ‘stuff’ in my home!) but I have smelt Men’s deodorant a few times and I feel like he has been over when I’ve stayed out. I asked her and she said no. But still. I just don’t like the thought of it.

Now I don’t really have any reason to ask her to leave. My daughter doesn’t use the room. It’s just me being possessive and wanting my home back to normal and I pay £1000 a month to live here. I should be able to have it all to myself! Being able to relax on weekends and not have to talk to people or worry about getting out of the shower and someone being in my lounge lol. Or getting woken up by others. Do you know what I mean?

I don’t know how to ask her to leave as if I was on the other side I would think I was being unreasonable as she can’t stay anywhere else really but I think she’s taking the mick a bit staying for such a long time without contributing any money. But she can’t afford too. I feel like I go around in circles when I think of what to say!!

What can I say??

AIBU???

re you claiming single person discount for council tax or universal credit , which could be affected by a second adult in the household. If she can afford car finance, emergency accommodation and meals out she can afford to contribute to rent.

She’s not “living” there. She’s a guest. Her house and bills are with the TA. I don’t expect she can afford the car but needs it otherwise can’t work ( or get from the TA to work and nursery) and she could be getting help with the rent. Don’t assume the TA rent is cheap....it’s usually charged at the most amount benefits will cover. More than a council rent in a proper home is.

It’s not illegally subletting. I’ve spoken to my landlord before and I’ve sublet before when I traveled and she was fine. Additionally. I am not subletting. I simply asked her to pay some money towards rent. Unless I actually accepted the money I have done nothing wrong regardless of my landlords acceptance on the matter. I am a junior solicitor lol. So I am aware of everything in regards to the law. Thanks.

Hi everyone. I’m not asking for advice for her. I have no idea what money she gets other than wages, I am pretty certain she doesn’t get any benefits though. So I really don’t want comments in regards to her situation with the council etc. Just helpful comments on what to say to get her to leave and go back there.

If she can afford car finance, emergency accommodation and meals out she can afford to contribute to rent

This ^^

I don’t understand why she didn’t find different accommodation when her Landlord gave her notice. And to the PP above who suggested you helping her save a deposit, surely she got her deposit back from her previous landlord? Why isn’t she making any effort to find new accommodation?

Perhaps because you’re the easy option?

If you don’t want to tell her to leave, use the excuse given above about the terms of your tenancy and your landlord finding out.

I think you should have an honest conversation, not using the random excuses people come up with.

"Hi cousin, I appreciate you've been trying to keep out of our way as much as you can and keep the place clean, so thank you. I do really want to get my own space back though, because DD and I are starting to miss the privacy, as I'm sure you are too. What's your plan for getting the emergency accommodation reviewed so that you get something more suitable? Or for moving to somewhere else?"

If her previous place had a landlord who sold up then it was a private let and she will have been returned the deposit she paid when she moved in there and two months' notice.
So why didn't she look for a new place during that period ? I would imagine on her wages that she'll be entitled to Housing Benefit so has she explained why she's still not looked for anywhere ?

Then just hold the line "We all need our own space asap, how are things going with sorting this out?"

@FamilyOfAliens hello, we are in the south of England just outside of London and the waiting time is up to 2 years in emergency. Up to 5 years in temporary. I know as I went through it myself and I couldnt take any longer of the poor living conditions and ended up finding a private place.

If you're not in London, surely she can find a one-bed flat or studio for £500/month?

@butterpuffed
Hello, it was rent deposit scheme so no money exchanged hands. Something that our council offers to help low wage families find private accommodation

@MRex she could but she wants council

She won't get housed if she stays with you. She has a home. With you.

Is she paying the extra council tax that is due now there are two adults living in your flat? Because it doesn't matter if it's a 'just a few nights' thing - she is living with you, her stuff is with you, odds are that her post is being delivered (or will be soon) to your address.

She has to go back or she will not be legally homeless and therefore will not be eligible for temporary accommodation. And she's committing fraud in the process.

