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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DH just doesn't want to take any responsibility

70 replies

NomDeDieu · 21/01/2020 20:02

I have yet another discussion with DH regarding his 'input' in family life and more specifically what happens at home. He seems to think that I am the one responsible and in charge of anything house related (children, DIY, cleaning etc...) and is refusing to take any responsibility.

Eg we are redoing ds bedroom. I asked DH to organise that. Cue for DH to have a chat with ds, agreed with ds on what he wanted and .... nothing. 6 months later, no bed or desk was ordered so I stepped in. Reviewed what ds wanted, found out the bed he choose is a day bed so not as wide (which ds didn't want). So I ended up doing the whole search again with ds, found a bed and ordered it. DH just ducked things out by being as invisible, unresponsive as possible.
Then we started to tackle the storage. Dh said him and ds had found some shelves. Great! Except the shelves were out of stock and DH 'didnt think' about the magazines on the floor, the school books underneath ds bed etc... Basically again this was a lip service effort.

The worse thing is that he is also trying to rope me in when he is actually doing something by 'asking me what I think' and then get annoyed when I ask if he thought about A or B. Apparently this is me being critical, not wanting to help etc... and I ought to actually give solutions rather than just 'critcizing'.
Even though the whole point was for me to NOT be involved and for him to take full responsibility of the project (I know by experience that he is then basically waiting for me to come up with the solution)

This was the ONE thing I asked him to take over about one year ago. ds still doesnt have a bedroom that looks like a bedroom. Some of his stuff is sat on the landing (which is a risk in itself). Its a mess and it has somehow become my responsibility and my fault if DH hasnt done it yet....

Arrrg and breathe...

OP posts:

madcatladyforever · 21/01/2020 22:15

Where are mumsnetters getting these bloody useless husbands from? Where did both my usless husbands come from?
Does anyone on mumsnet have a normal husband who is not a piece of shit because I am beginning to despair about the future of mankind.

pickingdaisies · 21/01/2020 22:17

My DH is brilliant at organising stuff, except when it comes to planning rooms. He just can't do it. He hasn't got that spatial, visualising ability. Sounds like this is the same. Whereas you, op, can do it. So why give him this job when you are much better suited to it? You and ds plan it, choose it, and you order it, and your DH gets the privilege of assembling it all when it turns up.

Original poster

NomDeDieu · 21/01/2020 22:22

picking if it was just about special organisation, I wouldn’t be annoyed and frustrated. We all have our strength and weaknesses.
Dh is extremely good at making me responsible for anything he doesnt want to do, regardless of what it is .....

OP posts:

Mummadeeze · 21/01/2020 22:22

I would have just done this myself. Easier than getting as frustrated as you are. I know it sounds like I am missing the point but I actually just find it easier to do everything I want done a certain way myself as then it is done right!

SunsetYorks · 21/01/2020 22:31

Why did he have to organise it? Surely the 3 of you could have sat down one evening, looked at options & ordered? Why has it become such a massive issue?!

CustomerCervixDepartment · 21/01/2020 22:33

So he has been consistently useless for many years and you’ve shown your kids that that is acceptable, what ‘fathers’ do, and it’s womens jobs to step in and do everything? They already know their father doesn’t give a fuck, so is that something you’re happy to accept for another 4+ decades? If you ditched him he’d have his kids 50% of the time and your life would end up a lot easier, so what’s keeping you shackled to him? Doing his role for him? Sex? Money? Ease of life?

CustomerCervixDepartment · 21/01/2020 22:44

( madcat I do! And we are Childfree, life is bliss, but I was burdened with dreadful parents/parents lovers and it makes me so angry when I see the constant posts here where people are dragging their current lover into their kids lives, trying to ‘blend’, accepting vile behaviour choices from some man just for the sake of having a man, any man, in their bedroom. It makes no sense. Why have no standards? When someone has chosen to have a kid, forcing some shit dude into their life is morally reprehensible. Not referring to the OP here, I assume the man in question radically changed as soon as his youngest kid was born)

MeTimeInProgress · 21/01/2020 22:47

I understand exactly how you feel NomDeDieu

My DH is the same. He is a passenger in our family life whilst I have to be responsible for everything. If I don't do something it doesn't get done.

It is very frustrating and if I had the answer I would tell you. But unfortunately I don't.

Its easy for people to say 'Don't redo it' but I love my children and don't want them to suffer. So if he says he will submit the school application but the deadline is today and I can see he hasn't done it... what do I do? Let my child have no school place?

I think you need to have a very honest conversation with him about how you feel and only you can then decide what you want from life if things don't improve.

monkeymonkey2010 · 21/01/2020 23:23

he is more likely to actually be involved with his dcs when it’s about something happening outside the house (eg hobby) that also happens to be his interest. Anything else just isn’t on his radar

Yet YOU CHOOSE to 'put up' with him.
He won't change because he knows if he leaves things long enough, or deliberately-by-accident does a shit job he knows YOU will do it.
He doesn't even care if it impacts his child so long as HE gets to duck out of taking any real responsibility.

If a guy shows me who he is and i don't like what he's showing me - he's out the door....and i don't care for sunken costs.

