To think DH just doesn't want to take any responsibility

[NomDeDieu]

I have yet another discussion with DH regarding his 'input' in family life and more specifically what happens at home. He seems to think that I am the one responsible and in charge of anything house related (children, DIY, cleaning etc...) and is refusing to take any responsibility.

Eg we are redoing ds bedroom. I asked DH to organise that. Cue for DH to have a chat with ds, agreed with ds on what he wanted and .... nothing. 6 months later, no bed or desk was ordered so I stepped in. Reviewed what ds wanted, found out the bed he choose is a day bed so not as wide (which ds didn't want). So I ended up doing the whole search again with ds, found a bed and ordered it. DH just ducked things out by being as invisible, unresponsive as possible.
Then we started to tackle the storage. Dh said him and ds had found some shelves. Great! Except the shelves were out of stock and DH 'didnt think' about the magazines on the floor, the school books underneath ds bed etc... Basically again this was a lip service effort.

The worse thing is that he is also trying to rope me in when he is actually doing something by 'asking me what I think' and then get annoyed when I ask if he thought about A or B. Apparently this is me being critical, not wanting to help etc... and I ought to actually give solutions rather than just 'critcizing'.
Even though the whole point was for me to NOT be involved and for him to take full responsibility of the project (I know by experience that he is then basically waiting for me to come up with the solution)

This was the ONE thing I asked him to take over about one year ago. ds still doesnt have a bedroom that looks like a bedroom. Some of his stuff is sat on the landing (which is a risk in itself). Its a mess and it has somehow become my responsibility and my fault if DH hasnt done it yet....

Arrrg and breathe...

I agree with pp who said on this issue, get on and do it ASAP for your son's sake but then a conversation is needed with your dh about this and similar. It's ridiculous and frustrating. I do get to some extent the idea that if the woman jumps in to criticise or improve they will always give up but that does rather beg the question why they need to. Where a teenager is going to store his books and study is pretty major, not a minor detail and the dh as, as a parent, should be thinking about it. The bed being the right size, ditto. An average 15 yo is not going to be able to do this project alone and get the right result. Some might, but I teach teenagers and many just wouldn't be capable of thinking about things like where plug sockets are, affecting where x piece of furniture can go for instance, or not blocking a radiator. This is 'adulting' and both parents should be capable of it.

SanFranBear my opinion is that the OP sounds as though she wants to have control over the furniture and layout etc because she knows best so he's never going to get it right. If this always happens it would irritate the hell out of me and I'd not be rushing off to do stuff either. It's my opinion, doesn't make it stupid. Don't be a dick.

To those who said I have been critical, I actually think you have a point. I have tried like hell to avoid ANY criticism (esp as DH takes anything as a criticism if you have a slightly different idea than him. It’s true for everything, any subject). But my annoyance at him doing the least he could once again must have come through even i tried hard not to phrase it like that. I still think that expecting him to think a little bit further wasn’t a crazy thing. But my annoyance might well have come through my tone of voice rather than my words.

To those who say ‘why are you still with him after all those years?’, I think the answer is complex as always. But for me, things started slowly and crept up (eg he was totally able to organise things and get in with them when I first met him). I also probably started by doing the things that were left ‘because we were a team there to support each other’ and then I found many excuses for him not to step up (things started to go wrong after we had dc1 and Dc2 and he happily reverted to a 1950s set up). Add in the mix a few health issues for the dcs and myself, I was overwhelmed and in survival mode. Which meant I did whatever needed to be done (esp when it comes to the dcs).

However, things are not as simple as ‘just leaving’. Not with two dcs in the middle of GCSE and Alevels. If it was just about me. I would be out wo a second thought. I think the relationship has broken down on both sides (I suspect on his side first some years ago) and there is no communication and trust left between us at all (again true on both sides)

@MeTimeInProgress your example of the school application is an excellent one. My dcs do an activity where you pay every term. We receive an invoice that needs to be paid within two weeks. Dh opens the letter, puts it aside, doesn’t tell me we’ve received it and .... doesn’t pay either. Last term I happened to see it under a pile on the dinning table, retrieved and paid. But on two previous occasions now, he ‘tidied them into a file’ and I ended up dealing with the phone call regarding the unpaid invoice etc... so totally unnecessary.