Councils do spot checks on HMOs and B&Bs all the time - if she isn't there, they will know - especially with the place being a bit dodgy, they could have somebody else in that room by now and billing the same council - if they realise (which during audits and reconciliations isn't impossible) that they're paying for 30 people when there are only 20 rooms, they will investigate.

She's now living with somebody. Her benefits are quite likely to be stopped until they assess whether you are living 'together' or together. Which means you'd be feeding and clothing the pair of them and paying her debts until the point at which they decide (hopefully) that you aren't 'together' - having sex is not the determiner on this.

Add UC/housing benefit/LHA fraud to your potential council tax fraud and you've got so many issues that could arise from her staying - and you'll still be stuck with her, as they won't do a thing to help her from that point.

Being a junior solicitor won't help if you acquire CCJs or a conviction for Council Tax fraud, will it? It'll make it very difficult for your future employment.

You have too much to lose as well.

If she only earns £1000, she'll be claiming UC, by the way. A benefit.

"hi when I get back we need to have a serious talk about you living with me - its affecting my mental health and I need you to spend some time looking into your options so that you can tell me on Sunday what you are going to do and we can work to a definite moving out date. I love you and have been happy to help, but I can't keep helping you indefinitely - its time for things to change. Remember originally you were never going to be here all the time - just occasionally. Lets talk in person - but I'm giving you this heads up so you have time to put a concrete plan in place for our chat..."

If she is able to claim housing benefit, help her find a property to rent that will accept HB. The council should offer a home finders scheme or a help with deposit & reference.
Give her a couple of weeks notice that you would like your space back, but that you're happy to help her search for something in that time? To be honest though, she may have to widen her search and be prepared to move a little further away, it's not easy to find affordable private rented on the outskirts of London.

It's completely understandable to want your home back. Don't feel bad about it. You have been really generous.

@MitziK I’ll chat to her about this bc she hasn’t mentioned any other income to me

Unfortunately, she is holding out for the extraordinary in waiting for council accommodation. As you well said, it could be two years or more. She is using you to make it bearable, but there's no end date in sight.

Her options are:

• rent privately
• look around outside the area for a HA or similar.

The current situation is unsustainable. You need to hear a more concrete plan from her than crossing her fingers and waiting on the council.

Dear Cousin. You will remember that when I originally agreed for you to stay over at mine it was only going to be for the odd night now and again, not living here fulltime. The current situation is not working out for me and I can't really commit to it so I'd like you to move back to your previous accommodation by x date. I'm sure you will appreciate that it's difficult for me ask you to leave because of your current circumstances but I do think it's always best to be honest with each other so that we can continue to support each other. Love from OP

As a solicitor you will need to be able to have difficult conversations at times, don’t do this by text that would be awful. Sit down and talk to her like two professional adults who also care about each other personally. See if you can reach a compromise, you may feel better if you know the end is in sight even if it’s not immediate.

"I've been happy for you to stay with me short term, but I just want to know what your plans are for finding a permanent home for you and child. Sorry to ask you, but I'd just like to get back to normal soon. I know things are difficult for you, so if you could have a think about it and let me know a.s.a.p., I'd really appreciate it.".

Short of just asking her to leave, I don't think you can be too blunt.

I would tell her the truth, that you want your space back. Give her 4 weeks to get herself sorted.

I think you've explained it perfectly reasonably in your thread responses, I'd just be telling her the truth in that case

She's paying for accommodation she isn't using , and can't pay you, but is also taking a place someone else could use ?

Also, you know she's having a bloke round. Give notice for that if nothing else.

Can you tell her you want weekends free and she can stay during the week for a further month only?

After a bit of juggling around the Entitled To website, for a start, at £1000 a month, assuming she is working somewhere around 15 hours a week, she would get £128 a week extra before rent costs are taken into account.

Further tinkering, assuming she lives in Surrey (Heath) as it's the first place that came to mind, no other reason, receives no maintenance, is in temporary accommodation on band A council tax and paying £500 a month, gives a figure of £212 a week in addition to her salary. A total of £916 on top of her £1000 income.

You're being spun a hell of a line here.