Sh05 · 21/01/2020 23:25

My DH is slot like yours ( and many others by the sounds of it)
My brother on the other hand has a very busy and high responsibility job plus does the morning drop off for his 3 DC, all DIY and alot of the shopping and household things as well. We always say my sis in law is very lucky.
I put it down to what people are used to drowning up. My dad was and still is very much active in and around the house so was a great example of how a good husband should be.
At my in-laws my mother in law took charge of pretty much everything so all the ladies in the family(sis in laws) followed suit but not the men

Sh05 · 21/01/2020 23:26

*growing up not drowning!

Sisiwawa · 21/01/2020 23:27

My husband is also like this.
I sometimes wonder if its a lack of confidence in themselves?
I have learnt to give him a deadline.
It is VERY frustrating, having to constantly remind, cajole, encouage another "grown up" to pull their finger out!
After years of it, it does feel like you're criticising, so thats why OP wanted to not get involved.

It can become a vicious circle.
Let your DS choose and order what he needs, get a handy man to put shelves up etc, so DS can then focus on his GCSE's.

SanFranBear · 21/01/2020 23:44

Some of these responses are ridiculous... this is a grown man who seems incapable of doing anything to support his own DS!

OP - YAN being even slightly U.. I wouldn't be able to bear this and you have far more patience than I would..

If you come across to your DH like you do on here then my sympathy lies with him is particularly stupid. Oh, poor man...

SandyY2K · 21/01/2020 23:53

He sounds lazy. That's really it OP... I can sense your frustration.

SmallChickBilly · 22/01/2020 00:17

Yet YOU CHOOSE to 'put up' with him.
He won't change because he knows if he leaves things long enough, or deliberately-by-accident does a shit job he knows YOU will do it.
He doesn't even care if it impacts his child so long as HE gets to duck out of taking any real responsibility.

If a guy shows me who he is and i don't like what he's showing me - he's out the door....and i don't care for sunken costs.

This all sounds a lot like you think it's the OP's fault that she didn't just up sticks the first time he ducked out of doing something that should have been a shared responsibility. It sounds like she has tried lots of different ways of approaching this issue and has been trying for a long time to find ways to engage her husband. So she isn't choosing to put up with it, she's trying to find a way to make things work and is disappointed to realise that she's out of ideas and is too invested in not letting her children bear the brunt of his apathy not to step in.

Showing someone the door is much easier in theory than practice, especially once you have children to consider, and even more especially when they are aproaching exams for example.

Surely it's ok to be frustrated to find yourself in a situation where all the options available to you are shit? You're saying you'd throw him out as though that is a completely consequence-free decision.

wombat1a · 22/01/2020 03:38

I talked with someone who does a lot of marriage counselling the other day and they told me something very interesting. A lot of the time someone leaves responsibility to the other in a relationship it's because whenever they did do something the other person (in their perception) would jump in and either add more stuff, criticize or complain because it wasn't being done their way. Other time this build up and up until the person doesn't want to take responsibility for anything because they know it won't be good enough and it will be taken away from them anyway. So they go all passive as they have realised if they leave it to the other person it be done faster and 'better'.

I'm not sure I agree with this analysis but I know there are certain things DH refuses to do now around house (such as make a cup of tea for me/us) because he says I'll always ask him exactly how he did it each time and complain (I don't, I make suggestions for next time).

BirthdaySprinkles · 22/01/2020 03:43

It's been a year and he hasn't managed to order a bed yet

tenredthings · 22/01/2020 03:49

My DP can be similarly slow at instigating things. What I find works is I set the ball rolling eg decide to paint a room, choose the paint , buy the brushes etc. Then at weekend tell DP we're painting and get him to do it. He's a willing worker just doesn't initiate stuff. Lots of impractical dreams and ideas though so perhaps it's just as well

Sillyscrabblegames · 22/01/2020 03:53

You say you didn't want to have to comment on anything but you managed to take the mission over and then decide that every choice was wrong and replace it with your own better choices.
You might have been right about every item but can you see how this approach applied across the board for many years, to all aspects of housey stuff, could make it quite difficult for a person to get involved and active with any confidence? As other posters have said you need to step back and live with different choices if you want someone else to do something. They just aren't going to do it all your way.
I half expect you to tear apart My post now.

Jossina · 22/01/2020 04:20

This sounds like the straw the broke the camel's back. It makes me wonder the same thing others have asked. Why are you still with this guy?

TheBewildernessisWeetabix · 22/01/2020 04:46

At some point we have to accept that the partner cannot be trusted and meet the children's needs yourself.
Trying to persuade your partner to take responsibility for things he doesn't care about is hopeless and let's face it, they don't care about much of anything except their own convenience.

UndomesticHousewife · 22/01/2020 05:04

It's just as well your dh didn't get the room ready as the bed would have been wrong and there would have been no place for the magazines and school books.

Give him the other things to do , whatever they are, as it's your son that is bearing the brunt of this.
Get his room sorted so he can use his room and study for his exams.
And make your argument with your husband about something else.

Wallywobbles · 22/01/2020 06:31

Couldn't DS sort this himself. With input from DH?

Cherrysoup · 22/01/2020 06:40

@NomDeDieu I totally get the immense frustration, but this is for the sake and to the benefit of your child. I don’t think he should suffer because of your DH’s shortcomings. It feels like yet again, you’re doing the necessary, but then ds will have a comfortable room with space in which to study.

SandyY2K · 22/01/2020 07:22

@wombat1a

Tbh if I was given suggestions on how to make a cup of tea every time, I'd leave you to make your own.

It's hardly rocket science... how wrong can he go really.

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