@onanothertrain, you are totally right that it’s bloody annoying to have someone on your back to tell you how and when to do things, the timescale etc...
And me completely stepping out of it would be amazing (that’s what I wanted after all!). The issue I have is that dc will NOT go and see his dad and complain that he can’t fit in the bed/he is struggling to access his school books etc..... The dcs have both learnt that it’s not working and create a huge atmosphere/DH will get grumpy. That means dc will just put up with it. Like he has done for 9 months after dh ageed he needed a new bed and he was dealing with it (with ds).

So the question then is, who am I supposed to support there?
DH and let him do things his way, in his own time, even if this means dc is struggling?
Or do I support dc and intervene with DH?

OP I think you've said it in your last post, that you would leave him if it wasn't fir the DC.

At this stage in your marriage I don't think he will change, unless you think actually saying to him that you will leave it doesn't (but it sounds like he might have checked out of the relationship as well, in which case he may call your bluff).

Your children are in the middle of GCSEs / A levels, so in a maximum of 3 years your dc will be adults / off to university.

I would therefore just quietly start working out your exit plan, and start building up new life got yourself (financially, new hobbies, friends, going to the gym or whatever).

It won't be long before you can escape a marriage thst has obviously run its course so I don't think it is worth these battles where you're trying to change decades of ingrained behaviour. Just sort the bedroom out yourself, quietly and without complaint. He will know he's fucked up, as will your DC as they know he's meant to have done it.

I sympathise. It is so frustrating to delegate a fraction of the tasks you do and still have to step in and do them. I asked dh to sort out ds's football gear as he knows what he needs and to take too-small stuff to club as they can reuse it. Last week I was getting dd ready for athletics - can't go as dh has thrown out her perfectly good running shoes in his clear out. So yet another task that I have to do myself as dh can't be trusted to follow instructions. And yet this is a man who earns three times what I earn and deals with big budgets. Surely he can't be this incompetent at work?

If your ds is doing gcse's surely he's old enough to push his df into action.
I think you need to get ds to have a word.

I do sympathise but if you’ve between you left your son in a bed he struggles to fit in and a bedroom where he can’t access study materials for the best part of a year then that’s pretty shit.

Totally get why it’s frustrating but I’m surprised this is an area youve chosen to wait out when it impacts your son so much. It’s clear your husband won’t change so either do the things your kids need yourself or leave. Saying you can’t because if their GCSEs is a bit of a cop out if youve chosen to die on the u suitable for resting or studying hill for months on end.

As far as general household tasks are concerned I have sympathy. But when it comes to something like a whole room's decor I would want input and it would be jointly tackled

You go on and on about your DS struggling in his cramped, disorganised bedroom for a year. But this is on both you and your DH. Shame on both of you really that you let this silly, egotistical, spiteful tug o’ war rule over pragmatism, especially during GCSEs! My life, OP. How self-centred you and your DH are.

Your last couple of posts crystallise what i suspected was the case in your first post.

Look, by your own admission your marriage has broken down on both sides and your communication with one another is probably shit.

Whilst your DH is utterly ridiculous for not being able to order a fucking bed for your DS it’s equally ridiculous to expect a sloth to tap dance if you see what I mean?

Personally I’d accept the status quo, get DS’ room nailed and then and IF YOU WANT TO examine marriage counselling.

And yes, you’d have to arrange that.

Whilst it sounds like he’s domestically useless you mention he engages in hobbies with your DS’. Unless his inaction has killed your love for him stone dead, that and any loving feelings you may still have towards him are promising signs and should be explored, if you want to.

