To think DH just doesn't want to take any responsibility

[NomDeDieu]

I have yet another discussion with DH regarding his 'input' in family life and more specifically what happens at home. He seems to think that I am the one responsible and in charge of anything house related (children, DIY, cleaning etc...) and is refusing to take any responsibility.

Eg we are redoing ds bedroom. I asked DH to organise that. Cue for DH to have a chat with ds, agreed with ds on what he wanted and .... nothing. 6 months later, no bed or desk was ordered so I stepped in. Reviewed what ds wanted, found out the bed he choose is a day bed so not as wide (which ds didn't want). So I ended up doing the whole search again with ds, found a bed and ordered it. DH just ducked things out by being as invisible, unresponsive as possible.
Then we started to tackle the storage. Dh said him and ds had found some shelves. Great! Except the shelves were out of stock and DH 'didnt think' about the magazines on the floor, the school books underneath ds bed etc... Basically again this was a lip service effort.

The worse thing is that he is also trying to rope me in when he is actually doing something by 'asking me what I think' and then get annoyed when I ask if he thought about A or B. Apparently this is me being critical, not wanting to help etc... and I ought to actually give solutions rather than just 'critcizing'.
Even though the whole point was for me to NOT be involved and for him to take full responsibility of the project (I know by experience that he is then basically waiting for me to come up with the solution)

This was the ONE thing I asked him to take over about one year ago. ds still doesnt have a bedroom that looks like a bedroom. Some of his stuff is sat on the landing (which is a risk in itself). Its a mess and it has somehow become my responsibility and my fault if DH hasnt done it yet....

Arrrg and breathe...

Ah... didnt mean to have the voting in place.....

From the sound of it, your husband refusing to pull this weight is not a new thing. Do you actually think he will change? I doubt it. The only question you need to ask yourself is how long do you intend to put up with it, because this resentment will start to eat you alive.

Right well, there's an easy place to start. He has to learn how to do things himself. Obviously he needs practice.

Start with the laundry. Tell him each time he ducks out of doing something you'll add to the list and you won't be doing something else.

Not really sure what else to do other than seperate houses or suck it up. He'll never change.

YABU, you both have different outlooks, your expecting dh to read your mind in what you want and require.

Communicate to each other, rather than just expecting him to know, my ideas, needs and wants differ to that of dh, however we talk about it and come to an agreement.

He clearly asking for your input, however if your as judgemental as you've come across on here, then its absolute clear he believes you are criticizing him

@HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend, I’m not expecting him to read my mind hat so ever.
The message was clear. You take responsibility to sort out ds bedroom. He hasn't. I actually don’t care how he does it bar the fact it needs to be practical. Aka all ds things need to be back in his bedroom and be accessible when necessary.
And I would love to be able to work with him, except that doing so just means me doing it all which i am refusing.

They don't change. The conditioning is so ingrained and has suited them for so long that they can't and won't change.

Seethe away if you must, but it will get you nowhere. What was the set up like in his family home when he was a child? That usually holds the key.

It's wildly frustrating OP and you have my sympathy but you either have to accept that he is never going to match your competence or ditch him and do things your way without the resentment - those really are your only choices IME.

I think just give him loads of encouragement. What do you think?
Both sound great dear
Which would you do?
I don't mind dear- you seem to have a handle on it

Only thing is you can't complain about doing a shit job. You just have to put up with it and DONT REDO IT.

You just have to put up with it and DONT REDO IT.

Even if it’s ds who is suffering from him not doing things appropriately @Namelessinseattle?
I haven’t stepped in for a long time. And I am putting up with him doing shitty jobs in other areas. But when it affects the dcs I’m much less likely to let it pass. It’s unfair in them when it affects them directly.

Maybe he didn’t think the room needed ‘redoing’.

We’ve never ‘done’ rooms. Just upgraded items of furniture when previous ones have broken or we’ve been gifted better suited ones, or we happened to spot something better suited in a shop.

We never ‘did’ a nursery either, have always kept rooms neutral in walls, carpets and curtains and put in a cot and change table, they went out and were replaced by a bed etc

If you are the sort of person who ‘does’ a room maybe it’s only right you keep doing it, I personally wouldn’t know where to start.

Hmm, ds had a high bed and as a teenager just didn’t fit in it anymore (his head was touching the ceiling!).
Because it was a high bed with a desk underneath (and shelves etc...), there was no other option that starting from scratch again.
So basically we’ve done exactly what you are describing Happy....

How are his children a house related task exactly?

I'm normally the first to agree in these cases and women doing all the life admin/mental load is endemic.

But I have to say in this case it sounds almost like he's being set up to fail: fair enough he was slow to get off the ground but when you talk about him not thinking about the magazines etc you sound very critical. In fact he was trying to meet you half way and giving this some consideration and it sounds as if you were a bit scathing and closed him down. Yes he does need to take responsibility but its not unreasonable, given that you have much clearer ideas about what you want from this project than he does, for him to ask you for some feedback.

It sounds like one of these negative feedback loops couples often get into when the more competent one puts the less confident one down and the less confident one starts thinking "why do I bother?". If you want him to learn more about this sort of thing you do need at least to respond constructively when he's trying.

Also what's with the "redoing rooms" thing? Can't you just buy the furniture on a per item basis? It sounds like you're making it harder than it needs to be and that might be partly why your DH is reluctant.