It all sounds so painful. I think you’ve upped the ante on a situation that’s being going on for a while. You’ve picked an emotional battleground to fight on by proving he’s so disengaged from the practicalities of family life that he’ll allow your children to suffer.
Don’t play this game. Everyone loses.

Not sure why you're getting so much grief @NomDeDieu ! I don't think you're alone with this problem.

My OH is similar, he doesn't really do anything around our flat without being asked, and to be honest even then he only starts when I make moves to start doing the job myself.

Case in point, he has been going on and on about painting our bathroom since we moved in a year ago. A few months ago we happened to be in Homebase so we bought some paint. This paint is still sitting untouched in the cupboard. I know for a fact that the only way that bathroom will get painted (by him) is if I actively arrange it by, for example, telling him that I thought 'we' could paint the bathroom this Saturday.

He'll then say he doesn't want me in his way while he works [tcrwinks] and he'll do it alone, but only after I've literally pushed him every step of the way. He has ZERO initiative when it comes to things like this.

And it can be hard to put up with when you're someone who just wants to get things done.

My brother on the other hand has a very busy and high responsibility job plus does the morning drop off for his 3 DC, all DIY and alot of the shopping and household things as well. We always say my sis in law is very lucky.

She's not lucky though is she? This is the least we should expect in a partnership. It's sad indicator that standards are low when we think any man who pulls his weight is amazing. He's just doing what most of us do anyway.

Not having a go are the poster who said this as I've been guilty of it myself - my sister's DH is a partner in every sense of the word. I've audibly sighed before at how "lucky" she is while watching him get out the Hoover out of his own accord, take their kids out without being asked, whip up a delicious meal without any input etc. she looked at me agog when I said it as it's no more than she does. She's not "lucky" I'm just unfortunately married to a man who is utterly useless around the house.

@wombat1a my Mother was like this. She would nag and nag my brother and I to help her out around the house more but whenever we tried, she used to criticise and often take over herself or re-do the job. Once I remember cleaning the whole kitchen before she returned from work and I thought she’d be impressed but she found the one job I had missed and picked on that instead. So I do think there’s something in it, people avoid helping out because they know they won’t do it ‘right’.

It may well be the case here OP. Perhaps he daren’t do the bedroom incase you weren’t happy with it.

So I do think there’s something in it, people avoid helping out because they know they won’t do it ‘right’.

I do understand how this must feel but I also think that people can't just give up taking responsibility for things in their own home just because they feel like they don't 'get it right'.

I have this with my OH, whenever he does the washing up he does not do it properly at all!! Things are left to dry with bits of food still on them, and the mugs will still have tea stains in the bottom where he hasn't scrubbed them out properly. My only options are to point it out to him or to do it again myself. I usually do just redo it as I know that he will also think there's no point in him doing it as he 'doesn't get it right' - just take some care to do it properly!

Obviously there are situations where one partner is total clean freak, but most of the time it's the other partner not bothering to do things properly that causes the issue, and then they make their bf/gf feel like a nag for pointing it out.

It's my opinion, doesn't make it stupid. Don't be a dick

onanothertrain - Your first posts were your opinion, the one I pulled out was the one berating the OP for her tone when she is clearly at the end of her tether and venting anonymously online. That's dickish!

So I do think there’s something in it, people avoid helping out because they know they won’t do it ‘right’.

It’s more likely that he is similar to his dad and cant accept someone else has a different way of doing things. Or that someone suggests a (different) way of doing things.
Plus a strong dose of insecurity/lack of self esteem.

I thought @PaulHollywoodsSexGut's advice was very sensible. Get it sorted over Feb half term. Take DS to IKEA with you. Hire someone to build the flatpacks (I guarantee this will royally piss DH off). You can then have an air-clearing row about it.

Have to agree with paulhollywood and phiney, you just need to bite the bullet on this one. And believe me OP you have nothing but sympathy from me. And I suspect from most other posters. I know what it's like, you are at the end of your tether. It's hard to stay reasonable when you just want to SCREAM.