Because he is more likely to actually be involved with his dcs when it’s about something happening outside the house (eg hobby) that also happens to be his interest.
Anything else just isn’t on his radar

Don't get me wrong I do sympathise with the broader syndrome of men just not thinking about this because they don't think its their "domain". It just sounds like you've not tackled it in the most constructive way and he obviously feels he can't do anything right and therefore has stopped trying. I just wonder if you need to change the way you communicate with him about this in such a way that he doesn't feel he's constantly getting into trouble.

@thepeopleversuswork, can I ask you?

• a year to sort a bedroom out is just slow moving? A year for ds to struggle in his bed because he didn’t fit in and had to crawl to go and lie down? That is acceptable to you.

Plus ds is doing his GCSE this year. Is that really reasonable to expect him to struggle because he can’t easily access his books, just in the year of his exams?

• I just did not want to be involved at all in this project so there was no half way. If there was anyone he was supposed to meet half way with, it was ds as it is ds bedroom. What I want or what I think wouod be best doesn’t matter tbh. In part because I don’t want to be involved/have any responsibility in it, therefore my POV should have no weight. And in part because I totally do not care about how it’s done as long a it is done (done = in a usable way and in a timely manner).

• this also means I never wanted to give feedback (and never did). I did want to know what was the plan with the magazines or ds schools books. Was that being critical??? Or was it DH taking it as a criticism BECAUSE he knew very well he had done as little as possible and had no answer to that question?

We are talking about a grown man whose job is to manage complex projects. I dread to think how things would be at work if he was giving so little thought. (cue he doesn’t, at work he is able to see the big picture and all those little details. So I’m pretty sure he could see them at home toot if he wanted)

What IS a constructive way? What do you think I should have done instead???

If you come across to your DH like you do on here then my sympathy lies with him.

Why onanother?

You are expecting him to read your mind. When you decide he's not done it properly or how you would you wade in all judgey. Your attitude would irritate me.

I do sympathise and it does sound like he is dragging his feet on it.

But it also sounds as if you are - probably understandably - being quite critical in the way you are responding when he involves you in it

You say you don’t want to be involved at all and yet you have raised a number of objections to what he’s proposed. You can’t have it both ways; if you are sufficiently invested in what to me seem fairly minor details (magazine storage etc) that you are willing to veto what he’s proposing you can’t wash your hands of it.

It sounds as if he was starting to muddle through it with am imperfect but workable solution and you rejected it for not being exactly what you envisaged.

Let him do it, let him fuck it up a bit. Your DS will be ok and your DH will have learned from the experience. If you micro manage him while simultaneously telling him it’s not your job he’s just going to feel really resentful and be less likely to want to do it again.

I am not expecting him to read my mind. I asked him to deal with the WHOLE of the bedroom. That included sorting out where everything was going to go.

Or is it really not obvious that ‘sort the whole bedroom’ included other things than just bed and desk?

Having said that, I am probably harsher and quicker in my comments ‘and what about A and B’ because I’ve had 15 years of him being as passive as possible in the hope I would do things instead of him. Everything from sorting holidays, decorating and even him starting a job (HIS decision and project, not mine), stopping in the middle and then telling me he didn’t carry on until the end because I didn’t seem bothered about the mess/I hadn’t ‘complained’ about it (I’m talking about a huge pile of soil and gravel right in front of the house staying there for weeks).
I suppose that you might want to consider that it is not obvious that a huge pile of gravel on your front lawn needs to be moved. Or that it is having high standards to expect that pile to be moved where it was intended to rather than having a building side on your drive....

What about delegating the process solely to your ds? Give him a budget and get him to order what he needs (you can always ask to have a quick check before he hits buy). At that age he should be able to manage basic flat pack (or ask his df to help ).

For the sake of your ds, I think you should sort this ASAP. Is this really the hill upon which you want to die? When your ds’ comfort/ability to study properly is at stake? This is a bonkers point to use as a sticking point.

Ask your ds to choose then send links to your dh, ask him to order stuff/ds can ask him or send the links. As he’s 15/16, he can surely find stuff himself?

@thepeopleversuswork, I raised objections because HE came and asked ME for my POV though. I didn’t go and see him to find fault in what he was doing.

My first reaction when he asked was to refuse to get involved (my answer was something along the lines of ‘i dint know as I haven’t looked at it’). But DH got grumpy because I didn’t give him my opinion!

When I did, I was very careful not actually NOT give him my opinion/be critical (I hadn’t looked at what had been going on that carefully anyway to have a clear opinion). So I ASKED ‘what about A/the magazines? What is your plan?’ What else was I supposed to do?

If I say nothing he is annoyed because I’m nit involved/don’t want to help.
If I ask how he is planning to do A or B, I’m being critical.
If I look at things to offering solutions/opinion, I’m basically having to look at the whole thing and do all the work I wasn’t supposed to be involved with. (Which then leads to him not doing anything at all). Plus of course, because it will be something different than what he did, he will see that as a criticism.

I’ve gone though all those loops many times before. I’ve tried all different kind of ways to handle that sort if situations. It doesn’t work.

@Cherrysoup, yep but that means I am the one AGAIN who is sorting things out.
And I have fucking enough to always be that person.

You would think that, as his father, DH would have had his own child wellbeing as a priority no?
(Ds is the one who has done all the researching btw. What he isn’t able to do is the plan ahead how much shelve space he needs etc... BECAUSE it’s such an awkward small space)